When it comes to prayer, it is actually quite useless to pray for what you want or need. Even to thank God or ask for forgiveness, makes not much sense at all. Why? Because God in all His omniscient almightiness, already knows what you want and need, what is important to you, that you are thankful and (or) in search of forgiveness. He already gives it to you, with added unconditional love, you just need to be able and willing to receive it.
So prayer, essentially, is nothing but awareness. In your prayers you make yourself, rather than God, aware of what you want, need, wish and (or) hope for, what is important to you, that you are thankful, that you’re asking for forgiveness. After you have made yourself aware, then is when you can recognize the gift that God already places in your heart, because He already saw and granted you that which you didn’t have the words to ask for.
Long Distance Relationship.
I don’t believe in long distance relationships.
I don’t want a long distance relationship.
I don’t do long distance relationships.
I’ve said this many times and I stand by it, fiercely.
Yet, I am in a long distance relationship, still.
Let me put that a little clearer for you:
Yet, I FUCKING am still in a FUCKING long FUCKING distance FUCKING relation- FUCKING ship !!!!!
Yes, that’s how it feels, exactly how it feels. I’m not going to sugar coat it and act like it has more benefits than it has, act like it has more advantages than disadvantages, act like it brings you “closer” and builds you “stronger”. Although all those might be somewhat true, it also just FUCKING hurts.
To never be able to be with or hold your loved one. Bury your face in their safety, touch or kiss your loved one. To deal with a time difference, varying from 5-6 hours, because daylight savings time is still a FUCKING useless thing over here. To be waking up while they go to sleep. To wait until time is favorable for them to be communicative. To feel fully loved and completely empty at the same time. To be so in love yet so alone, with love, without your love.
To be unable to express your love because texting and skyping is JUST NOT REAL, it’s just not enough. It’s like saying you’re a vegetarian but you still eat chicken and fish. It’s like saying you quit smoking, but you still smoke on the weekends. It’s like saying you’re sexually active while actually you just masturbate. It’s like crying without tears, sleeping without dreams, screaming without sound, running without movement, seeing without shapes or colors, like breathing without air.
You are constantly and continuously shut out of your love’s life. You are always left aside, never involved, never get to participate, never get to share…their feelings, events, moments, memories. Everything is happening without you. The life of your love is being lived without you. They’re living without you, they’re doing fine without you. It’s like being broken up, and they’re moving on, but at the same time you’re also still in a relationship, somehow. You’re still supposed to hope for and believe in a future that doesn’t seem to exist or ever become real.
You are not a part of their life. Only in their phone, tablet, laptop. You live in their phone, tablet, laptop. The moment that technology fails, you’re cut off cold turkey and completely powerless.
At the same time, you’re own life, all your feelings, events, moments, memories…are equally unshareable. The loneliness of it all is unbearable.
I honestly don’t know anymore what’s worse to me, being in a relationship where your partner physically & emotionally abuses you, or being in a relationship where your partner isn’t even around, ever.
Having been in both, I can say sincerely, I cannot distinguish which scenario could be better. At least in the first case, everyone agrees with you that it’s unhealthy, undesirable and calls for some life-changing decisions to be made. As for the latter, people just think it’s romantic…long distance ‘ohh, what a love story, that one’s for the books!’. Ugh.
Nobody understands SHIT.
All living their average generic moderately content lives. People in relationships are the worst, you envy and secretly HATE everyone who gets to be with their love. Envy because you wish you could, hate because they take it all so for granted.
I WISH I could be average generic moderately content. Right now, that’s my highest ambition in terms of personal happiness. I don’t dare to ask for more, I don’t need to ask for more. I don’t want for more, than to just be with the one I love. Who loves me equally, if not more.
But the universe…
THE FUCKING ASSHOLE UNIVERSE!!!!
Has a reason for all this…sure.
You just tell yourself that.
Whatever makes you sleep at night.
Which you don’t, because you have chronic insomnia.
So whatever makes you sleep when you have the average generic moderately content LUCK to get some sleep. Take it. With both hands.
That also counts for your love. When it comes by, take it & make it work. Whether it’s here and now, or then and there.
As long as it’s worth it… and with tears in my eyes, scars on my soul and holes in my heart, I can still say:
True love is always worth it. ❤
Story of my life
There are people with a religion.
There are people with a culture.
There are people with a job.
There are people with a family.
And then there are people with a story.
I am a person with a story.
I have a story, not only to tell, but to carry with me as well.
I am not defined by the culture I grew up or live in, or the
religious beliefs that I hold.
I am not defined by the training I had, or the career I
might pursue.
I am not defined by the family that raised me or the people that I surround myself with.
I am defined by that story.
The story of my life.
Challenge.
Don’t challenge your own standards just because another changed theirs.
