Surrounded by Silence

She acts stronger than she is
She lasts longer than she cares
She looks open but resides rather privately
She grows only on her own surrounded by silence
Passive aggressive doesn’t touch her
It molds her, controls her, destroys her
To a beast of no more morals
Containment or pride do not exist
Blind rage of fears and doubts she likes to hate
Can anyone blame her?
If they don’t even know her
Judging is the closest they will ever get allowed to come
Purely because she reaches beyond their general level
Of self reflective darkness
Self induced light
Under performing progress
Over accomplishing bright
She cries louder than thunderstorms
She sinks deeper than the no returns
Of a black holes singularity
She unfolds stacks of complexities
Within a wink of thought
But crashes all her brilliance
For the shadow of what she felt
When she first fell in love
She will unravel you
Before you begin to reveal
To yourself even the rhythm
Of reflections you’ve never rested without
She will narrate you
Beyond annoyance but deeply rooted
In a truth you didn’t know you had internal
Until she plucked it from your brain
To lay it before you on the table
With a pride in her smile
That shines through the rooms in her own darkened mind
Only to admit that it was you who brought it to her
She will always promise you
All her inspiration comes from how she lives
How it happens, how it goes
How she drew it all out while she was born
How every word she writes is a memory
From before she became real

Stop looking.

He kept showing my only each and all of the reasons why I broke up with him in the first place. Every time we’d interact, he’d whip out another classic example of his asshole self, his selfish behaviors, his grave lack of responsibility, his inability to care, try, reflect or understand, his stubborn stuck up spoiled blown up ego and pride that he continued to hide behind.

So I had to stop looking. I had to look away and stop feeding the person that I hated he’d become with my attention and frustration. I realized only now that this person he was becoming, thrived on my anxiety and my attempts to bring out the best of him gave him fuel to desperately keep holding on control over himself.
My obsessiveness, I shall admit, must’ve enabled him to retreat from willingness to arrogance.
Yet he truly was convinced he was evolving as a person. But growth and evolution are a one way direction. You can’t grow into a littler man. He was becoming less of himself by trying to be free, while he already was.

Still, his life so his choice, his prerogative. But I wasn’t willing to stand idly by and let that happen to the man I love. I tried my everything to make him see and realize what he was doing and what he was letting happen, but there is only so much one person can do for another until it crosses outside of your jurisdiction. It wasn’t up to me.

So I’m not looking anymore. I’m walking away. My hands clean. My conscience clear. My heart emptied of dead weight. My soul cleansed from all the hurt and sorrow. No more of his drama in my tomorrow.

Although I might’ve been the cause and reason of all of this. I arrived in his life, shook it up and down, put pressure and pushed him, had extensive needs and expectations. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. Whether I did this, or he. I don’t want it anymore. It’s holding me back from being myself, from my own journey, my growth, my evolution, my becoming of my self.

I will have to learn to fabricate a future for myself that doesn’t include him. Give up all my plans and dreams. Start all over, again.
Point the direction of my hope on myself again. Put my thoughts and feelings on a path surrounding myself. Pray for my own happy ending. By myself. Alone, as I’ve always been. With whomever I was.

Weakness & Neglect

Hello weakness and neglect
Your name is not love anymore
You’ve chosen ego over us
Nothing matters but your pride
Every try you will reject
No issue is ever resolved

Hello weakness and neglect
My every gesture you ignore
I’ve chosen now to give up
All importance you let slide
Never did you self reflect
None of us was involved

Hello weakness and neglect
Our memories won’t restore
We’ve chosen to kill our love
Both of us are broken inside
Neither of us we could protect
Which self has evolved?

