Surrounded by Silence

She acts stronger than she is
She lasts longer than she cares
She looks open but resides rather privately
She grows only on her own surrounded by silence
Passive aggressive doesn’t touch her
It molds her, controls her, destroys her
To a beast of no more morals
Containment or pride do not exist
Blind rage of fears and doubts she likes to hate
Can anyone blame her?
If they don’t even know her
Judging is the closest they will ever get allowed to come
Purely because she reaches beyond their general level
Of self reflective darkness
Self induced light
Under performing progress
Over accomplishing bright
She cries louder than thunderstorms
She sinks deeper than the no returns
Of a black holes singularity
She unfolds stacks of complexities
Within a wink of thought
But crashes all her brilliance
For the shadow of what she felt
When she first fell in love
She will unravel you
Before you begin to reveal
To yourself even the rhythm
Of reflections you’ve never rested without
She will narrate you
Beyond annoyance but deeply rooted
In a truth you didn’t know you had internal
Until she plucked it from your brain
To lay it before you on the table
With a pride in her smile
That shines through the rooms in her own darkened mind
Only to admit that it was you who brought it to her
She will always promise you
All her inspiration comes from how she lives
How it happens, how it goes
How she drew it all out while she was born
How every word she writes is a memory
From before she became real

Stop looking.

He kept showing my only each and all of the reasons why I broke up with him in the first place. Every time we’d interact, he’d whip out another classic example of his asshole self, his selfish behaviors, his grave lack of responsibility, his inability to care, try, reflect or understand, his stubborn stuck up spoiled blown up ego and pride that he continued to hide behind.

So I had to stop looking. I had to look away and stop feeding the person that I hated he’d become with my attention and frustration. I realized only now that this person he was becoming, thrived on my anxiety and my attempts to bring out the best of him gave him fuel to desperately keep holding on control over himself.
My obsessiveness, I shall admit, must’ve enabled him to retreat from willingness to arrogance.
Yet he truly was convinced he was evolving as a person. But growth and evolution are a one way direction. You can’t grow into a littler man. He was becoming less of himself by trying to be free, while he already was.

Still, his life so his choice, his prerogative. But I wasn’t willing to stand idly by and let that happen to the man I love. I tried my everything to make him see and realize what he was doing and what he was letting happen, but there is only so much one person can do for another until it crosses outside of your jurisdiction. It wasn’t up to me.

So I’m not looking anymore. I’m walking away. My hands clean. My conscience clear. My heart emptied of dead weight. My soul cleansed from all the hurt and sorrow. No more of his drama in my tomorrow.

Although I might’ve been the cause and reason of all of this. I arrived in his life, shook it up and down, put pressure and pushed him, had extensive needs and expectations. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. Whether I did this, or he. I don’t want it anymore. It’s holding me back from being myself, from my own journey, my growth, my evolution, my becoming of my self.

I will have to learn to fabricate a future for myself that doesn’t include him. Give up all my plans and dreams. Start all over, again.
Point the direction of my hope on myself again. Put my thoughts and feelings on a path surrounding myself. Pray for my own happy ending. By myself. Alone, as I’ve always been. With whomever I was.

Weakness & Neglect

Hello weakness and neglect
Your name is not love anymore
You’ve chosen ego over us
Nothing matters but your pride
Every try you will reject
No issue is ever resolved

Hello weakness and neglect
My every gesture you ignore
I’ve chosen now to give up
All importance you let slide
Never did you self reflect
None of us was involved

Hello weakness and neglect
Our memories won’t restore
We’ve chosen to kill our love
Both of us are broken inside
Neither of us we could protect
Which self has evolved?

The Oceans That I Drown Myself In

I’m filled with tears
That I cannot cry
Despite the oceans
That I drown myself in
Of fear and sadness
That I already shed

I feel more powerful
In my powerlessness
Than I feel in power
I feel more hopeful
In my hopelessness
Than I feel in hope

I’m full of frustration
That I cannot scream
Forsaken the will
That I had to try
Over my voice
That I lost in vain

I feel less strong
In my strength
Than I feel in my stride
I feel less proud
In my perseverance
Than I feel in my pride

Anew

By the time the flowers
You send to me endearingly
Had withered to hang their heads
Our love had unbloomed
A sudden unpeaceful death

It came crawling through the night
Filling my sleep with terror
To manifest in my awakening
Coming through me like
Tsunami waves caving in

I pray for a surge
To raise me from the water
Seek within myself the power
So I don’t drown my love
Before saving ours

If hope ever let’s me breathe again
It will only mean to be
That I have overcome
Pride and ego through forgiving
Anew will colors blossom

Breaker of all my hearts

Breaker of all my hearts
You forced me to live in confinements of hurt
You suffocated me in stress and drowned me in my own depression
You strangled me with anxiety and throttled me with insecurity
You cut my skin with neglect and abandonment
You never understood me and you never cared to try
You’ll never understand me and I’ll never know why

You pretended to love me
While you intended to kill me
By giving me all of you
Building me up with all you have
Letting me shine with light I borrowed from you
But it was never mine to have
I belong to the darkness
And you could never respect that
So you decided to break off every piece of what you gave me
Until bit by bit I crumbled back to nothingness
Hoping I would mean less to you
Expecting me to choke in my own worthlessness

Now here we are, it’s all over, there’s nothing left
How does it feel? Are you satisfied? Can we be done now? Done with the hurt and the anger, the unforgiving misunderstanding, the unwillingness, the pride and ego…you broke me to build yourself, because you were afraid I’d break you like I broke myself. Because you think I’m stronger than you. That’s why you don’t love me, truly. You fear me.

Fulfilling My Faith

All the love I’ll ever have
Will always be in your possession
For yours to take and keep or leave
Awaiting your affection

To remove all of your worry
I consider my task and duty
Won’t ever allow for a frown
To rest on your face of an angel
Will try to never let you down
As much as I am able
Or am permitted by
The perks of human nature
All I can ever do is try
In the midst of all life’s danger

We can only pray and believe
Learn to trust and achieve
That we deserve what we receive
From loss to sorrow and grief
To love and comfort, relief
We all need someone
Along for carrying this weight
And I want you or no one
To join in fulfilling my faith

Taking me all the way
Up in the clouds
To where paradise is born
Beyond the rainbow rays
With no fear or doubts
Peaceful like the eye of a storm
Beauty like the light of one sun
Among a starless nightsky
I’ll hold your heart high
Treasure it with pride
Stay glued to your side

As long as you want me to
There will only be love flowing
Growing between me and you
I can be so sure without knowing
Because there’s no controlling what’s true
It will just go how it’s supposed to be going
And we can only follow through
With our hands tied to the sky
Our hearts bound together too
The vision of tomorrow in our eyes
Floathing on drops of morning dew