I will never not love you
It’s been running through my mind
For days and months and years now
I guess I have to begin to accept
That you’re just part of my soul
Running alongside my blood
Together with every heartbeat
Through my tiniest capillaries
Pulsing subtle and softly
In the background
Never too present
But absolutely always there
Fed by each ounce of oxygen
I manage to breathe
While I might not be aware
Each time I give it a glance
I catch myself looking away
Startled by my own thoughts
Of hoping for another chance
This no longer makes sense
So much time has passed
So many reasons convincingly
Brought us only further from each other
Yet safely buried underneath
My deepest layers of emotions
You are still the truest love I’ve ever felt
As I realize in cautious observation
How I always pick the roughest path
Only grow the hardest way
I will still calmly walk along
This one way street
Leading always to
But never from you
All my heart slowly learns
Love doesn’t do returns
Through giving or gain
Pieces will always remain
Cover of Love
We are attached
I can’t undo it
When intimacy latched on
Our flesh melted
Like gold upon gold
We grew purer
But corrupted each other
And when times arrive
That I want to peel you off my skin
I realize within seconds
How deeply you are rooted underneath
I’d rip my own heart out
If I were to return yours
Some parts of us are fused
Some remain autonomous
But in order for me to ever
Remove you from my system
I have to undo and break
Pieces of myself
That I have become to rely on
You grew on me
Like scar tissue
A mutilated cover of love
On open wounds
I didn’t close soon enough
Parts
There are parts of you
That I want to just cuddle and snuff
Like cocaine
And then, there are parts
That I want to just kick and smash
Like a bug on the wall
The Unpromised Tomorrow
I would not ask of you to give me all your tomorrows, for there is no such thing as a promise in tomorrow.
I wouldn’t ask you for anything beyond your control of the universe.
But I’d like to ask you for your yesterdays. A promise to share together our reflections on memories of our times.
That, if we may make it to the unpromised tomorrow, we will accompany each other to celebrate every yesterday we’ve come through.
The Wind
I wish I would just be the wind
Go wherever I need without resistance
No aim about direction
Without care of what I might hit and stumble upon
Obstacles just purposing to change my course
Others just to rush through
Causing music along my way
Soften a heat, strengthening rain
Tickle a fire, or flush it out cold
Skies offer home, clouds merely toys
If I was the wind, all my worries would be my joys
Stop looking.
He kept showing my only each and all of the reasons why I broke up with him in the first place. Every time we’d interact, he’d whip out another classic example of his asshole self, his selfish behaviors, his grave lack of responsibility, his inability to care, try, reflect or understand, his stubborn stuck up spoiled blown up ego and pride that he continued to hide behind.
So I had to stop looking. I had to look away and stop feeding the person that I hated he’d become with my attention and frustration. I realized only now that this person he was becoming, thrived on my anxiety and my attempts to bring out the best of him gave him fuel to desperately keep holding on control over himself.
My obsessiveness, I shall admit, must’ve enabled him to retreat from willingness to arrogance.
Yet he truly was convinced he was evolving as a person. But growth and evolution are a one way direction. You can’t grow into a littler man. He was becoming less of himself by trying to be free, while he already was.
Still, his life so his choice, his prerogative. But I wasn’t willing to stand idly by and let that happen to the man I love. I tried my everything to make him see and realize what he was doing and what he was letting happen, but there is only so much one person can do for another until it crosses outside of your jurisdiction. It wasn’t up to me.
So I’m not looking anymore. I’m walking away. My hands clean. My conscience clear. My heart emptied of dead weight. My soul cleansed from all the hurt and sorrow. No more of his drama in my tomorrow.
Although I might’ve been the cause and reason of all of this. I arrived in his life, shook it up and down, put pressure and pushed him, had extensive needs and expectations. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. Whether I did this, or he. I don’t want it anymore. It’s holding me back from being myself, from my own journey, my growth, my evolution, my becoming of my self.
I will have to learn to fabricate a future for myself that doesn’t include him. Give up all my plans and dreams. Start all over, again.
Point the direction of my hope on myself again. Put my thoughts and feelings on a path surrounding myself. Pray for my own happy ending. By myself. Alone, as I’ve always been. With whomever I was.
Going.
Don’t confuse courage with impulsiveness.
Being fearless means not much when it doesn’t come from fear first. Any breakthrough will only matter, if it’s made both mental and emotional.
Thinking things through is as important as following your heart. Because in your soul, the two combine. Cognition plus emotion form what you consider as self. All ego aside, you will need that self to be who you are and become who you want to be. There is no moment when you’ll have any of these figured out. It’s an continuous proces, we like to call it life. And it’s clearly not about getting somewhere, but it is about going.
Neverland
and if I never land
it’s because
you’re heaven send
– Truth Beyond Mystery
Survival is selfish.
My neighbors might think I run a bdsm dungeon, because at times I scream and cry so loud that it sounds like I’m being tortured.
Which, essentially, I am.
I have episodes of depression and anxiety attacks that are so severe. When every fiber in my body is conspiring together to hurt myself.
In the pure desperation to overpower myself, I have no sense of control.
By any means necessary, I have to protect and save myself.
From myself, by myself.. that struggle not many will understand.
I can’t rationalize myself out of it, there is no logic or reason.
There’s only survival.
Calming myself down could actually turn out to be more dangerous.
Every episode asks for its own individual approach. One time, a cigarette might suffice. The next day a walk could ease my nerves. Another moment I will collapse in the weakness of my flesh and dissolve in the saltiness of my tears.
There is no way to prepare or prevent these attacks from happening or coming at me.
There’s no way to know in advance how to deal with that particular anxiety that’s going to infect me next.
Once I’m in it, I’ll fight with all I have to reach through and make it out alive and unharmed.
By any means necessary, I won’t apologize for how. Survival is selfish.
I am no victim. I am a survivor.
I am no victim.
I am a survivor.
– Truth Beyond Mystery
Truth Beyond Mystery 