We are all, always, looking for things that don’t exist.
Truth, reality, love..
Idealistic illusions are those concepts in my view.
They are idealistic because we strive for them, driven solely by hope and faith for some better way of living and deeper insight in life itself.
They are illusions in the sense that they don’t actually appear in life. Abstract as they are, they can only be formed in the mind.
Being mere concepts therefore.
There is no reasonable ground to presume that any such thing as truth, reality or love actually exist.
The ideas we have about them, are nothing but a balanced calculation between hopes and desires on one side, fear and uncertainty on the other.
As well like views on luck and happiness, these formless unstructured notions of how the world might be and how life may or may not be organized, are simply gradual layers related to one another in a mental conceptual landscape that fits the imagination as well as it can operate in practise.
These visions of things and how things are in opposition to how they appear, are necessary for us to survive.
In a whole new scale of levelling, survival of the most well-adapted is still only a filter to create and stimulate motion.
Motion holds abruptly if there is no space to move into. Growth, development, evolution, however it gets downgraded to normative terms: All is in motion, constantly.
And in the same moment, there is also only ever here and now. This contradiction alone, is to me sufficient enough to believe there is no such thing as reasonable ground to any thing.
No matter how advanced our science or techniques may become, we as humans will always contradict ourselves in our finding, because we eternally continue seeking for more, deeper, further.
But in the end, there is no ultimate substance, no earliest beginning, no inevitable ending. The deepest, highest, most final answer or solution or explanation is the illusion so idealistic to us, that it keeps us looking, that keeps stimulating us to move forward, thus keep evolving. Therefore it is manditory for us to survive, to always continue looking for sense to be made in this world and life.
There is only motion… Even time and space only exist relatively to one another. Only now or never, only here and nothing, are sure entities. The rest will remain a mystery, but lucid enough to keep us moving towards it.
The Mind
– philosophical pieces & random thoughts
Legacy.
you get yourself into this world
knowing no one will ever be trusted
looking for ways to avoid pain
but unintentionally finding it all over the place
hoping someone will once come to save you
realising that can never happen
because your true savior is within
..right?
of course, but what about the thrill
in living alone there is no pleasure
the connection to others is what challenges
the troubles in growth are what lure
and move us towards a larger space
wherein we can flourish away
to then end up not recognizing ourselves
..right?
what are these circles we run in wildly?
sometimes I wonder what is it all worth?
as if we ever gonna be satisfied
not until life’s over and then many might
reply with: that’s what life is about
learning and growing each step of the way
to then throw it all away
in leaving earth and become forgotten
..right?
I want to leave a legacy
I need to be remembered
I have to get heard and seen and known
if not, I can’t stop living
..ever?
but if so, I won’t have to stop living… ever.
The Second Heart
I want to write till dawn falls
Until I don’t remember anything
About now or ever or whatever that is to come
I know there are no memories available
Of a future that is mine to make
But the past that is mine to keep
Promises only worse to follow
I rather not know any thing no more
I rather not breathe another ounce of oxygen
I rather just sleep to never wake once more
I rather just die tonight cause living for tomorrow is a waste
Tomorrow won’t be any better than before
Like none of the tomorrows ever been
They’re always just the same
A little worse if I’m lucky
Maybe something awful to happen, if I try hard
Never better
Never brighte
People hope and believe and pray
For anything, for all that will never come
It’s all just such a waste of effort
Life is a waste of time
Not worth the time wasted though
In the end you die and be forgotten
Why start and make something of it to begin with
It all ends the same
Everything you try
Goes the same way eventually
Follows the same path
Maybe that is destiny
That things in YOUR life, always go the way YOUR life is supposed to go
Fucked up in my case
Still I stay this messed up believer
Believing in better things to come
Believing in hope to bring relief
Believing in love to ever ease my heart
…But the way this heart’s been broken
It’s impossible to heal…
No one should feel obliged to even try
Let’s just say you do feel that way
Let’s just consider a situation where someone comes along
That wants to make me happy and alive
Someone who is convinced he wants to love me and fill me with all the joy and love in the world
…He will find out soon enough
That it simply takes too much…
Too much time, too much effort, too much attention, too much understanding, too much care, too much commitment, too much endless interest, too much patience, too much love, too much light, too much happiness, too much of everything that has ever been considered to belong to the category of ‘good’
You see, I have this enormous black hole, in the place where average people carry their heart.
I know, the heart is nothing but a muscle, which grows more strong and fit, if you train it.
But we’re all human right ?
