Survival is selfish.

My neighbors might think I run a bdsm dungeon, because at times I scream and cry so loud that it sounds like I’m being tortured.

Which, essentially, I am.

I have episodes of depression and anxiety attacks that are so severe. When every fiber in my body is conspiring together to hurt myself.
In the pure desperation to overpower myself, I have no sense of control.

By any means necessary, I have to protect and save myself.
From myself, by myself..
that struggle not many will understand.

I can’t rationalize myself out of it, there is no logic or reason.
There’s only survival.
Calming myself down could actually turn out to be more dangerous.

Every episode asks for its own individual approach. One time, a cigarette might suffice. The next day a walk could ease my nerves. Another moment I will collapse in the weakness of my flesh and dissolve in the saltiness of my tears.

There is no way to prepare or prevent these attacks from happening or coming at me.
There’s no way to know in advance how to deal with that particular anxiety that’s going to infect me next.

Once I’m in it, I’ll fight with all I have to reach through and make it out alive and unharmed.

By any means necessary, I won’t apologize for how. Survival is selfish.



It burns in my chest
I don’t know how to cry anymore
Or how to feel what I felt last
I’ve lost love before
But I never feared I’d miss violence
Cause that’s what you imply
You have a side so evil
And I’m not exactly in my right mind
Together we’re more than lethal
But it’s the only real thing
That I’ve ever known

I can’t express in words
How this hurt feels
How I hate that I could not defend
Myself again
Against your angry hands
Not because I don’t love myself
But because you are stronger always
I wish I could have done something
To not let my weakness win
But fighting you is a sign
Of being suicidal

And I want to live now more than ever
Because you took my freedom
And my safety and my trust and all I had
You tore it apart
Because in your thoughts
I don’t deserve to have anything
On purpose you cursed me
With what you call love and so on
You wouldn’t leave or let me run
Forcing me to swallow your hatred
And take from me what’s sacred

My innocense and pride
Glad to say I’m still alive
You couldn’t take from me
What you want and miss now so bad
>My love, my heart you’ll never have
And I will haunt you with that
My presence will be the salt in your wounds
That you carved in your own skin
And will never grow to scars
Cause I’ll be sure to keep them open

Beautiful Night

The world is so beautiful when it’s night
The darkness pulls me in and holds me tight
The nocturnal breeze is so clear and bright
It almost makes me feel alive
It allows me to grow fearlessly like
A blossom in the daylight
No pain or anger, dispair of fright
No rain, no failure, just air and pride
Finally, I dare to fight

For what I am so far
No longer waiting
But aiming, for that shooting star
Restrain from hating
There’s a lesson behind each scar
With every second I learn
With every breath I grow
I’m at a point of no return
Forward is the only way to go
Strength and faith
Is all I want and know

Chances to take
And choices to make
That’s all I see
The only thing on my mind
Is to be and stay free
And leave the hurt behind
To restrictions I’m blind
Only open to possibilities
Value all my abilities

And let no one come between myself and I
Train myself to fly
Beyond the sky
Out of sight for the unfit eye
No longer ashamed to cry
Because I aim high
And know these tears will dry
As long as I don’t give up to try