You know that moment when you’re doing something a bit dangerous, perhaps risky even, demanding the most of your attention, focus and alertness. Then someone with seemingly helpful intentions, from the sideline, starts giving you advice and nudges of intended empowerment, probably warn you to be cautious as they’re at it.
Most likely causing you to divert your attention, shift your focus by that exact nudge they give, flock from your alertness just a second, as to take into consideration what’s being offered to you. Because you don’t want to seem ungrateful, because you appreciate their care and input, because they are important to you. Chances are that exactly then is when things start to go wrong.
Realize this deep and well: focus on yourself and what you’re doing for what you want. Nobody is living exactly your life, but you, so it’s upto you and only you, to block out anything holding you back or drifting you off your aim.
Recognize true support, it never comes as distraction.
Tolerate nothing that stands in your way or turns out to sabotage your progress. This is your own responsibility, your choice and you have to deal with it your way. People will always think they’re just being kind and helping you. It’s yours to say what’s actually helpful and what isn’t, and you are allowed to dismiss what isn’t progressive to YOU.
Nobody but you knows what you need, to do what you need to do. Nobody but you has the grip, the handle, the control and the power for your own life.
Nobody but you.
Remember this when taking in well meant advice. Remember this when listening to sideliners empowering or warning you. Remember this when you need help, you decide what’s helpful or not.
Not them. Never them. However well meant. It’s all you and your own in the end.
Razor
I’ll just sit here
Razor in hand
Broken from the plastic
The sharp line asking me
When will we rip open
My skin again
I’ll just sit here
Razor in place
Smoking my sense away
Because I anticipate regret
But can find no peace
Or protection
I’ll just sit here
Until either I
Or this razor
Will win
Depression
This is not about you
But you won’t understand
Or consider even
What I might be feeling
This is about battles I fight
Have lost a million times
Have the proof in the lines
On my wrist up to my elbow
This is not about you
Or anyone else
Because I can’t call for help
Because I don’t want to
Scare or worry anyone
This is not about them
I don’t want to hurt anyone
But I need to not want
To hurt myself as well
I can’t remove that feeling
If this is not about me
Then who am I doing this for
Staying strong
Not giving in
The urge to cut my skin
If this is about life
I don’t want any of it
Never did
Never will
Nothing good for me to come
Nothing good to remember
If this is about love
Then why is it not about me
Why can’t I love myself enough
To protect myself from this
Hurt inflicted by myself
This is not about anything
I want to feel nothing
But the hurt I feel inside
Is worse than any wound
I’ve ever caused
This is not about me
Or you
Or them
This is about depression
A disease I will never defeat
Every battle I win or lose
Is just postponing
The next to come
It will always merely be a wait
Until my heart will not longer beat
Until the final breath I take
Message in a bottle
I wrote down my love
Rolled up the message in a bottle
Sealed with a kiss
I put it to drift in the sea
To travel across oceans of hope
To reach the shores of your heart
Ever since we grew apart
Stick your feet in the sand
Let it coat your skin
Feel the suction of the water
You might see a piece of me within
When you do, all I ask
Not for a response, but
Read my love for you
Some Day
Some day you’ll say
You were never in love with me
That I was just a lesson
A justified mistake
Because I seemed better
At first than what I turned out to be
Some day you’ll be
Happy that this regret didn’t continue
That you are released
A relief it must be
Now that it’s over
At last nothing is any longer bothering you
Some day perhaps
Though, you will come to see
What you have done also
How I was affected
By your demeanor and rejection
At least feeling worthless wasn’t new to me
Love, kindness and maybe art
I will sleep when I need to
Leave me alone
With your structure and standards
With your routines and rules
System this, regulation that
I will live as my
Body, mind and spirit
Feel adequate so
I live to heal and grow
Feed my soul
Nothing of this world constructed
By mankind other than kindness
Love and maybe art
Are in which I’d want to take part
Or enclose in my heart
Leave me out of your
Over socialized society
With only lonely people
Attached to detachment
Plus vice versa
Pretending, lying, masks on, dying
Always crying
Never showing
Always trying
Never knowing
The only life I’m in