Human’s have everything in pairs:
Two eyes
Two nostrels
Two ears
Two lips
Two cheeks
Two hands
Two arms
Two lungs
Two legs
Two feet
Two nipples
Two buttcheeks
Two pieces of reproductions devices (men: testicles, women: overies)
Two brainhalfs
So how come we only have one (physical) heart ?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not getting all psych right now.. and I know that ‘matters of the heart’ ..it’s just a metaphore because emotion doesn’t actually occur in the heart. We may feel it in our thorax area, some only feel it in their abdomen. In reality it’s just electricity in the nerve system.
But we call it the heart, for some reason right ?
Let’s just pretend for a second, that we actually have two hearts…
One physical, pumping around our blood, supplying our body with what it needs to stay vital, keeping us alive.
And one heart, on a whole other level. Not mental or emotional even. I don’t even care to call it metafysical, because that has a philosopical nasty ring to it. No, I mean something waaay beyond that.
A second heart, I think we all have another heart, on a level of love. Love being then this universal source. A source, not just supernatural, but outernatural. Like a god almost. But nothing like a god at the same time. Because I’m not talking about a person or a creature or anything that has form or shape or extension. I’m talking about something way more elusive and lucid. Something way more abstract and intangible. Something not even divine or superb, but everything more than that. Something so unimaginable, yet so desirable. Something so exciting, yet so nerve rackingly calming. Something so fulfilling, you get confused because as a human being you just don’t understand why you’re not seeking for fulfilment anylonger. Something so overwhelming, it covers and controls every governing system you ever had or created in order to keep yourself together. Yet it has you falling apart. Because as a human being, you’re not built to handle this.
Self-sabotage, self-inflicted injury, self-mutilation even.
At least, that is the typical way of dealing with these things or situations, for me. Would’nt know how to any other way. Maybe that’s my ultimale goal, maybe I have a goal in life after all.
Learning, or teaching myself.. to deal, cope or handle with.. life (?) and all that comes with it? Which should be nothing but love. But who wants to live in Utopia?
What’s the good worth, without the bad ?
Could we distinguish the colors of light if there was no darkness for it to step out off ?
Could we recognise sound if there was never silence ?
I think we would though. I think every living person has a certain sense of what’s good and great and perfect and beautiful and precious and lovely even if we’ve never had any sensory experience of it, as a sort of ‘a priori’ invested knowledge implanted in our souls to begin our lifes with.
Why do I think that? What has me so convinced?
How come we know the concept of ‘peace’ while the world is in war every day ever since human race can begin to remember it’s own name ?
How come even the most morbid souls know at least some clinical description of the meaning of love ?
How come we manage to conceptualize the meaning of an ‘utopia’ when there is no perfection ever realized in this world ?
How could there every exist such knowledge (or ‘faith’, for the pessimists and sceptists among us) if there wasn’t just the slightest fraction of useful information to support any of such conceptual ideas..?
Even the most extravagant, extraordinary, extreme and irrealistic fantasy or dream, is only constructed with the tools of our sensory perception. If we dream, we dream in shapes and colors, which we know… from within, from before.
We dream about what we know, they say. A random cocktail of deep hidden beliefs and fears and hopes or desires even, mixed together into a story, or even just a documentary of flashing images that make no sense but agressively pound their footsteps in our mental image anyhow.
But I bet baby’s dream too.. Maybe they don’t remember their dreams, they’re probably not fit to reproduce a sensible story out of them afterwards at any time of their lifes…
But I’m sure baby’s dream. And I don’t just refer to baby’s, at this point. I’m actually talking about fetuses. Baby’s that still live in the womb of an pregnant woman, full of big expectations, so to speak. I don’t really know if there has been any research regarding this specific question (and if not, I really think there should be, by now), but I think that any human being, when developed a full use of the brain capacity, it would be able to dream, right?
I mean, an unborn baby can hear it’s surroundings. The impressions it gains while being breed, are supposed to be carried along with the child among its life. So I bet there is a mental space, in that tiny brain, that has already (or at least practices perhaps) some premature mental equivalent of processing those (probably mostly auditive) impressions, into dreams..
So let’s just assume that is true. Unborn infants experience dreams too.. Then what do they really dream about? Their eyes are still closed, they don’t have any visuals. They just have sounds. Some basic emotions maybe? It’s true that dreams don’t always occur in a visual content. Sometimes we just dream a feeling, a sensation. If they are ugly and fearful, we call them night terrors. (not nightmares.. nightmares are just bad dreams). Night terrors.. we all have them, you dream something so awful, you won’t even know how to remember what it looked like. Like post-traumatic stress syndrome after a traumatic event. You know it happened, you know EVERY detail about it!! …only not in words, or images, even the most creative examples or most vivid metaphors don’t begin to allow to explain exactly HOW it felt or WHAT it was like.
