There are parts of you
That I want to just cuddle and snuff
And then, there are parts
That I want to just kick and smash
Like a bug on the wall
I would not ask of you to give me all your tomorrows, for there is no such thing as a promise in tomorrow.
I wouldn’t ask you for anything beyond your control of the universe.
But I’d like to ask you for your yesterdays. A promise to share together our reflections on memories of our times.
That, if we may make it to the unpromised tomorrow, we will accompany each other to celebrate every yesterday we’ve come through.
I wish I would just be the wind
Go wherever I need without resistance
No aim about direction
Without care of what I might hit and stumble upon
Obstacles just purposing to change my course
Others just to rush through
Causing music along my way
Soften a heat, strengthening rain
Tickle a fire, or flush it out cold
Skies offer home, clouds merely toys
If I was the wind, all my worries would be my joys
He kept showing my only each and all of the reasons why I broke up with him in the first place. Every time we’d interact, he’d whip out another classic example of his asshole self, his selfish behaviors, his grave lack of responsibility, his inability to care, try, reflect or understand, his stubborn stuck up spoiled blown up ego and pride that he continued to hide behind.
So I had to stop looking. I had to look away and stop feeding the person that I hated he’d become with my attention and frustration. I realized only now that this person he was becoming, thrived on my anxiety and my attempts to bring out the best of him gave him fuel to desperately keep holding on control over himself.
My obsessiveness, I shall admit, must’ve enabled him to retreat from willingness to arrogance.
Yet he truly was convinced he was evolving as a person. But growth and evolution are a one way direction. You can’t grow into a littler man. He was becoming less of himself by trying to be free, while he already was.
Still, his life so his choice, his prerogative. But I wasn’t willing to stand idly by and let that happen to the man I love. I tried my everything to make him see and realize what he was doing and what he was letting happen, but there is only so much one person can do for another until it crosses outside of your jurisdiction. It wasn’t up to me.
So I’m not looking anymore. I’m walking away. My hands clean. My conscience clear. My heart emptied of dead weight. My soul cleansed from all the hurt and sorrow. No more of his drama in my tomorrow.
Although I might’ve been the cause and reason of all of this. I arrived in his life, shook it up and down, put pressure and pushed him, had extensive needs and expectations. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. Whether I did this, or he. I don’t want it anymore. It’s holding me back from being myself, from my own journey, my growth, my evolution, my becoming of my self.
I will have to learn to fabricate a future for myself that doesn’t include him. Give up all my plans and dreams. Start all over, again.
Point the direction of my hope on myself again. Put my thoughts and feelings on a path surrounding myself. Pray for my own happy ending. By myself. Alone, as I’ve always been. With whomever I was.