control

“My man”

~ Gita ~ Leave a comment

Somebody called you “my man” today… doesn’t seem like much special, but I caught myself in the act. I can’t believe, that after over 3 years of being in an exclusive, passionate, insane, magical and committed relationship, with healthy -and unhealthy- doses of attachment, obsession and infatuation, when someone refers to you, today, as “my man”… I still get the uncontrollable urgent tendency to say: “I don’t have a man”…

How is this even possible? When all I clearly, obviously want is to be yours & you mine. But see, that’s the thing… No I don’t know what the thing is, but there’s a thing.

I think I’ve never come to terms, or reconciliation, or agreement even, with myself that this, that you… that this with you is real.
Somehow it always stayed lingering, simmering, marinade-ing on ‘fairy tale’ level. Maybe this clarifies a little of my mechanisms surrounding you and your behavior and disappointments related to you.

I can just so easily write you out the story. At least I think I can, but evidently I really can’t. If it’s surreal, like a dream, then I am lucid enough to control what happens. Except with you, I’m never in control. Not over you, which I shouldn’t even have to want (if you would only behave), not over any situation with or regarding you either, because you’re equally if not slightly more stubborn and prideful than me.
A constant power struggle, and the mindful positivists tell the people of worries (like I am) that if controlling the situation is impossible… it’s OKAY, because at the very least you can control yourself and how you deal or react. NOPE!! not me, not this one, I can’t. Not with you, ohh irony, “my man”.
Maybe that’s exactly what really does make you “my man” and this struggle won’t end until I realize and more importantly, embrace you as you are,
MY MAN.

but what if you
put me to shame?
what if you make
me look like a
fool? what if you
betray & play &
I’ll never know
… control …
… anxiety …
who ever has any reason to trust anyone?

.Powerless.

~ Gita ~ Leave a comment

Empty words
And meaningless promises
You don’t know how it hurts
To believe and be powerless

I don’t even know why I care about you
You haven’t really done anything to earn my trust
It’s just the way you are and how you do
That makes me want to be with you like I must
You just came out of nowhere and made me believe
That the feeling was real enough to send and receive

And you claim to care.. but really you don’t
And you want to be there.. but really you won’t

I know you’re fighting yourself over this all
Cause you don’t want to want what you’re feeling towards me
And you can’t willingly let go the control
Cause you’re so damaged and hurt, so fearful of what might be

Don’t want me too close, but afraid to lose me also
It would hurt us both, if one of us chooses to go
You’d be offended if I’d leave
But won’t make the effort so that I’ll stay
Can you just decide please?
What it is you want from me and in what way

Oblivion.

~ Gita ~ Leave a comment

You’ve invaded my system and I don’t know who you are. You came out of nowhere and took all control effortlessly. I could never fight you because I never wanted to. Like venomous poison you infiltrated my veins and embodied my heart.

I need protection, I need to hide my inner core from you. Which is impossible for me if you don’t let me. So I’m trying to get away. It’s my only chance of saving myself. From you.

You’re too dangerous for me to be around. I’ll only lose more of myself with you. You’re too powerful in your prescense and entire being. I would dissolve into oblivion. I already am.

Echoes.

~ Gita ~ Leave a comment

I try to reach out and hold you right there
But you’re just thick water and thin air
Flowing hard and whistling softly
I recognize the melody
But it gets flushed away by your flood
Don’t want to reset the memory
Cause you’re yet part of my blood
Could you just slow down to disappear
And let me make it more clear

That this goes deeper than a feeling
This is far more certain than faith
It’s a disease that offers healing
A part of love we like to hate
Because we can’t control how it goes
There is no real sound in echoes
The only thing we got is here and now

You and me
Whatever comes next
Or after that
Is as we choose it to be

Blind

~ Gita ~ Leave a comment

Don’t take me for a challenge.. You can never win..
Because it’s not a game
When the time comes, that you realize this..
Tell me the same

Convince me it’s true
Cause I can’t seperate manipulation from you
You’re intentions never shine through
Can’t trust, can’t drop my guard
The walls cover all except my eyes
So whatever it is you’re lookin for
Whatever lays behind this disguise
That is where you’ll find
That is where you can make me blind
And if you have to take control
Do it first before the fall

.daydreams & nightmares.

~ Gita ~ Leave a comment

Eyes filled with rays of sunlight
I dream away about illusions of love
The promise of nomore violent fights
Impossible to get in reach of

Believing makes the mind grow
To immeasurable proportions
What you see, and want, and know
Can cause for internal distortion

The thing I’m searching for
Unwillingly but still sure
Does not exist
Like the care, I thought to share
Or see in your eyes before
It’s an unclear mist
That covers the senses
Like living in daydreams
When the mind comprehenses
That nothing is what it seems
But the heart has hope
And is easy to influence
No matter how thin the rope
Love lets you hang on your essence
Making you believe you can cope
Pushing you out of balance

And when you fall
You never hit ground
You never recall
Why you were up there at all
And in every thing you do
You get flushed by flashbacks
Of a past full of scratches and cracks
Yet never the less
You never surpress
Any of those nightmares
They control your ego
The reason for all your cares
Your worries so lethal

I never believed in love
Until i fell for its lies
Together with all the above
Plus some heartpain and cries
Nights when sleeping is irrelevant
Begin and end with these
Daydreams and nightmares so innocent
But they slaughter every piece
Of ignorance
And inner peace

Love is overrated..

~ Gita ~ Leave a comment

Love is overrated
It does not solve everything
It destroys more than its made of
Like breaking after entering
Burn the building to the ground
Swallow the ashes and choke on it
Learn to let go what doesn’t count
Forget the sacrifices you both offered

Memories, both good and bad
Mean less than nothing
And should be forgotten
No loss of pride in feeling sad
Our cries hide behind raindrops
And tears will dry by sunshine
Breathe on until the pain stops
And keep your heart close to your mind

Leave the past for the history books
Grow towards a future that you decide today
Don’t worry about the time and difficulty it took
Focus on your own power and walk away

Because love may come
But don’t let it change you
It should’nt control your person
Or what you go and went through

And then love may go
But remember to know
That everything happens
Exactly as it has to
There are no reasons or patterns
So start every day as new

And remind yourself to remember
That coincidence doesn’t exist
There is no more to it
Than what it really is

Don’t fear for jealousy or hatred
The worst things are often also the greatest
Don’t try to make unworthy feelings sacred
Cause truth is, love is overrated ; )