But those can only exist if a person has at least the slightest amount of misery in experience available. Presuming an unborn baby has no such thing, I allow myself to assume that unborn baby’s have dreams, not night terrors.
Coming back to where I started with, how is it that we know about things that not really exist? Such as peace and perfection. And what do unborn baby’s dream about, if they have no visual content whatsoever to construct a dream in display?
There must be, in my imagination at least, a place where these things develop and occur. A place beyond physicalities, broken free of scientific borders. I believe it is the second heart.
A nature of every human, that resides among them, further and deeper than the senses could ever explain. A second heart, where love lives and rules and flows freely, and willingly. Yet trapped like a secret potion in a vessel. The vessel of eternal youth, perhaps…
The ability to write…
Periods of time gone by, I only find myself now in the right place and time and most importantly in the position of ability to …write.
It’s hard to specify what makes it possible for me to write. What are the necessary factors that play a part in the proces of writing.
First of all, a certain sense of peace and rest, calmth and emptiness. Creativity and inspiration get killed by an overflow of information. Both visual as auditive noise can murder the flow of a thinker, a writer. Anything breaking the chain of concentration has to be diminished and eliminated in order to keep steady a stable progress.
It often occurs that one finds him- or herself in the right place and time and even ability to write a piece. The concentration flow has been sacredly kept save and isolated from any interference or ‘contra flow’. The creativity and inspiration seem close at hand, but somehow remain unreachable. Writers call it ‘writersblock’, although this term can also refer to not having any creativity or inspiration or whatsoever at all. I call this ‘flow lock’. All the right features are in place, the mental space filled with nothing but emptiness, calmth covers the senses. A river of creative cognition and intellectual inspiration is running through the mind rapidly. Until it hits a barrier, a large iron watergate. You can feel the creativity and inspiration bubble up and burst into the gate. But there seems no way to let it loose. Like a mime player, in an imaginary box. An enraged lion in a golden cage. A dancer whose legs got amputated. It feels like a handicap, a disability. Failure.
Failure means, making an attempt that turns out to be or become unsuccesful. Failure does not have to be taken negatively. Failure can be seen as the road to success: after falling off your bike a hundred times, the hundred-and-first time you manage to stay on it! Failure can also be seen as a process of learning: the experience you gain through the many failures you make, can be or become useful for other purposes. Generally, people link failure to a feeling of guilt. They somehow feel bad because they weren’t succesful. They thought they should or could have done better.
I think this sad ‘shoulda coulda woulda’ story is nothing but an excuse to the easy way out. Failure is the first step towards success. Without failure, success would not exist as it would not be distinguised as such. Without failure, every attempt, every action, every plan would be a success, because failure would simply not exist. And to be honest, not every attempt, action and plan is worth a success. Failure is necessary to learn, to grow, to be humble and greatful, to stay grounded and keep relativating. Seeing things in the right order and perspective clears the road to success. Practising and improving yourself continuously is the one purpose of failure.
Not being able to write, makes me able to write. The imaginary box, the golden cage, the iron gates and the amputated legs make me search myself thouroughly. It makes me investigate my mental skills, put them to the test and stretch their limits. The disability makes me ambitious. Ambitious to be able, be stable, be capable of doing what I want. Putting my creativity to product, injecting my inspiration into a project. Making dreams come to life, by keeping dreams alive inside. Reality begins and ends in the mind.
One can mentally kill or give birth to, neglect or nurse, destroy and destruct or enjoy and conduct any thing. And any thing mentally can be put to reality, through writing alone. Writing makes any idea, any concept, any lingering figment or thought a concrete thing. To read or learn, wonder about or teach. Language by itself, is the key to reality. And the writer…
The writer is the goldsmith that forged the key.
Collisions & Pragmatism
What is it that makes people collide?
What makes it that person X, falls for person Y, and not for person Z?
This isn’t about logic, mathematics or statistics for that matter.
This is about chemistry. Not the scientific kind, but the attracting/appealing kind of chemistry. The kind that brings us to passion, lust, love and all other claimed emotions.
Of course there’s the scientific explanation, to why people come to interact in a certain way with specific other people.
The Darwinistic evolutionary view, about ‘fittest reproduction partners’ and feromones and genetic variation and so on.
But that dear theory does not give us (or me!) a reasonable motivation to why so many people fall for the WRONG person.
