I’m tired of being bound to you
Depleted, mistreated
Defeated, misunderstood
Do you even care that I exist
I’m sickened, quite literally
By the ways you so consciously
Choose to treat me, repeatedly
Regardless of how many times and ways
I address and exert
And beg and scream and say
That I need different, you just divert
Deflect, manipulate the variables
That’s what data scientists do, right?
Gaslight
Neglect and then pretend you’re victimized
You thrive
On painting me a villain
You could never exist the way you do
If I’d be in my full power
So you relish in how hard I go for you
Then silently triumph as I drown
In the puddle of tears
Cried over hurt
And trauma
Triggers and dirt
You know it all
The darkest and the worst
Yet you don’t lift a finger
Watch as I slowly disfigure
Into half the shade of my own shadow
You planted the hate and then let me grow
A sprout of evil
From your hand
How I wish I could
Dismember
How I wish I would
Only remember
A life before you took mine
Step back before I cross that line
hurt
#MeToo
What would you do if you came to the knowledge that your partner, or someone close to you, actively participated in someone else’s sexual abuse, assault or intimidation? Would you still be able to look at them the same, love them the same, feel the same for them? Would you protect (possibly enable) them and keep them around, or take a stand for the sake of humanity and eliminate them from your life?
With so many of the victims coming forward. Encouraged. Inspired. Empowered. So many still covered in the shadows of hurt and shame. Will we not forget to look for the attackers, the assaulters, the predators. Don’t kid yourself. They are all around us. They are your brothers and fathers and uncles and sons. Let’s not pretend it isn’t women too, so look at your sisters, mothers, aunts and daughters. Your cousins, neighbors, friends and partners. In all reality, the high percentage of victims indicates a high percentage of perpetrators. So be sure to take a good look around you, even your most inner circle, and don’t forget yourself…
…and, ask yourself. When you know, will you be idle? Could you forgive yourself, like you’d forgive them, passively?
Overcome fear
All that you fear, you can overcome
All that you overcome, cannot hurt you
Therefore
Anything you fear, will not have any power over you, as soon as you have overcome
That is where your focus should be
Life line.
All she wanted was a hug
A kiss, a warm consoling hand
On any part of her skin
When she told you she longs to no longer live
All she wanted was a few seconds of your time
Not hours, like you assumed
And yes you gave hours of your day to her
Spending time together, having fun
Watching videos, cuddling on the couch
But in this moment
She lost all of herself like the fleeting reflection of a moons full cycle into the new
She knew it would return, but right now there was nothing
Not even a speck of light
And all
She needed was a hug, a kiss
A warm consoling hand
On any part of her skin
But you said you had to work
You don’t have time for this right now
She asked you if she could die
You said no, but you showed her yes
By dismissing her pain, dismissing her clear call for your positive attention
You had to work cause your deadline wouldn’t wait
Wasting all week for the last moment to never make it in time to keep your promises anyway
Maybe she’ll jump your dead line some day
That used to be a life line but you pulled it away.
Razor
I’ll just sit here
Razor in hand
Broken from the plastic
The sharp line asking me
When will we rip open
My skin again
I’ll just sit here
Razor in place
Smoking my sense away
Because I anticipate regret
But can find no peace
Or protection
I’ll just sit here
Until either I
Or this razor
Will win
Depression
This is not about you
But you won’t understand
Or consider even
What I might be feeling
This is about battles I fight
Have lost a million times
Have the proof in the lines
On my wrist up to my elbow
This is not about you
Or anyone else
Because I can’t call for help
Because I don’t want to
Scare or worry anyone
This is not about them
I don’t want to hurt anyone
But I need to not want
To hurt myself as well
I can’t remove that feeling
If this is not about me
Then who am I doing this for
Staying strong
Not giving in
The urge to cut my skin
If this is about life
I don’t want any of it
Never did
Never will
Nothing good for me to come
Nothing good to remember
If this is about love
Then why is it not about me
Why can’t I love myself enough
To protect myself from this
Hurt inflicted by myself
This is not about anything
I want to feel nothing
But the hurt I feel inside
Is worse than any wound
I’ve ever caused
This is not about me
Or you
Or them
This is about depression
A disease I will never defeat
Every battle I win or lose
Is just postponing
The next to come
It will always merely be a wait
Until my heart will not longer beat
Until the final breath I take
Vengeance
When you think you’ve hurt me
Remember
That will merely be the inspiration
The resourceful seed that I plant
To bloom my vengeance from
It will be sweet and swift and hard
Lethal
Fierce and venomnous
But above all
Beautiful
Like the gaping wounds
The ever aching hurt
The never fading scars
You left on me
Nobody.
