Hashtag 2018

People please..
Stop it with the 2018 magical unicorn rainbow ride
“New year, new me, new life, new goals, new chances, new opportunities, new energy, new ambitions, resolutions, motivation” [new phone, who this?]
Stop it with the “leaving [insert negative notion of reality] in 2017
Like you haven’t been saying that for every year to come
For what or who?
Some kind of mental warp
We’ve all been conditioned to take a liking to
But it’s not the beginning or ending
Of anything

Nothing has changed
You’re still the same you
The sky still appears to us as blue
The sun still rises in the east
(that is, in the northern hemisphere at least)
Life is still what you make it
Beauty is still in the eye of the beholder
(Self) Love & kindness are still important
Blessings are still on their way
Prayers are still being heard

Nothing has changed
Except for the numeral counting on a human construction
[date] If only we could swipe that left, right?

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Emotional slavery

It has always been like this and it will always be like this. Men just want me to fulfill some kind of fetish or fantasy. I’m a challenge, a trophy to them. Once won, it’s done. Nothing left but to polish and admire from time to time.

I am not worth any trouble. I am not worth any effort. I am not worth the time or thought. I am not worth to work or try for after the initial goal is achieved. I am not worth to be loved, that’s why I compensate with over-loving others. So at the end, the general love balance is still evened out somehow. I always put in more of myself because I already know I can’t count on anyone filling in the gaps for me. What I anticipate for others, can’t be done in return, because people would have to care and understand too much, too far out of their comfort zone.

I’m supposed to be satisfied and even impressed by little irregularities that might flatter me. I may not receive grand gestures or even just consistencies, and I may not ask for or expect them. I may not express any disappointment, or criticism on how unfair and unbalanced the reality of my relationship is. I should count myself lucky, as difficult to love as I am, that people put up with me as it is. I feel as though I buy people’s love and affection, care and understanding, time and attention, paying with everything I am and have… getting just less than the bare minimum in return. Emotional slavery.

Life line.

All she wanted was a hug
A kiss, a warm consoling hand
On any part of her skin
When she told you she longs to no longer live
All she wanted was a few seconds of your time
Not hours, like you assumed
And yes you gave hours of your day to her
Spending time together, having fun
Watching videos, cuddling on the couch

But in this moment
She lost all of herself like the fleeting reflection of a moons full cycle into the new

She knew it would return, but right now there was nothing
Not even a speck of light
And all

She needed was a hug, a kiss
A warm consoling hand
On any part of her skin

But you said you had to work
You don’t have time for this right now
She asked you if she could die
You said no, but you showed her yes
By dismissing her pain, dismissing her clear call for your positive attention
You had to work cause your deadline wouldn’t wait

Wasting all week for the last moment to never make it in time to keep your promises anyway
Maybe she’ll jump your dead line some day
That used to be a life line but you pulled it away.

Philosophy.

Philosophy
I’ve always wondered why it’s a waste to waste time or talent. Almost considered a sin, actually. I believe within a few more years, we’ll be able to commercialize the scientific methods of 3D printing and use them for example to replace our natural bodies with artificial ones. Who knows how far we can expand our lives then, how we will stretch the length of our ages and reconstruct the health of our youth.

Time goes by whether you do something or not, whether you want it or not, whether you’re good at something or not. Why does the general pull always trend to lead to ‘something’ instead of the ‘not’? Do our lives really feel so empty when there’s nothing substantial there? What’s the matter of substance anyway? No matter how we evolve politically, scientifically or psychologically, those are questions cast away to the realm of religion, spirituality and philosophy.

But of all fields named here, the last one mentioned is also the last one standing when it comes to anything, and the first to ever question any of all those things. If all goes well, eventually, humanity will catch up to that.

.Diamond in the Rough.

full moon is on the rise
but the vessel it’s to fill
has run empty
nothing remains or
is left to reach out for

all the things I dreamt to be
every aching part of me
is dripping down a drain
pulsing from a vein
lost in a bottomless hole
who knows where it leads to
or where it goes

once it escapes the bubble of light
the blackness of a hurting heart
left in solitude to overanalyse
it only just might
live and stand high
or die and fall apart
by the touch of who once owned it
then turned away and stoned it

wounds might heal
time may resolve
but scars don’t disappear
moments like these take their toll
like a glass shattered on the floor
glue it back together
and all you’ll see is cracks
crumble up a paper
can you ever again get it flat
without the lines showing through?

luckily I’m a diamond
if only in the rough
my sharp edges define me
to protect me against what’s tough
you couldn’t break or nevermind me
but you can lock me up
although a golden cage will never outshine me
sometimes it’s better to have enough
than to lose to love

Freedom

Emphasize what’s meaningless
Regret everything that’s not
Amplify all reason less
There is more that we don’t got
Deny every form of structure
Embrace chaos with all due devotion
Cherish what comes in the future
Time has only one direction for motion

Forgive the ignorant
For they don’t know why you should
Release all sensation
Perception is more idealistic than good
Promise what you forgot
Someone might come back for it
Respond to lust with pride,
    to love with innocence
Have faith and believe
Trust hatred to leave
Such as every other emotion
No one controls any of them
We lock them away to be safe
Like an enraged lion in a cage

It has no use to us
To doubt everything we lose
Our voices don’t echo when they scream
Our breath never lasts longer than a minute
To await signals like a prophecy
Is like expecting the moon to come closer
It’s only fading further
Pulling loose for freedom

.Love/Hate.

The most common mistake people tend to make, is assuming that the opposite of love is hate. That you either love or hate someone, while actually, both notions exist simultaneously, in the same space, at the same time.

When you don’t have love in your life, you don’t necessarily have hate instead. What you do have, when you don’t have love…is silence, solitude and fear.
Fear of being left out, fear of living or dying alone, fear of not being remembered or seen or heard. No one to talk to, nobody to rely on, no sheltering arms around you, no shoulder to cry on, no special person to share all that you value. Silence in your soul and emptiness in your heart.

From this silence, solitude and fear…this lack of love, we actually have a choice we can make. We choose..
    either hate; including hurt, anger and sadness, following each other up like chackles in a chain, on a downward spiral of negativity, of hating everything and everyone, especially ourselves..
    or love; opening doors to hope, faith and happiness, equally following each other up like steps to a stairs, up to whatever we aspire to reach or become, believing in the good of life and being receptive for all the positivity of luck..

Two seperate paths with many intersections..
Love or Hate. It’s upto you.