She acts stronger than she is
She lasts longer than she cares
She looks open but resides rather privately
She grows only on her own surrounded by silence
Passive aggressive doesn’t touch her
It molds her, controls her, destroys her
To a beast of no more morals
Containment or pride do not exist
Blind rage of fears and doubts she likes to hate
Can anyone blame her?
If they don’t even know her
Judging is the closest they will ever get allowed to come
Purely because she reaches beyond their general level
Of self reflective darkness
Self induced light
Under performing progress
Over accomplishing bright
She cries louder than thunderstorms
She sinks deeper than the no returns
Of a black holes singularity
She unfolds stacks of complexities
Within a wink of thought
But crashes all her brilliance
For the shadow of what she felt
When she first fell in love
She will unravel you
Before you begin to reveal
To yourself even the rhythm
Of reflections you’ve never rested without
She will narrate you
Beyond annoyance but deeply rooted
In a truth you didn’t know you had internal
Until she plucked it from your brain
To lay it before you on the table
With a pride in her smile
That shines through the rooms in her own darkened mind
Only to admit that it was you who brought it to her
She will always promise you
All her inspiration comes from how she lives
How it happens, how it goes
How she drew it all out while she was born
How every word she writes is a memory
From before she became real
Liquid Love
Love is what it looks like to look at you
My pride I feel is proof enough
Of how pure and precious you are
Which somehow I always was aware of
When my eyes locked the first time
There was no other thought roaming
Than a desire to get to know you
As I saw you I stay ever since in awe
And each day as I grow closer
To understanding your beauty
I sink deeper in a delicate embrace
A liquid love that coats me in thick coverage
All around, soaked through and through
Like ink in my skin, no washing away
Caught on my retina one day
You stayed on my mind
As we connected at first sight
You latched on to my soul easily
Seeping your way into my heart
Daily devouring me with care
On emotion, in spirit, physically
With your love so empowering
How it overwhelms me full of wonder
There’s no will for me to control
Any of myself anymore
All for you it will always be
I don’t remember from before
Who I was prior to you loving me
Epic decisions.
Everything really great starts out a little scary.
Everything worth trying seems ridiculous at some point.
The value is determined by the effort it takes.
The outcome relies on too many factors combined to be calculated.
But the importance always resides,
in the emotional intention behind everything.
From above
Every other second
I feel like everything could fall apart
Tragedies that happened
Remain irreversible to the heart
What’s left of promises?
The answer I’m still waiting for
Broken spirit more or less
But faith still blooming forever sure
Like flowers sprouting from clouds of doubt
Still proud with or without solid ground
On how it will unfold or fall
Because nothing at all
I repeat, nothing at all
Could replace any aspect
Of this wonderful, disastrous, magical epic
For the ball is round
It’s you that I found
And embrace every effect
That your beautiful, infectious, angelic being
Has on me
What you’ve done to us
I can’t stop to be
Amazed every day
I am faced to appreciate
How I’m becoming by love
Up and down, around and from above
Confessions of a Rapist.
I raped a girl today. It wasn’t my intention. But it happened. I don’t know if it was because I felt like she was showing signs of wanting me. Or because I just wanted to, in spite of anything she wanted.
At the moment, I didn’t think. I didn’t think about any of that. Because I guess I didn’t care. I didn’t care about any of that. I saw what I wanted and I took it. And I took it good. Maybe she even enjoyed it. Maybe she just pretended to not want it. Girls do that sometimes. They say no, because they’re not sure, because they feel it’s wrong, because they want to play games. Not because they really don’t want it.
So I took her to a place nobody would come by. I knew that, because I’ve been there before. To just be alone and smoke weed or drink and think about things. I took her there and I sat her down. We talked, I thought I could talk her into being into me. She did show signs of liking me, but I still wasn’t sure. So I just started touching her. She did say ‘no’, but it wasn’t very convincing. She seemed insecure. So I went on. I took her hand and put it on my body. I told her to suck my dick. She said she had never done that before. What? She was 19 years old, 1 year older than me. How could she have never done that before.
I told her to try, she said she didn’t want to. But I was already hard, I don’t know why. Maybe because of the look in her eyes, asking for me to save her, or her trembling lips, that I wanted to touch so badly. I took her hand and put it on my dick. I told her to touch it. I lifted up my sweatpants and put her hand in my boxers. Her eyes became large. That meant she liked it, right?
She tried to pull her hand back, but I didn’t let her. I got up and pulled her up with me. I turned her around and kissed her neck. That way she would feel comfortable. Comfortable and happy about what was going to happen. She kept saying ‘no’, but I felt like she didn’t mean it. I pulled down her pants and her underwear. Now she was begging ‘please don’t do this’.
Those were just words though, she didn’t do anything to stop me. I pulled out my dick and put it at the entrance. I pushed in and it felt so tight and warm, wet even.
If she’s wet, how can she say she doesn’t want it? How can she not want this? It feels so good. I hold her tightly around her waist. She screams ‘no, please stop’ a couple of times. She puts her nails in the skin of my arm. I tighten my grip and hold her firmly. She’s not going anywhere. She is mine, for now. I thrust in and out. I fuck her hard and deep. Now she can’t deny me anything. No one can deny me this. I’ve earned this, I deserve this. She belongs to me. Her body is my pleasure. She keeps begging me to stop. It’s starting to get annoying. I tell her to wait, I’m almost done. I feel like I’m going to cum, but she needs to shut up. She’s so tight and warm, her body feels so smooth and soft in my arms. How can she not feel what I’m feeling? This feeling is awesome, fucking awesome!
