I loved you through all your fakeness
Your lies, your betrayal
I should’ve ended it there
Cause those were all signs
You don’t know what real is
You could never handle my darkness
My pain, my sorrow
I should’ve never believed
The promises you never kept
Because you don’t know what love is
Unconditionally broken hearted
How you left me thinking it was my fault
The hurt inflicted on me
Was never my wrong
How you manipulated every situation
To clear yourself from blame
I should’ve never been this strong
As your weakness proved
You never knew what you claimed
To love me, you only pretended
To know how, but you never knew why
love
Anew
By the time the flowers
You send to me endearingly
Had withered to hang their heads
Our love had unbloomed
A sudden unpeaceful death
It came crawling through the night
Filling my sleep with terror
To manifest in my awakening
Coming through me like
Tsunami waves caving in
I pray for a surge
To raise me from the water
Seek within myself the power
So I don’t drown my love
Before saving ours
If hope ever let’s me breathe again
It will only mean to be
That I have overcome
Pride and ego through forgiving
Anew will colors blossom
Breaker of all my hearts
Breaker of all my hearts
You forced me to live in confinements of hurt
You suffocated me in stress and drowned me in my own depression
You strangled me with anxiety and throttled me with insecurity
You cut my skin with neglect and abandonment
You never understood me and you never cared to try
You’ll never understand me and I’ll never know why
You pretended to love me
While you intended to kill me
By giving me all of you
Building me up with all you have
Letting me shine with light I borrowed from you
But it was never mine to have
I belong to the darkness
And you could never respect that
So you decided to break off every piece of what you gave me
Until bit by bit I crumbled back to nothingness
Hoping I would mean less to you
Expecting me to choke in my own worthlessness
Now here we are, it’s all over, there’s nothing left
How does it feel? Are you satisfied? