Why am I like this?

If you expect something from me, I will automatically care.
So when you tell me you were waiting all night for my message, I will feel bad for falling asleep. Even though I owe you nothing, barely know you, have all the right to sleep whenever I want or need to (especially seeing as I struggle with falling asleep). So I should be happy I dozed off so relatively easily. But, you showed you cared and that it bothered you. You articulated expectation, you were disappointed by something I did (or didn’t) that had no real direct correlation or connection to you. I will still care, feel bad, guilty, inclined to fix it or make it up to you. Did I mention I barely know you?
Why am I like this? (and seemingly only I in this whole wild world) Because I know how it feels to care and not be cared about, to grow attached a little too quickly and cultivate rapidly expanding expectations based on a needle point sized probability of reality. I have been mistreated, dismissed, disappointed, led on, kept in the dark, lied to and cheated on so much and many times. Still I will always (regrettedly to my own ego and self loving properties) believe in the best of people, hope and pray for the best in their lives, give another chance each time the former expires, let people cross lines I’ve chalked down in blood, keep giving more of myself even when I clearly receive nothing in return, pretend I’m okay with what happens while I’m dying inside. Why? Why am I like this?
I am care. The very definition of sensitivity. In both its light as also dark magic. Now I only have to learn how to apply this all to myself. And as I tred the silver silk line that is this process, I slip every other step, back into familiar default patterns. Two steps ahead, always followed by one backwards. Still moving forward, though, through constant setbacks. Crawling through layers, scratched by the cracking of surfaces I break through and rise up from, ready to fall all the way back for the slightest sign of care from anyone who’s willing to show it. Not out of desperation for attention, rather despair for the acknowledgment and existence of unconditional love. Not because of weakness, but from the urge to mean to others what I wish I could mean to myself.

Confirmation or Confrontation ?

It’s easy to look away and drown yourself in distractions.
Why not for once be courageous and face the confrontations,
regardless of their outcome

What’s the worst that could happen ?

You hurt, you learn.
You suffer, you grow.
You break, you heal.
You die, you won’t be alive to remember it anyway.

So what’s the big deal ?

Go on and dive right in, head first, your heart will follow. Your soul is immortal but your body wil decay anyway. Might as well take that chance.

It could lead to self destruct, tough luck. There’s not much you can’t recover from, all your past struggles bringing you right here are already proof of your strength.

It could also lead to a plentiful blossoming of your self, your awareness, your power of happiness. There’s so much more to gain if you’re just willing to give it a try.

Losses are part of life, standing still is part of death.

Your choice. Confirmation or confrontation ?

Beautiful Night

The world is so beautiful when it’s night
The darkness pulls me in and holds me tight
The nocturnal breeze is so clear and bright
It almost makes me feel alive
It allows me to grow fearlessly like
A blossom in the daylight
No pain or anger, dispair of fright
No rain, no failure, just air and pride
Finally, I dare to fight

For what I am so far
No longer waiting
But aiming, for that shooting star
Restrain from hating
There’s a lesson behind each scar
With every second I learn
With every breath I grow
I’m at a point of no return
Forward is the only way to go
Strength and faith
Is all I want and know

Chances to take
And choices to make
That’s all I see
The only thing on my mind
Is to be and stay free
And leave the hurt behind
To restrictions I’m blind
Only open to possibilities
Value all my abilities

And let no one come between myself and I
Train myself to fly
Beyond the sky
Out of sight for the unfit eye
No longer ashamed to cry
Because I aim high
And know these tears will dry
As long as I don’t give up to try