Is of learning and growing
Not surviving ongoing
For flying and soaring
Leave me out of your life
Of grids and boxes
Of lines
I want shapes and colors
Unnaturally
Inexplicable
And unpredictable
Keep the organized
The crime and cruelty
The steps and plans and forms
The maps, the can’ts and won’ts
I will not ever participate to conform
Bury me wherever you need to
My being will burn either way
My scars will guide
Towards a brighter day
For anyone who agrees
I dedicated my release
Freedom is all I’ll ever be
A life of how I am free
All I’ll ever have
Want and need nothing else from me
Indifference
I sleep in the shadow of my tears
Painted by the moon on my eyelids
Carved by the rising sun on my cheeks
Dried and hardened to stone threads
Of solemn sorrow and sadness
Grown attached to my skin like scars
Like the ripened wounds on my wrist
From over the years
You were once not like this
I was once stronger
Your kindness withered like my trust
My faith decayed by your indifference
Anything of Light
peace seeps in
as I bleed you out
please remain away
in my strength
as well as my doubt
I believe sincerely
only without you
will I be able
to ever achieve
anything of light
you chained me
deep down in darkness
because it was easier
for you to forsake
abandon me thus far
“My man”
Somebody called you “my man” today… doesn’t seem like much special, but I caught myself in the act. I can’t believe, that after over 3 years of being in an exclusive, passionate, insane, magical and committed relationship, with healthy -and unhealthy- doses of attachment, obsession and infatuation, when someone refers to you, today, as “my man”… I still get the uncontrollable urgent tendency to say: “I don’t have a man”…
How is this even possible? When all I clearly, obviously want is to be yours & you mine. But see, that’s the thing… No I don’t know what the thing is, but there’s a thing.
I think I’ve never come to terms, or reconciliation, or agreement even, with myself that this, that you… that this with you is real.
Somehow it always stayed lingering, simmering, marinade-ing on ‘fairy tale’ level. Maybe this clarifies a little of my mechanisms surrounding you and your behavior and disappointments related to you.
I can just so easily write you out the story. At least I think I can, but evidently I really can’t. If it’s surreal, like a dream, then I am lucid enough to control what happens. Except with you, I’m never in control. Not over you, which I shouldn’t even have to want (if you would only behave), not over any situation with or regarding you either, because you’re equally if not slightly more stubborn and prideful than me.
A constant power struggle, and the mindful positivists tell the people of worries (like I am) that if controlling the situation is impossible… it’s OKAY, because at the very least you can control yourself and how you deal or react. NOPE!! not me, not this one, I can’t. Not with you, ohh irony, “my man”.
Maybe that’s exactly what really does make you “my man” and this struggle won’t end until I realize and more importantly, embrace you as you are,
MY MAN.
but what if you
put me to shame?
what if you make
me look like a
fool? what if you
betray & play &
I’ll never know
… control …
… anxiety …
who ever has any reason to trust anyone?
Save up
I still blame you for putting us through this, I still blame you for letting me stand alone, while promising me that as long as I believe we will, we can. I still blame you for walking away and extending this torture, instead of expanding our future, for pretending there’s no other way. I blame you for making me feel like there’s truly no way out, to the point that I become as hopeless as I am love deprived in this loneliness of heartache far from your calm safety of resurrection and revival.
I honestly don’t care anymore, what is realistic or not, if this love is real it should be able to provide us with the power to overcome and persevere. Not only in separation, but in ways to end it also. Not only to get through this together, but to remain in togetherness also.
It might now even be all on you, I know it’s not, but in the powerlessness of this struggle, the urge to blame someone other than myself is maybe the only thing that can still keep me hopeful. As contradictory as that sounds, as it is.
Sometimes not having a choice is also a choice. I principally don’t believe in the concept of regret, because it’s useless by default. Regret is not the same as learning from mistakes and moving on for the better, regret is dwelling in past mistakes and not providing the means to change course. I do, however in all my contradictory ways, regret many of the choices we said we had no choice but to make. I still blame you, but now I blame myself too.
Truth Beyond Mystery 