hurt

Confirmation or Confrontation ?

~ Gita ~ Leave a comment

It’s easy to look away and drown yourself in distractions.
Why not for once be courageous and face the confrontations,
regardless of their outcome…

What’s the worst that could happen ?

You hurt, you learn.
You suffer, you grow.
You break, you heal.
You die, you won’t be alive to remember it anyway.

So what’s the big deal ?

Go on and dive right in, head first, your heart will follow. Your soul is immortal but your body wil decay anyway. Might as well take that chance.

It could lead to self destruct, tough luck. There’s not much you can’t recover from, all your past struggles bringing you right here are already proof of your strength.

It could also lead to a plentiful blossoming of your self, your awareness, your power of happiness. There’s so much more to gain if you’re just willing to give it a try.

Losses are part of life, standing still is part of death.

Your choice. Confirmation or confrontation ?

Unconditionally Broken Hearted

~ Gita ~ Leave a comment

I loved you through all your fakeness
Your lies, your betrayal
I should’ve ended it there
Cause those were all signs
You don’t know what real is

You could never handle my darkness
My pain, my sorrow
I should’ve never believed
The promises you never kept
Because you don’t know what love is

Unconditionally broken hearted
How you left me thinking it was my fault
The hurt inflicted on me
Was never my wrong
How you manipulated every situation
To clear yourself from blame
I should’ve never been this strong
As your weakness proved
You never knew what you claimed
To love me, you only pretended
To know how, but you never knew why

Breaker of all my hearts

~ Gita ~ Leave a comment

Breaker of all my hearts
You forced me to live in confinements of hurt
You suffocated me in stress and drowned me in my own depression
You strangled me with anxiety and throttled me with insecurity
You cut my skin with neglect and abandonment
You never understood me and you never cared to try
You’ll never understand me and I’ll never know why

You pretended to love me
While you intended to kill me
By giving me all of you
Building me up with all you have
Letting me shine with light I borrowed from you
But it was never mine to have
I belong to the darkness
And you could never respect that
So you decided to break off every piece of what you gave me
Until bit by bit I crumbled back to nothingness
Hoping I would mean less to you
Expecting me to choke in my own worthlessness

Now here we are, it’s all over, there’s nothing left
How does it feel? Are you satisfied? Can we be done now? Done with the hurt and the anger, the unforgiving misunderstanding, the unwillingness, the pride and ego…you broke me to build yourself, because you were afraid I’d break you like I broke myself. Because you think I’m stronger than you. That’s why you don’t love me, truly. You fear me.

Wild Flowers

~ Gita ~ Leave a comment

Am I not to breathe your beauty ?
Blessed by the summer breeze
Your warm sigh whispers upon me

Is it sustenance or punishment ?
To baptize myself ignorant
In devotion dipped in patience

Like wild flowers bloom from freedom
The captivity that caught me on
Is undoing my becoming

I won’t falter but I will fall
Hurt, break & suffer
Most of all

I won’t recognize myself
Failure shames all that is left
As I lose what I thought to have

Long Distance Relationship.

~ Gita ~ 2 Comments

I don’t believe in long distance relationships.
I don’t want a long distance relationship.
I don’t do long distance relationships.
I’ve said this many times and I stand by it, fiercely.
Yet, I am in a long distance relationship, still.
Let me put that a little clearer for you:
Yet, I FUCKING am still in a FUCKING long FUCKING distance FUCKING relation- FUCKING ship !!!!!
Yes, that’s how it feels, exactly how it feels. I’m not going to sugar coat it and act like it has more benefits than it has, act like it has more advantages than disadvantages, act like it brings you “closer” and builds you “stronger”. Although all those might be somewhat true, it also just FUCKING hurts.
To never be able to be with or hold your loved one. Bury your face in their safety, touch or kiss your loved one. To deal with a time difference, varying from 5-6 hours, because daylight savings time is still a FUCKING useless thing over here. To be waking up while they go to sleep. To wait until time is favorable for them to be communicative. To feel fully loved and completely empty at the same time. To be so in love yet so alone, with love, without your love.
To be unable to express your love because texting and skyping is JUST NOT REAL, it’s just not enough. It’s like saying you’re a vegetarian but you still eat chicken and fish. It’s like saying you quit smoking, but you still smoke on the weekends. It’s like saying you’re sexually active while actually you just masturbate. It’s like crying without tears, sleeping without dreams, screaming without sound, running without movement, seeing without shapes or colors, like breathing without air.
You are constantly and continuously shut out of your love’s life. You are always left aside, never involved, never get to participate, never get to share…their feelings, events, moments, memories. Everything is happening without you. The life of your love is being lived without you. They’re living without you, they’re doing fine without you. It’s like being broken up, and they’re moving on, but at the same time you’re also still in a relationship, somehow. You’re still supposed to hope for and believe in a future that doesn’t seem to exist or ever become real.
You are not a part of their life. Only in their phone, tablet, laptop. You live in their phone, tablet, laptop. The moment that technology fails, you’re cut off cold turkey and completely powerless.
At the same time, you’re own life, all your feelings, events, moments, memories…are equally unshareable. The loneliness of it all is unbearable.
I honestly don’t know anymore what’s worse to me, being in a relationship where your partner physically & emotionally abuses you, or being in a relationship where your partner isn’t even around, ever.
Having been in both, I can say sincerely, I cannot distinguish which scenario could be better. At least in the first case, everyone agrees with you that it’s unhealthy, undesirable and calls for some life-changing decisions to be made. As for the latter, people just think it’s romantic…long distance ‘ohh, what a love story, that one’s for the books!’. Ugh.
Nobody understands SHIT.
All living their average generic moderately content lives. People in relationships are the worst, you envy and secretly HATE everyone who gets to be with their love. Envy because you wish you could, hate because they take it all so for granted.
I WISH I could be average generic moderately content. Right now, that’s my highest ambition in terms of personal happiness. I don’t dare to ask for more, I don’t need to ask for more. I don’t want for more, than to just be with the one I love. Who loves me equally, if not more.
But the universe…
THE FUCKING ASSHOLE UNIVERSE!!!!
Has a reason for all this…sure.
You just tell yourself that.
Whatever makes you sleep at night.
Which you don’t, because you have chronic insomnia.
So whatever makes you sleep when you have the average generic moderately content LUCK to get some sleep. Take it. With both hands.
That also counts for your love. When it comes by, take it & make it work. Whether it’s here and now, or then and there.
As long as it’s worth it… and with tears in my eyes, scars on my soul and holes in my heart, I can still say:
True love is always worth it. ❤

