I am beyond saddened
about what I could have
not could have had
could still have
yet can’t
because allowing myself
would destroy so many
lives that have come
to be connected
dependently
with mine
all my wishes
mean nothing
empty phonetics
lacking semantic value
eternally revolving
around you
against my will
involuntary orbit
who says the moon
pulls on the waves
who is to say
if it isn’t the water
holding her on a leash
lapping devotedly
to keep up
with your
bewildered tides
Brown walking angel
Your hairs are your wings
You stumble yet always arrive
Around my shoulders
You’re wrapped
In my heart you thrive
I like to capture
You in my hands like fireflies
Glowing while fluttering
I’ll never reveal your disguise
Our tiny secret
Like our kisses
Under velvet night skies
Sparkling with hope
Bourbon glistening angel
With your wings draped and dark
You came down from heaven
Yet you shine like above the stars
All she wanted was a hug
A kiss, a warm consoling hand
On any part of her skin
When she told you she longs to no longer live
All she wanted was a few seconds of your time
Not hours, like you assumed
And yes you gave hours of your day to her
Spending time together, having fun
Watching videos, cuddling on the couch
But in this moment
She lost all of herself like the fleeting reflection of a moons full cycle into the new
She knew it would return, but right now there was nothing
Not even a speck of light
And all
She needed was a hug, a kiss
A warm consoling hand
On any part of her skin
But you said you had to work
You don’t have time for this right now
She asked you if she could die
You said no, but you showed her yes
By dismissing her pain, dismissing her clear call for your positive attention
You had to work cause your deadline wouldn’t wait
Wasting all week for the last moment to never make it in time to keep your promises anyway
Maybe she’ll jump your dead line some day
That used to be a life line but you pulled it away.
I’ll just sit here
Razor in hand
Broken from the plastic
The sharp line asking me
When will we rip open
My skin again
I’ll just sit here
Razor in place
Smoking my sense away
Because I anticipate regret
But can find no peace
Or protection
I’ll just sit here
Until either I
Or this razor
Will win
I wrote down my love
Rolled up the message in a bottle
Sealed with a kiss
I put it to drift in the sea
To travel across oceans of hope
To reach the shores of your heart
Ever since we grew apart
Stick your feet in the sand
Let it coat your skin
Feel the suction of the water
You might see a piece of me within
When you do, all I ask
Not for a response, but
Read my love for you
Some day you’ll say
You were never in love with me
That I was just a lesson
A justified mistake
Because I seemed better
At first than what I turned out to be
Some day you’ll be
Happy that this regret didn’t continue
That you are released
A relief it must be
Now that it’s over
At last nothing is any longer bothering you
Some day perhaps
Though, you will come to see
What you have done also
How I was affected
By your demeanor and rejection
At least feeling worthless wasn’t new to me
peace seeps in
as I bleed you out
please remain away
in my strength
as well as my doubt
I believe sincerely
only without you
will I be able
to ever achieve
anything of light
you chained me
deep down in darkness
because it was easier
for you to forsake
abandon me thus far
I still blame you for putting us through this, I still blame you for letting me stand alone, while promising me that as long as I believe we will, we can. I still blame you for walking away and extending this torture, instead of expanding our future, for pretending there’s no other way. I blame you for making me feel like there’s truly no way out, to the point that I become as hopeless as I am love deprived in this loneliness of heartache far from your calm safety of resurrection and revival.
I honestly don’t care anymore, what is realistic or not, if this love is real it should be able to provide us with the power to overcome and persevere. Not only in separation, but in ways to end it also. Not only to get through this together, but to remain in togetherness also.
It might now even be all on you, I know it’s not, but in the powerlessness of this struggle, the urge to blame someone other than myself is maybe the only thing that can still keep me hopeful. As contradictory as that sounds, as it is.
Sometimes not having a choice is also a choice. I principally don’t believe in the concept of regret, because it’s useless by default. Regret is not the same as learning from mistakes and moving on for the better, regret is dwelling in past mistakes and not providing the means to change course. I do, however in all my contradictory ways, regret many of the choices we said we had no choice but to make. I still blame you, but now I blame myself too.
I love how much you love me
How much our love can overcome
How even when we no longer exist
Our love still live on
I believe that
I love how much I love you
Even when it hurts
It’s a power greater and stronger
Than either of us
Or together combined
Truth Beyond Mystery 