lovely ugly rain, straining down my window pane
you aim to see me drain, or drown
but I can see the flames, go down
and in my brain I remain, static
I don’t fear the pain, so dramatic
you can tear in vain, I won’t panic
cause I am way to sane, and dynamic
you don’t know what it looks like, or ought to
I have nothing to prove right, so I forgot you
and all your no use fights
you thought you thought through
you know it’s not who
starts or ends
or is heartless within
the farther you went
the more you would lose
and the part that you win
is the force of abuse
the margin of sin
you pour, I refuse
stop acting so clueless
I’ve recovered from my bruises
and you can’t make me move less
guess you didn’t see my newsflash
I’m only doing what I do best : )
Filled with flames of anger
Agressively aggitated and furious
A heart so hurt it lost purpose
A soul so scarred and tangled
It’s now unrecognisable
Though aware the disguise would once fall
We kept on pretending to try
You continuously neglecting my cries
I constantly defending your lies
But what does one do when..
Your worst enemy is the one you are
What is there to know when..
Your own mind speaks nothing but hatred
Where can one go when..
Your own hands tore up the road that you follow
Where is one to hide when..
Your own feet crushed the roof above you
When you have no one…
to trust or believe in?
When even your own self…
is out to take you down?
How do you manage?
To what can one hold on?
I was taught to trust in love
But sadly enough
Just the wrong sort of
The love I clung to
Was a selfish prideful shimmer
Merely an image
Of what I wanted so badly to have
No reality, no truth at all
Just the wish telling the tale
A broken core to follow the fall
But something’s leaking from the cracks
Flowing fastly, building up in stacks
It’s a sweet fluid
Soft and thick and dark
It has a taste of home in it
Like hitting something sharp
It tells me where to go now
It tells me not to stop
Leave behind all the baggage I’ve been carrying
And get ahead with what I’ve got
Even if it’s not much
Nothing more than my body, mind and soul
Had to leave my heart behind
It was too heavy and my bag was full
Periods of time gone by, I only find myself now in the right place and time and most importantly in the position of ability to …write.
It’s hard to specify what makes it possible for me to write. What are the necessary factors that play a part in the proces of writing.
First of all, a certain sense of peace and rest, calmth and emptiness. Creativity and inspiration get killed by an overflow of information. Both visual as auditive noise can murder the flow of a thinker, a writer. Anything breaking the chain of concentration has to be diminished and eliminated in order to keep steady a stable progress.
It often occurs that one finds him- or herself in the right place and time and even ability to write a piece. The concentration flow has been sacredly kept save and isolated from any interference or ‘contra flow’. The creativity and inspiration seem close at hand, but somehow remain unreachable. Writers call it ‘writersblock’, although this term can also refer to not having any creativity or inspiration or whatsoever at all. I call this ‘flow lock’. All the right features are in place, the mental space filled with nothing but emptiness, calmth covers the senses. A river of creative cognition and intellectual inspiration is running through the mind rapidly. Until it hits a barrier, a large iron watergate. You can feel the creativity and inspiration bubble up and burst into the gate. But there seems no way to let it loose. Like a mime player, in an imaginary box. An enraged lion in a golden cage. A dancer whose legs got amputated. It feels like a handicap, a disability. Failure.
Failure means, making an attempt that turns out to be or become unsuccesful. Failure does not have to be taken negatively. Failure can be seen as the road to success: after falling off your bike a hundred times, the hundred-and-first time you manage to stay on it! Failure can also be seen as a process of learning: the experience you gain through the many failures you make, can be or become useful for other purposes. Generally, people link failure to a feeling of guilt. They somehow feel bad because they weren’t succesful. They thought they should or could have done better.
I think this sad ‘shoulda coulda woulda’ story is nothing but an excuse to the easy way out. Failure is the first step towards success. Without failure, success would not exist as it would not be distinguised as such. Without failure, every attempt, every action, every plan would be a success, because failure would simply not exist. And to be honest, not every attempt, action and plan is worth a success. Failure is necessary to learn, to grow, to be humble and greatful, to stay grounded and keep relativating. Seeing things in the right order and perspective clears the road to success. Practising and improving yourself continuously is the one purpose of failure.
Not being able to write, makes me able to write. The imaginary box, the golden cage, the iron gates and the amputated legs make me search myself thouroughly. It makes me investigate my mental skills, put them to the test and stretch their limits. The disability makes me ambitious. Ambitious to be able, be stable, be capable of doing what I want. Putting my creativity to product, injecting my inspiration into a project. Making dreams come to life, by keeping dreams alive inside. Reality begins and ends in the mind.
One can mentally kill or give birth to, neglect or nurse, destroy and destruct or enjoy and conduct any thing. And any thing mentally can be put to reality, through writing alone. Writing makes any idea, any concept, any lingering figment or thought a concrete thing. To read or learn, wonder about or teach. Language by itself, is the key to reality. And the writer…
The writer is the goldsmith that forged the key.
