Save up

I still blame you for putting us through this, I still blame you for letting me stand alone, while promising me that as long as I believe we will, we can. I still blame you for walking away and extending this torture, instead of expanding our future, for pretending there’s no other way. I blame you for making me feel like there’s truly no way out, to the point that I become as hopeless as I am love deprived in this loneliness of heartache far from your calm safety of resurrection and revival.

I honestly don’t care anymore, what is realistic or not, if this love is real it should be able to provide us with the power to overcome and persevere. Not only in separation, but in ways to end it also. Not only to get through this together, but to remain in togetherness also.
It might now even be all on you, I know it’s not, but in the powerlessness of this struggle, the urge to blame someone other than myself is maybe the only thing that can still keep me hopeful. As contradictory as that sounds, as it is.

Sometimes not having a choice is also a choice. I principally don’t believe in the concept of regret, because it’s useless by default. Regret is not the same as learning from mistakes and moving on for the better, regret is dwelling in past mistakes and not providing the means to change course. I do, however in all my contradictory ways, regret many of the choices we said we had no choice but to make. I still blame you, but now I blame myself too.



Keep myself on a level
To where no man can travel
No one would be able
To handle what I have
No matter how calm or stable
They’ll only get through half
The other part stays on lock
Cause I don’t need to get stuck
In some other person’s life again
Got myself to live with
And that’s already more than
I can handle or care for
Don’t feel the need to share more
Cause it doesn’t bring me nothing new or good
Knowing better is what I always do or should
And if somehow I fall
In love or in darkness
I’ll get up with no help at all
Because I’d rather be heartless
Just to make sure I get scarred less