The Oceans That I Drown Myself In

I’m filled with tears
That I cannot cry
Despite the oceans
That I drown myself in
Of fear and sadness
That I already shed

I feel more powerful
In my powerlessness
Than I feel in power
I feel more hopeful
In my hopelessness
Than I feel in hope

I’m full of frustration
That I cannot scream
Forsaken the will
That I had to try
Over my voice
That I lost in vain

I feel less strong
In my strength
Than I feel in my stride
I feel less proud
In my perseverance
Than I feel in my pride

Anew

By the time the flowers
You send to me endearingly
Had withered to hang their heads
Our love had unbloomed
A sudden unpeaceful death

It came crawling through the night
Filling my sleep with terror
To manifest in my awakening
Coming through me like
Tsunami waves caving in

I pray for a surge
To raise me from the water
Seek within myself the power
So I don’t drown my love
Before saving ours

If hope ever let’s me breathe again
It will only mean to be
That I have overcome
Pride and ego through forgiving
Anew will colors blossom

Breaker of all my hearts

Breaker of all my hearts
You forced me to live in confinements of hurt
You suffocated me in stress and drowned me in my own depression
You strangled me with anxiety and throttled me with insecurity
You cut my skin with neglect and abandonment
You never understood me and you never cared to try
You’ll never understand me and I’ll never know why

You pretended to love me
While you intended to kill me
By giving me all of you
Building me up with all you have
Letting me shine with light I borrowed from you
But it was never mine to have
I belong to the darkness
And you could never respect that
So you decided to break off every piece of what you gave me
Until bit by bit I crumbled back to nothingness
Hoping I would mean less to you
Expecting me to choke in my own worthlessness

Now here we are, it’s all over, there’s nothing left
How does it feel? Are you satisfied? Can we be done now? Done with the hurt and the anger, the unforgiving misunderstanding, the unwillingness, the pride and ego…you broke me to build yourself, because you were afraid I’d break you like I broke myself. Because you think I’m stronger than you. That’s why you don’t love me, truly. You fear me.

Fulfilling My Faith

All the love I’ll ever have
Will always be in your possession
For yours to take and keep or leave
Awaiting your affection

To remove all of your worry
I consider my task and duty
Won’t ever allow for a frown
To rest on your face of an angel
Will try to never let you down
As much as I am able
Or am permitted by
The perks of human nature
All I can ever do is try
In the midst of all life’s danger

We can only pray and believe
Learn to trust and achieve
That we deserve what we receive
From loss to sorrow and grief
To love and comfort, relief
We all need someone
Along for carrying this weight
And I want you or no one
To join in fulfilling my faith

Taking me all the way
Up in the clouds
To where paradise is born
Beyond the rainbow rays
With no fear or doubts
Peaceful like the eye of a storm
Beauty like the light of one sun
Among a starless nightsky
I’ll hold your heart high
Treasure it with pride
Stay glued to your side

As long as you want me to
There will only be love flowing
Growing between me and you
I can be so sure without knowing
Because there’s no controlling what’s true
It will just go how it’s supposed to be going
And we can only follow through
With our hands tied to the sky
Our hearts bound together too
The vision of tomorrow in our eyes
Floathing on drops of morning dew

.Love Letter.

I wrote you a love letter
I’m not sure if you should read it
This love you give to me
Leaves me so defeated
More than I ever needed
Or thought I could ever be worth
With every thought you speak in words
Every gesture, every move of you
It hurts
That I can’t touch your skin
Feel your warmness
Don’t know where to begin
Don’t understand where this is coming from
Didn’t know if it’s even what I want
But I know I do
I know I love you
And everything you put me through
Everything you show so true
You make me feel belonged to
And get me to follow blindly too

There is so much more inside of this
I haven’t seen yet
Ever in my life
But I know it’s there
In your souls depth
Your eyes clearance
Your touch’s softness
Your all over tenderness
I know no signs of emptiness
In your presence
It all makes sense
And if anyone had told me before
Like anyone I’m telling now
It wouldn’t make sense at all
Beyond imagination
Out of this nature
But still so natural
In fact unbelievable

In the most literal way
You took my breathe away
From the first moment I saw your face
Upto our last second of embrace
And still every day
With every smile you place
On my heart and cheekbones
And every time I get reminded
Of this feeling formerly so unknown
I have to share my love with you
Won’t ever let you feel alone
Or let you down again I swear
As long as we both are there
In this place we share
For ourselves and each other
I’ll love you more than this earth holds water

I haven’t even talked about the honesty yet
The safety this precious
This pride that I treasure
When I look at you and realize
How you’re so much more than anything
How you put the me in mesmerize
And how you give me even more for nothing
Always loving
Always you care
Even when I refuse
And choose
To not be fair
You still prove
That you can be stronger
Without hurting me
And that I’m made to belong there
With you so perfectly