– Truth Beyond Mystery –
.Diamond in the Rough.
full moon is on the rise
but the vessel it’s to fill
has run empty
nothing remains or
is left to reach out for
all the things I dreamt to be
every aching part of me
is dripping down a drain
pulsing from a vein
lost in a bottomless hole
who knows where it leads to
or where it goes
once it escapes the bubble of light
the blackness of a hurting heart
left in solitude to overanalyse
it only just might
live and stand high
or die and fall apart
by the touch of who once owned it
then turned away and stoned it
wounds might heal
time may resolve
but scars don’t disappear
moments like these take their toll
like a glass shattered on the floor
glue it back together
and all you’ll see is cracks
crumble up a paper
can you ever again get it flat
without the lines showing through?
luckily I’m a diamond
if only in the rough
my sharp edges define me
to protect me against what’s tough
you couldn’t break or nevermind me
but you can lock me up
although a golden cage will never outshine me
sometimes it’s better to have enough
than to lose to love
Phoenix in the sky.
Fire.
In the tired tears of solitude and abandonment, I find the grounds that will take me further. They will move underneath my feet, they will carry me like I’m weightless. They will be nurtured by grains of strengthless hope, prideless faith and vainless patience.
The deeper the hole I dig in this nothingness, the larger the pile of dust I collect. All just matter to build a path from, all leading to a way out. The black hole beneath, above and around me gets sucked into oblivion by the fire inside my heart.
Infinite and pure, unmoved and self reliant. It fuels from its own ashes, it breathes its own heat. It burns water to steam, it lights air up to flames, it cracks any rock into sand. Every attempt to extinguish, it diminishes within a heartbeat.
It will be my leading light out of this darkness, it will be the furnace I prepare my food on, it will be the blanket I keep warm under, it will be my weapon against any harm.
I’ll reach the sun, going from cloud to cloud, from sitting by the moon, staring in amazement, blessed by its magical shine and warmth. I will return this fire to its nature and origin, and become a moon myself.
Forever surrounded by and surrounding myself with, the light, love and life that is within this eternal fire. Always in awe of what I once held in my heart to then enjoy from a safe and respectful length of peace.
Pure
Sand in my face, salt in my hair
I left my worries right there
Buried them on the shore
For the oceans to take anywhere
It has no use anymore
To hold on to them or stare
At them endlessly like before
I have so much more
To give and learn and share
Of what I want and need, I’m sure
All I have to do now, is dare
Forget not to breathe, restore
See clearly why and how, I care
And love to the fullest from the core
Because I deserve what and where
I’m going and belong to live for
Nomatter if it’s wrong, right or fair
As long as my intentions are pure
Prophecy
Emphasize what’s meaningless
Regret everything that’s not
Amplify all reason less
There is more that we don’t got
Deny every form of structure
Embrace chaos with all due devotion
Cherish what comes in the future
Time has only one direction for motion
Forgive the ignorant
For they don’t know why you should
Release all sensation
Perception is more idealistic than good
Promise what you forgot
Someone might come back for it
Respond to lust with pride,
to love with innocence
Have faith and believe
Trust hatred to leave
Such as every other emotion
No one controls any of them
We lock them away to be safe
Like an enraged lion in a cage
It has no use to us
To doubt everything we lose
Our voices don’t echo when they scream
Our breath never lasts longer than a minute
To await signals like a prophecy
Is like expecting the moon to come closer
It’s only fading further
Pulling loose for freedom
The same changes…
Is there any such thing as “the same” ?
Do we see the same image after blinking with our eyes ? No of course not, in the nano second that my eyelid closed and reopened, a leaf may have fallen from the flowers in front of me, an ant may have crawled 2cm further in the grass. Even if nothing visibly moves, everything is still in motion. The world still turns, it doesn’t pause. I am a nano second ahead in time, the moment is not which it was when I chose to close my eyes.
Do we ever meet the same person ? No of course not. The person I saw yesterday may stand before me today again, but in the meantime this person has gone through several cognitive processes and experienced various emotions and situations. It might be too much to say that this person has changed to the core, but things have been added to or subtracted from this person’s being.
Am I ever the same person ? What is stated above about other people, counts for myself also. Who I am, what I know and want, might be slightly altered since yesterday, although maybe not significantly. Just as easily, something lifechanging could have occured, in just the past 5 seconds. Even when I’m not (yet) aware of it.
For anything to remain consistent in existence, there would have to be some way to put the here and now on hold. Because something is only what it is, in the exact moment and place that it is. A second later, a centimeter further and the entire situation is altered, resulting in a modification of the object itself in essence as well.
For anything to be released of this consistency, be free of the here and now clausule, it needs to change.
What causes an object to go from static to dynamic, from standing still to start moving? Technically speaking, the answer could be very elaborate and over-detailed. If you skip back through all the processes preceding the first step in the chain, you’ll get to it being just this tiny little thing, that stands at the begin of it all: the urge to will.
The only problem with willing, is that it doesn’t like to be forced. If it’s not there, you can’t just summon it. The wanting should be there and clear before beginning any movement, not the other way around. Don’t make wanting something a goal on it’s own. Your will is the means towards a goal that can get you further. Because standing still, doesn’t happen in this reality.
Truth Beyond Mystery 