It burns in my chest
I don’t know how to cry anymore
Or how to feel what I felt last
I’ve lost love before
But I never feared I’d miss violence
Cause that’s what you imply
You have a side so evil
And I’m not exactly in my right mind
Together we’re more than lethal
But it’s the only real thing
That I’ve ever known
I can’t express in words
How this hurt feels
How I hate that I could not defend
Against your angry hands
Not because I don’t love myself
But because you are stronger always
I wish I could have done something
To not let my weakness win
But fighting you is a sign
Of being suicidal
And I want to live now more than ever
Because you took my freedom
And my safety and my trust and all I had
You tore it apart
Because in your thoughts
I don’t deserve to have anything
On purpose you cursed me
With what you call love and so on
You wouldn’t leave or let me run
Forcing me to swallow your hatred
And take from me what’s sacred
My innocense and pride
Glad to say I’m still alive
You couldn’t take from me
What you want and miss now so bad
>My love, my heart you’ll never have
And I will haunt you with that
My presence will be the salt in your wounds
That you carved in your own skin
And will never grow to scars
Cause I’ll be sure to keep them open
I should’ve ragged the blade through your face
When I had the chance for it
When you laid asleep next to me
Before you could fire your rage against me
Next time you dare to care to come around
I got a surprise, I promise
You won’t see it coming
When you try to act up or hurt me again
I got a bullet here waiting
With your initials on it
My revenge is silent and motionless
Like when your body falls
And I will never regret it
Because it’s only justice
My way to deal with
What you did
take my breath away
cause it hurts and aches
and I don’t care for it anymore
I want to be more than before
you should keep your distance
cause in an instant
I can turn violent on you
even though I don’t want to
and I don’t deal with regret
it’s a selfish & senseless act
and I hate a powerless feeling
cause it’s doesn’t provide healing
I just want my lungs gone
with my heart I’m also done
I have no need for it
will live solely by courage
and fed by frustration
a severe separation
of the morbid mind
where there is no flaw to find
I long so long for peace
but am bound by this disease
these trainwrecks of thoughts
restraining from what I ought
still my movements are empty
and your hatred only tempts me
to stack up strength
and reach for revenge
fear for what will follow
the words you read are hollow
but the sensation it gives you
is worse than you can live through
Why are you in my heart?
You have no right being there!
It’s not where you belong at all
I don’t even know who you are
You’re like a faint and distant memory
A vague shadow swimming through my blood
The scent of something I already forgot
And you won’t let me in either
Because if I can’t get you out
I want to know your story
But you refuse to respond
Everytime I see your face
You remind me of this feeling
So remote and irrelevant
Still so apparant and appealing
I want to know you
Or I want you gone
Looking for signals
That are missing
I need to run from this
Knowing either way you’ll follow
And since I can’t hide in your chest
I don’t want to know where I’m going
Someday I hope you’ll release me
And show me who you really are
Cause being in love with a total stranger
Is the scariest thing ever so far
What is it that makes people collide?
What makes it that person X, falls for person Y, and not for person Z?
This isn’t about logic, mathematics or statistics for that matter.
This is about chemistry. Not the scientific kind, but the attracting/appealing kind of chemistry. The kind that brings us to passion, lust, love and all other claimed emotions.
Of course there’s the scientific explanation, to why people come to interact in a certain way with specific other people.
The Darwinistic evolutionary view, about ‘fittest reproduction partners’ and feromones and genetic variation and so on.
But that dear theory does not give us (or me!) a reasonable motivation to why so many people fall for the WRONG person.
The thought that everything has to have reasonable ground, just doesn’t do it, when it comes to interpersonal relationships. They rarely make sense at all, let alone are reasonable in any way or kind.
The neediness for this constant fallback on act-react, give-take, cost-profit, economic balance of usefulness.. is called pragmatism. The thought that everything has to be useful in some sense, or else it might not even exist..!
Luckily for love, it is and can not be bound by any laws or structures, perfectly flawed as it is. Therefore this pragmatism does not apply. Love does not serve any external goal, it doesn’t have to be useful, it does not need any reason or ground to exist. Its only goal, usefulness, reason or ground is itself, intrinsically.
But love does not always draw the lines in the social grid of human intersections. So what is it really, that makes us connect to certain people, rather than to various fit others?
Are these people experiences we have to evolve through, life lessons haunting to be learned, post-traumatic stress therapy maybe?
Whatever it is, I’m pretty sure it’s more than just DNA & genes trying to survive and multiply themselves, regardless of and through us..
Pragmatism itself is pragmatic, and not in a pleonastic sense. It can be useful, but is not necessarily the only or right way to see or do things.
My thought of the day:
The most useful (pragmatic) thing isn’t always the best or most righteous. Because the best & most righteous things in life are not useful at all. They just fill the soul with a glow.
Therefore, it’s probably right to say, there is no reason to why.. ever! Any question that starts with WHY, can be answered by the recollection that there is no answer at all..
The odds were off, everything was working against what we know best. Every fear was found unfounded, the air was filled with the most precious unpredictability.
I saw somebody walking on the street, with the exact same t-shirt, as the one you used to wear, and was my favorite.
I spend all day with a gorgeous sweet guy, who wore the exact same shoes you bought as a gift for your own birthday last month.
Seemingly irrelevant notions, but to me it raised caution..
What do these signs tell me ?
This I know..
That I can safely let you go
That it’s okay for me to move on
That my dreams are now in reach
That I only have to get up and grab them
With both hands
Pull myself up
With all my strength
Cut off the dead weight
Of your corpse drowning in my memories
My thought of the day:
Don’t try to erase your past.
Instead replace it with your future.
The world is so beautiful when it’s night
The darkness pulls me in and holds me tight
The nocturnal breeze is so clear and bright
It almost makes me feel alive
It allows me to grow fearlessly like
A blossom in the daylight
No pain or anger, dispair of fright
No rain, no failure, just air and pride
Finally, I dare to fight
For what I am so far
No longer waiting
But aiming, for that shooting star
Restrain from hating
There’s a lesson behind each scar
With every second I learn
With every breath I grow
I’m at a point of no return
Forward is the only way to go
Strength and faith
Is all I want and know
Chances to take
And choices to make
That’s all I see
The only thing on my mind
Is to be and stay free
And leave the hurt behind
To restrictions I’m blind
Only open to possibilities
Value all my abilities
And let no one come between myself and I
Train myself to fly
Beyond the sky
Out of sight for the unfit eye
No longer ashamed to cry
Because I aim high
And know these tears will dry
As long as I don’t give up to try