She has her hands covering her mouth now. See, she does enjoy it, she has to control herself not to scream in delight. I thrust a couple more times and I cum. I empty out all my built up frustration and sensation in her precious little hole. I stay in there for a minute. Trying to regain the feeling, trying to block out her crying. She’s ruining it for me!
I pull out and walk away to clean my dick. I come back and she’s still standing in the position I left her. I must’ve fucked her in shock, that’s how good it was. She can’t even move, that’s how good it was. It must have been that good to her. She has her hand covering her mouth and she’s crying. Fuck, why is she still crying? Wasn’t it as good to her as it was to me? I try to pull up her pants, just so nobody will catch us here. She doesn’t cooperate, but she also doesn’t struggle against me. She’s still crying.
What did I do? What’s her fucking problem!? Wasn’t it great for both of us? I take her to sit down again. I wipe her tears and try to comfort her. She doesn’t say anything, and is just crying, still.
I try to talk to her, while stroking her head, but she seems so distant. The things I say, do not seem to reach her. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m giving up. I’ll just take her back to the station. I’ll just get rid of her, as soon as possible. What a disappointment this is.
Fuck! I guess I just raped her…
Heavy on the heart…this happened 8 years ago today.. (written in my perception of his perspective)
Nobody.
The only reason why I need people in my life, is to be reminded that they are never to be trusted or relied on.
A simple reminder for everyone:
Just know, in the back of your head, but try to keep it close to the surface of your heart, that when it comes down to the real essence, there is exactly nobody there for you. Regardless the cause or nature of your troubles. Regardless if it’s trouble or perhaps even happiness you have to share. There is nobody who really cares, nobody you can count on. You have nobody.
So feel free to get connected, involved or attached with anyone. Just remember this one truth until your last breath. Nobody.
You will only, always only, have yourself. In your best and in your worst moments, in the center of that moment, it’s always just you. You are born alone, you live alone, and you will die alone. Others come and go and might stay for a while and you may enjoy their company. But don’t fool yourself with thinking that they are there for you. They are, just like you, only there for themselves. It’s their right and their prerogative also, as it is your duty to come to this awareness. You need nobody.
It’s the loneliest realization to ever make, but it’s necessary to prevent any further disappointment and protect yourself from rejection and every form of hurt. Accept misery from…exactly, nobody.
It’s easy once you get it. You will always have nobody. No matter how deeply they love you, no matter how many unconditional promises were planted in your fertile soil of optimists belief. No matter how close and compassionate they may seem, they are never going to be there for you when you actually need them. That is a promise I can make in the name of the universe.
Crown.
Love wears your name as a crown
Beauty itself turns pale next to you
You pull me up through the clouds
To never come down
The embrace of your heart I most value
💕
Be cliché because be yourself!
She wants to experience all the lives of all the others. She joins in on their hysterical crazes and tries to blend her mind with their outrageous ideas. She does the research to make sure she understands them and can keep up. She sometimes dives in too deep, and what for others was casual leisure, becomes now an obsession for her. That’s when she moves on to another group. One where she can fit more of herself in, one where she feels more parts of her reflected and understood.
I wish someone would tell her, it’s not necessary at all, what you are doing. You don’t have to conform to be able to be liked. You don’t have to try so hard to be still so unheard. You don’t have to sell your soul to open up your heart. You don’t have to be liked to be loved by people who matter. And what would you rather be, liked or loved? Disposable or invaluable?
The most important thing is to be aware of yourself and what you have to offer them. Don’t downplay yourself, be real and be honest. What do you see reflected in people’s faces when you’re with them? What compliments do they give that you got so accustomed to nonchalantly brush off? What do you like most about others? Chances are, that’s what you like most about yourself, only you have trouble seeing it in yourself, so you seek the reflection of it in others.
Go and experience your own life. Explore your own desires and weave your own dreams. Follow them, or write about them, paint them or just tell them to others. Inspire and have hope. Always have hope. Love and despair from time to time, but not all the time (no, not even love). Create and let loose. Suffocate yourself in breathing new things and drown yourself by swimming new depths. Be proud, be silly, be passionate, be noisy and obnoxious, be humble and forgiving. Be thankful and be aware. Be cliché because be yourself!
Red Wine Stains
Red wine stains in my soul
Black fumes from the heart
Whatever made me feel whole
Now tears me apart
– Truth Beyond Mystery –
Lost.
I’m missing parts of my life that I haven’t lost yet, but that slowly disappeared from my daily encounters, seeping silently, dimming to diminishment.
I still to this day don’t understand how or why, the people I felt closest to, came and went by in the fraction of a blinked eye. I don’t hold grudges or resentment, but I do hold questions that will remain forever unanswered. And as I try to let them go, I wonder why it still matters to me while it seemingly never mattered that much to them.
The saddest thing about this is that when I do still talk to these people, it seems they also don’t know why or when or how it went lost. The only difference is that they just moved on without considering the options, without caring to even try. I feel I tried my best and gave my all, considering every possible scenario to be the least judgmental and the most understanding. I feel I valued these people dearly and never wanted for us to stray, not like this.
Why it happened, doesn’t matter anymore. How it happened, does still hurt.
I just still wonder, was it necessary to happen at all? As if growth and evolution can’t happen with people that you love surrounding you. As if I was holding any of these people back.
It hurts me to think that they might have thought of me that way.
I will never know because I will never ask. Partially, because I’m afraid of the answers, partially because I know they don’t have the answers.
Maybe I should just ask, I already lost them either way, what more do I have to lose now? But maybe the definitive aspect of receiving answers, is the closure I try to avoid, because I hope not all is lost just yet.
Truth Beyond Mystery 