I aim for us to grow this into
All that it can become to be
Which is more than anyone who
Has ever loved before can see
I believe in this
Almost sacredly
Because you have me
My heart my soul
You stole
All so faithfully
Promised by God alone
You gave me what he has shown
My future to be like
You by my side
Me as your wife

I can’t believe how I can
Trust this feeling and be still so open
Even though my heart has been
So brutally mutulated
To the point where it would seem
There was no chance to relive
But only this love
That you so generously give
Has all that holds it together
Easing the pain
Not just making it better
But providing the health
So that I can grow again
New seeds will flourish then
And these flowers will be ours
I am devoted to these powers

This magic you sprinkled in my eyes
Covered me so overwhelming
Yet so easy to recognize
Cause only truth feels so good
And only purity can provide security
I adore you for this
This world you gave me access to
And you take me by the hand through all steps
Knowing I have never been there yet
Cause it’s scary and big and bright and new
But it’s all okay as long as I have you

The most impossible part of all
You need me as much back
You feel everything to the detail mutual
Even more so, illogical
It’s insane, but still plausible
And that’s enough reason for me to believe
That’s all I need to give and receiv
My love to the truest
Most beautiful, I dare say
Are you with me next to it
So that’s how we’ll eagerly stay
And if all else has gone lost
At whatever cost
Then at least we’ll still have us
We’ll always have our love as cause

Clarity

clear as water
shimmers of green
seconds of teardrops
shapes of sand unseen
paradise at fingertips
bliss of air around the lips
it feels like I belong here
I don’t ever want to go back
to where I came and fled from
where I have nothing to become
or maybe I just favor the escape
of any place would be okay
as long as it doesn’t cause to make
me fear the same faith
in what I don’t want to believe
need dearly
but too ignorant to receive
as it seems
clearly

I revolve in similar patterns
endlessly over and over
like the earth spins around its waist
all I could be goes to waste
in being too stubborn to make mistakes
so that it actually turns to be that case
I’m stuck in a fase
of not wanting to take
responsibility for what I break
and those thoughts I have lately
of what will await me
when I go back to where I started
reloaded but still abandoned
revived but broken hearted

is there ever any end to this ?
how did it ever come to this ?
at what point
..which second
..what moment
did it all turn around ?
turned against me
pointing down

is it inevitable ?
is this just a rough patch ?
should I just adjust ?
make the best of what becomes less
hold my breath and swim on
pretend I won’t drown
if I don’t hear the sound
of the waves filling my face
draining my body

to the bottoms of decay
covered with bottomless clay
senseless to pray
because God never may
know of this weakness
no one should in any way
all because of pride
or care for protection
so in contradictions we collide
with ourself aiming for perfection

and I still feel like I have
no soul, no heart, no purpose
embracing what is nothingness
could have made it hurt less
respecting the fallacies
of being my own worst enemy
might just get me closer to myself
to not fight but conspire
with my other half
the moon isn’t ever really full
without her darkside by her
against any reason or rule

Love is overrated..

Love is overrated
It does not solve everything
It destroys more than its made of
Like breaking after entering
Burn the building to the ground
Swallow the ashes and choke on it
Learn to let go what doesn’t count
Forget the sacrifices you both offered

Memories, both good and bad
Mean less than nothing
And should be forgotten
No loss of pride in feeling sad
Our cries hide behind raindrops
And tears will dry by sunshine
Breathe on until the pain stops
And keep your heart close to your mind

Leave the past for the history books
Grow towards a future that you decide today
Don’t worry about the time and difficulty it took
Focus on your own power and walk away

Because love may come
But don’t let it change you
It should’nt control your person
Or what you go and went through

And then love may go
But remember to know
That everything happens
Exactly as it has to
There are no reasons or patterns
So start every day as new

And remind yourself to remember
That coincidence doesn’t exist
There is no more to it
Than what it really is

Don’t fear for jealousy or hatred
The worst things are often also the greatest
Don’t try to make unworthy feelings sacred
Cause truth is, love is overrated ; )