People please..
Stop it with the 2018 magical unicorn rainbow ride
“New year, new me, new life, new goals, new chances, new opportunities, new energy, new ambitions, resolutions, motivation” [new phone, who this?]
Stop it with the “leaving [insert negative notion of reality] in 2017”
Like you haven’t been saying that for every year to come
For what or who?
Some kind of mental warp
We’ve all been conditioned to take a liking to
But it’s not the beginning or ending
Of anything
Nothing has changed
You’re still the same you
The sky still appears to us as blue
The sun still rises in the east
(that is, in the northern hemisphere at least)
Life is still what you make it
Beauty is still in the eye of the beholder
(Self) Love & kindness are still important
Blessings are still on their way
Prayers are still being heard
Nothing has changed
Except for the numeral counting on a human construction
[date] If only we could swipe that left, right?
change
Save up
I still blame you for putting us through this, I still blame you for letting me stand alone, while promising me that as long as I believe we will, we can. I still blame you for walking away and extending this torture, instead of expanding our future, for pretending there’s no other way. I blame you for making me feel like there’s truly no way out, to the point that I become as hopeless as I am love deprived in this loneliness of heartache far from your calm safety of resurrection and revival.
I honestly don’t care anymore, what is realistic or not, if this love is real it should be able to provide us with the power to overcome and persevere. Not only in separation, but in ways to end it also. Not only to get through this together, but to remain in togetherness also.
It might now even be all on you, I know it’s not, but in the powerlessness of this struggle, the urge to blame someone other than myself is maybe the only thing that can still keep me hopeful. As contradictory as that sounds, as it is.
Sometimes not having a choice is also a choice. I principally don’t believe in the concept of regret, because it’s useless by default. Regret is not the same as learning from mistakes and moving on for the better, regret is dwelling in past mistakes and not providing the means to change course. I do, however in all my contradictory ways, regret many of the choices we said we had no choice but to make. I still blame you, but now I blame myself too.
Now I will
My heart is too widely open
I could be crouched down with a blade pressed to my skin
But if someone would then and there need me, I’d forget all the hate and hurt, just for them, temporarily
To have it waiting for me when I return to myself
I will still, help, love, care
Even if I can’t do any of those for myself
My heart is too widely open
But the love flows one way
Because I don’t know how to receive
I’m not blaming anyone else
It’s not self pity either
Just a reality I either have to get used to
Or find a way to change
But what makes me think, that after 15 years of trying
Now I will succeed?
Truth Beyond Mystery 