Why am I like this?

If you expect something from me, I will automatically care.

So when you tell me you were waiting all night for my message, I will feel bad for falling asleep. Even though I owe you nothing, barely know you, have all the right to sleep whenever I want or need to (especially seeing as I struggle with falling asleep). So I should be happy I dozed off so relatively easily. But, you showed you cared and that it bothered you. You articulated expectation, you were disappointed by something I did (or didn’t) that had no real direct correlation or connection to you. I will still care, feel bad, guilty, inclined to fix it or make it up to you. Did I mention I barely know you?

Why am I like this? (and seemingly only I in this whole wild world) Because I know how it feels to care and not be cared about, to grow attached a little too quickly and cultivate rapidly expanding expectations based on a needle point sized probability of reality. I have been mistreated, dismissed, disappointed, led on, kept in the dark, lied to and cheated on so much and many times. Still I will always (regrettedly to my own ego and self loving properties) believe in the best of people, hope and pray for the best in their lives, give another chance each time the former expires, let people cross lines I’ve chalked down in blood, keep giving more of myself even when I clearly receive nothing in return, pretend I’m okay with what happens while I’m dying inside. Why? Why am I like this?

I am care. The very definition of sensitivity. In both its light as also dark magic. Now I only have to learn how to apply this all to myself. And as I tred the silver silk line that is this process, I slip every other step, back into familiar default patterns. Two steps ahead, always followed by one backwards. Still moving forward, though, through constant setbacks. Crawling through layers, scratched by the cracking of surfaces I break through and rise up from, ready to fall all the way back for the slightest sign of care from anyone who’s willing to show it. Not out of desperation for attention, rather despair for the acknowledgment and existence of unconditional love. Not because of weakness, but from the urge to mean to others what I wish I could mean to myself.

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Now I will

My heart is too widely open
I could be crouched down with a blade pressed to my skin
But if someone would then and there need me, I’d forget all the hate and hurt, just for them, temporarily
To have it waiting for me when I return to myself

I will still, help, love, care
Even if I can’t do any of those for myself
My heart is too widely open
But the love flows one way
Because I don’t know how to receive
I’m not blaming anyone else
It’s not self pity either

Just a reality I either have to get used to
Or find a way to change
But what makes me think, that after 15 years of trying
Now I will succeed?

Self Sabotage – thoughts on thoughts

Stop sabotaging yourself by being too open and honest about personal details that outsiders don’t need to know about. Keep some of your mystery (it has a purpose) & emphasize the reality you want to be.

Some people feel urged to tell everyone their deepest secrets, as to distribute the weight of the load on their shoulders, so it becomes less heavy for themselves to carry alone. However understandable, it might not actually seem harmful to share certain things with others, even just the people close to you.
They might not be the ones that cause the harm from the information they receive, though. You might be causing disruptions in yourself through what you choose to deliver.

When you speak out for your insecurities or doubt (or any other thought / emotion), they become real. Expressing and addressing anything that circulates through you emotionally, verbally, mentally and consciously, will establish itself within you as much as you put it out there.
There is nothing wrong with recognizing & acknowledging self awareness or conducting & applying self reflection, but realize that whatever you think about, whatever you build with thoughts, you grant power of existence. By speaking out for them, you give them a voice. The connection between what lives within and what lives in reality is made by your thoughts and actions alone.

Will you satisfy the need for destruction through negative spirals that wrap themselves around you as you let them loose from your own mind?
Will you circle yourself in uplifting spirited inspiration that strengthens your belief system and broadens your perspectives?

Whatever you put out in the world, will manifest itself within you first and foremost. Make sure it’s something worthy, lasting & positive.
Make waves that help move forward.

Part of a Life

found on pinterestimage found on pinterest


I often go for walks outside by myself. Sit nearby the water and watch the sun play its shine on the ripples, painting its art on the moving surface. For me to just tune out of my own life and zone in the world around me.

During those walks, I run into all kinds of people. Some going for a walk just as me, with their partner, family, friends, or alone, walking their dog or going for a jog.

Then sometimes I see people walking, of whom I get the idea, that this is the first time they resurfaced to the real world again, after a period of solitary hibernation. Maybe because I can identify, maybe it’s just personal projection and recognition, maybe not.

They seem anxious in both an excited and fearful way, super self conscious and clearly exploring the outside beyond their bubble, as if just fallen from the nest. They are not together, not composed, not centered.
Not at all that I claim to be any one of those things, but perhaps from my own experience in that situation, I recognize these restless beings roaming for another purpose, seeking the restfulness, aiming for that point where their life will tilt back over to a more positive direction.
They are not walking away from their responsibilities, they are again meeting the reality beyond themselves and reaching back to the notion of better times ahead.

I am, seemingly more than others, aware of my surroundings, but not only that. I like to see people. Not just look at them, or observe and judge, place them in the proper position of my mental picture, but see them and their story behind the posture.
There is a name for this: sonder. The awareness that every soul you come across has a whole universe hidden behind their daily facade. A whole life of ups & downs, of cries, screams, tears, smiles, heartaches, disease, sorrow, loss, love, hurt, intentions, desires, mistakes, fantasies, knowledge, wisdom, emotions.

It’s fascinating to me, not only to see and think about, analyse and even feel it in their presence. But alone the thought, that I, as an outsider to them, will never be part of theirs as they will never be of mine.
Although it could be.. when worlds collide, split open and intervene with each other. On a daily basis, it doesn’t always happen like that, though. We sit and stare, as do they. We observe and care, maybe also on their part. But we will never know.. For the simple reason that I prefer to respect people in their being, as I would appreciate the same from their side.

While sometimes.. it is so pleasant to meet, someone who has maybe the same empathic feelers, to see and notice my little bubble, but they are in touch deeply enough with a realization that peeking through that bubble, will first of all not break my bubble, nor will it break or bother me.
Sometimes I just sit in my happy pensive solitude, observing the reality of reality and the reality of other’s reality, and then there is just this one friendly man, walking his old yet playful dog, and he asks me with sincere interest: “how is your game going?”, meaning my obsessive preoccupation and busy typing on my phone. I look up, take my earphones out, my sunglasses off, smile at him and tell him: “I’m not playing a game, I’m writing..” …BOOM… Worlds have collided, bubbles burst open, a conversation has commenced. Just like that.

We may live alone, but we are never alone. No matter how we enjoy and cherish our solitude, knowing others still find us worthy for their interest or might just need to connect with someone to break through their own solitude, is such a rewarding feeling of being alive : )
Being part of a life, not just my own.

The same changes…

Is there any such thing as “the same” ?

Do we see the same image after blinking with our eyes ? No of course not, in the nano second that my eyelid closed and reopened, a leaf may have fallen from the flowers in front of me, an ant may have crawled 2cm further in the grass. Even if nothing visibly moves, everything is still in motion. The world still turns, it doesn’t pause. I am a nano second ahead in time, the moment is not which it was when I chose to close my eyes.

Do we ever meet the same person ? No of course not. The person I saw yesterday may stand before me today again, but in the meantime this person has gone through several cognitive processes and experienced various emotions and situations. It might be too much to say that this person has changed to the core, but things have been added to or subtracted from this person’s being.

Am I ever the same person ? What is stated above about other people, counts for myself also. Who I am, what I know and want, might be slightly altered since yesterday, although maybe not significantly. Just as easily, something lifechanging could have occured, in just the past 5 seconds. Even when I’m not (yet) aware of it.

For anything to remain consistent in existence, there would have to be some way to put the here and now on hold. Because something is only what it is, in the exact moment and place that it is. A second later, a centimeter further and the entire situation is altered, resulting in a modification of the object itself in essence as well.

For anything to be released of this consistency, be free of the here and now clausule, it needs to change.

What causes an object to go from static to dynamic, from standing still to start moving? Technically speaking, the answer could be very elaborate and over-detailed. If you skip back through all the processes preceding the first step in the chain, you’ll get to it being just this tiny little thing, that stands at the begin of it all: the urge to will.

The only problem with willing, is that it doesn’t like to be forced. If it’s not there, you can’t just summon it. The wanting should be there and clear before beginning any movement, not the other way around. Don’t make wanting something a goal on it’s own. Your will is the means towards a goal that can get you further. Because standing still, doesn’t happen in this reality.

27

Some things I have to admit…

I love that you are 27. Although there are so many people of that age, I love the exact fact and the only way you are 27, as I already love how you will be 28 in a few months.
You have your very own special way in every thing.. Breathing, thinking, moving, talking.. In all essence so pure and beautiful, so effortless and gracious.

I love how I met you, how our story developed. Like a blossom opening in shyness, but reflecting nature’s power in all its brightness.
The water from rain feeding its growth, the light from the sun securing its strength. That is how our love reflects the entire universe in us together.

I feel blessed in full awareness and am thankful in solid gratitude, for you and all you bring to my life.
Every piece of calmth and wisdom, strength and shelter, warmth and safety. Our complementing harmony ..supplementing in synergy ..self evident as synchronicity.

Above all, most importantly and sincere.. Care, Love, Trust ..braided together by communication without fear.

I adore your effect on me, I admire your entire being. You are what I envision paradise to be, the reality to all I’ve been dreaming.
So fascinating, how you captivate me. So gravitating, how you elevate me. Without any doubt, the surest thing to hold on to, the realest one to count on.

When all else fails, I know I will always have faith in us, and when all else falls apart, I know I will always have our love.