The only reason why I need people in my life, is to be reminded that they are never to be trusted or relied on.
A simple reminder for everyone:
Just know, in the back of your head, but try to keep it close to the surface of your heart, that when it comes down to the real essence, there is exactly nobody there for you. Regardless the cause or nature of your troubles. Regardless if it’s trouble or perhaps even happiness you have to share. There is nobody who really cares, nobody you can count on. You have nobody.
So feel free to get connected, involved or attached with anyone. Just remember this one truth until your last breath. Nobody.
You will only, always only, have yourself. In your best and in your worst moments, in the center of that moment, it’s always just you. You are born alone, you live alone, and you will die alone. Others come and go and might stay for a while and you may enjoy their company. But don’t fool yourself with thinking that they are there for you. They are, just like you, only there for themselves. It’s their right and their prerogative also, as it is your duty to come to this awareness. You need nobody.
It’s the loneliest realization to ever make, but it’s necessary to prevent any further disappointment and protect yourself from rejection and every form of hurt. Accept misery from…exactly, nobody.
It’s easy once you get it. You will always have nobody. No matter how deeply they love you, no matter how many unconditional promises were planted in your fertile soil of optimists belief. No matter how close and compassionate they may seem, they are never going to be there for you when you actually need them. That is a promise I can make in the name of the universe.
Lost.
I’m missing parts of my life that I haven’t lost yet, but that slowly disappeared from my daily encounters, seeping silently, dimming to diminishment.
I still to this day don’t understand how or why, the people I felt closest to, came and went by in the fraction of a blinked eye. I don’t hold grudges or resentment, but I do hold questions that will remain forever unanswered. And as I try to let them go, I wonder why it still matters to me while it seemingly never mattered that much to them.
The saddest thing about this is that when I do still talk to these people, it seems they also don’t know why or when or how it went lost. The only difference is that they just moved on without considering the options, without caring to even try. I feel I tried my best and gave my all, considering every possible scenario to be the least judgmental and the most understanding. I feel I valued these people dearly and never wanted for us to stray, not like this.
Why it happened, doesn’t matter anymore. How it happened, does still hurt.
I just still wonder, was it necessary to happen at all? As if growth and evolution can’t happen with people that you love surrounding you. As if I was holding any of these people back.
It hurts me to think that they might have thought of me that way.
I will never know because I will never ask. Partially, because I’m afraid of the answers, partially because I know they don’t have the answers.
Maybe I should just ask, I already lost them either way, what more do I have to lose now? But maybe the definitive aspect of receiving answers, is the closure I try to avoid, because I hope not all is lost just yet.
Now I will
My heart is too widely open
I could be crouched down with a blade pressed to my skin
But if someone would then and there need me, I’d forget all the hate and hurt, just for them, temporarily
To have it waiting for me when I return to myself
I will still, help, love, care
Even if I can’t do any of those for myself
My heart is too widely open
But the love flows one way
Because I don’t know how to receive
I’m not blaming anyone else
It’s not self pity either
Just a reality I either have to get used to
Or find a way to change
But what makes me think, that after 15 years of trying
Now I will succeed?
Truth Beyond Mystery 