.Love/Hate.

~ Gita ~ Leave a comment

The most common mistake people tend to make, is assuming that the opposite of love is hate. That you either love or hate someone, while actually, both notions exist simultaneously, in the same space, at the same time.

When you don’t have love in your life, you don’t necessarily have hate instead. What you do have, when you don’t have love…is silence, solitude and fear.
Fear of being left out, fear of living or dying alone, fear of not being remembered or seen or heard. No one to talk to, nobody to rely on, no sheltering arms around you, no shoulder to cry on, no special person to share all that you value. Silence in your soul and emptiness in your heart.

From this silence, solitude and fear…this lack of love, we actually have a choice we can make. We choose..
    either hate; including hurt, anger and sadness, following each other up like chackles in a chain, on a downward spiral of negativity, of hating everything and everyone, especially ourselves..
    or love; opening doors to hope, faith and happiness, equally following each other up like steps to a stairs, up to whatever we aspire to reach or become, believing in the good of life and being receptive for all the positivity of luck..

Two seperate paths with many intersections..
Love or Hate. It’s upto you.

.This Time.

~ Gita ~ Leave a comment

This time will be different. This time I’m going as a prisoner of a heart I nolonger own, but still claim to have. This time I go as a disbeliever of the love I never received, perhaps not deserved, but always felt.

This time I’m lost, drained and drowning.
This time I’m broken, empty and scarred.
This time I’m hurt and betrayed, abandoned and left to die.
Left without goodbye.

This time I’m not turning back, nor want I to be turned back for. This time I won’t care, nor want I to be cared for. This time it’s over. And all times to come, I will refuse, to go over it again.

Only Hope.

~ Gita ~ Leave a comment

So many losses
Remembering the hurt
I don’t know how to recognize myself
Memories covered up in dirt
I have no feeling left
It all fell apart
My soul is drowning in this deep liquid
Bleeding out my heart
I peel of my skin like a furr coat
There is more emptiness underneath
Every layer is all the same
It never comes together in any sense

No reason, no purpose
No goal and no mercy
Unresponsive to relativity
Intolerant to patience
Rebellious towards gravity
Ignorant yet persuasive

It’s like a never ending story
But in lack of beginning
Now that I’m in it
I can not get out
It revolves around me
Like a bubble of soap
Incomprehensive water
Collecting and kept in captivity
Disobediant but servile
Destructing freedom for felicity
There is no safety
Only hope.

Hurt.

~ Gita ~ Leave a comment

You rather hurt me, for loving you..
Than hurt yourself, by loving me..
I understand that though, but it still hurts..

Because you think that I will hurt you, if you let me come closer..
But now you hurt me, by shutting me out so cold..
Wish there was a way, so that neither of us would get hurt..

Please tell me there is…

.the darkside of the sun.

~ Gita ~ Leave a comment

what do you know about
the dark side of the sun
hidden beneath a heat of clouds
I promise you that no one
has ever been there or seen that
too hard, too hot, too far, too bad
you wouldn’t even think to care to know
because you will never be able to go
don’t think you should or would even want
but I know you’re challenged by
the fact that it has never been done
but the further you try to fly
the deeper you allow yourself to fall
no reasons for how or why
cause don’t we all
just love the thought of danger
the risk of meeting a stranger
but of course to never trust
cause we’re just addicted to the rush
and all that could happen
what should not but probably will
how much we let in
and enjoy the pieces of ourselves to spill
to never recollect
never care what’s next
and never come back to it
never let show
our purest or truest
it’s a waste, a shame
worth for nothing to know
but still we are the same
and you do it just like me
innocent covers to blow
will it ever change?
unlikely
cause those sad games
give breathing flavor
and only to win time
we do each other a favor
pretending to seek
never caring to find
until that darkside meets
and we roll back into our minds
then it’s history within a week
those memories never to repeat
happy we will never become
not like this
but why care over the outcome
when the real bliss
of these rays of sun
always overshine the dark side
why care what’s on the inside
if we keep it on the surface
nothing can ever hurt us