The thought that everything has to have reasonable ground, just doesn’t do it, when it comes to interpersonal relationships. They rarely make sense at all, let alone are reasonable in any way or kind.
The neediness for this constant fallback on act-react, give-take, cost-profit, economic balance of usefulness.. is called pragmatism. The thought that everything has to be useful in some sense, or else it might not even exist..!
Luckily for love, it is and can not be bound by any laws or structures, perfectly flawed as it is. Therefore this pragmatism does not apply. Love does not serve any external goal, it doesn’t have to be useful, it does not need any reason or ground to exist. Its only goal, usefulness, reason or ground is itself, intrinsically.
But love does not always draw the lines in the social grid of human intersections. So what is it really, that makes us connect to certain people, rather than to various fit others?
Are these people experiences we have to evolve through, life lessons haunting to be learned, post-traumatic stress therapy maybe?
Whatever it is, I’m pretty sure it’s more than just DNA & genes trying to survive and multiply themselves, regardless of and through us..
Pragmatism itself is pragmatic, and not in a pleonastic sense. It can be useful, but is not necessarily the only or right way to see or do things.
My thought of the day:
The most useful (pragmatic) thing isn’t always the best or most righteous. Because the best & most righteous things in life are not useful at all. They just fill the soul with a glow.
Therefore, it’s probably right to say, there is no reason to why.. ever! Any question that starts with WHY, can be answered by the recollection that there is no answer at all..
On Luck
Anything is possible, if you really want it and try hard enough.
“You can do anything you set your mind to”
Infamous motivational words. I think it’s really not that simple, though.
If you break it down and analyze it, you’ll find a kind of contradicting tone in between: “you can do anything, if…” – indeed IF!
The fact that the possibility of everything (or anything) is tied down and subject to any sort of conditions, does a little damage to the ‘everything’ (or ‘anything’) part.
Especially because the conditions we’re talking about here are not just hard work, ambition and persistence. But first and for most you’ll need a healthy dosis of talent, faith, presence of good circumstances, absence of the wrong ones and of course a whole lot of… luck. (related to how big your dreams are and how high the goal is you’re aiming at). And some of these things can be altered, manipulated or even trained. But luck…
Luck is something so shady and volatile. It’s just the same in essence and existence as is coincidence.
Both might or might not be real, both are completely unattainable and untouchable, elusive to any kind of external force.
Both are so rare, you almost don’t dare, to believe they’re really there..
And yet they form the main basis, the very foundation, for the conditions needed to do and have it all.
Almost impossible. Too good to be true. And still, even if there’s only just a 0.0001% probability, it’s still a real possibility.
Challenged, but real.
My thought of the day:
If you don’t try, you’ll never know..
If you want to break out of a vicious cycle, you have to be more dynamic then the cycle that’s moving around you.
FearLess
Hello Reader,
I will try to explain why the name of my blog is:
‘Truth Beyond Mystery‘
As known to us all:
Nothing really is what it seems.
With me, this also is the case. I’ve always been looking past my true essence, escaping myself, knowing the world around me wasn’t ready for it.
Truth is, I wasn’t ready to realize who I am.
I use the word ‘realize’ with emphasis, because it means two things in this context:
In the first sense, I think I was for too long afraid to truly see and know myself.. In the second, I was unable to find the right path to make myself, to become who I ought to be.
This realization-process so to speak, has only recently begun its development. Finding my way out of this hiding place, trying to get used to the sunlight and fresh air.
I’m trying to get through the maze of mystery I build around me to cover myself. I’m trying to bring out my true essence and let it flourish and shine.
Recognize my being as whole and not fear any part of it.
This really is about becoming fearless in every aspect of life.
My thought of the day:
See things how they are and how they ought to be. Be fearless and passionate.
I’ve decided to blog..
Hello to all that might be reading this,
I’ve finally made the decision to write a blog. I’ve been a writer for a while now (I write poetry and short stories), but I never really gone public with any of my work.
I’ll be using this blog to post some of my latest or greatest pieces, or maybe sometimes just to let my thoughts flow on whatever subject is relevant at the time. Like a window to my mind.
I don’t know who will read this blog, if anyone.. But I think it’s important to share not only knowledge and information, but also thoughts and views on the world we live in. Maybe someday, someone will be able to use or value it. That’s the main reason why I finally decided to blog.
My thought of the day:
Openness is important to let ideas and opportunities flow in, and let less worthy memories drain out.
That’s it for now, I’ll be back soon with a more substantial follow up blog ; )
Love, Gita
Truth Beyond Mystery 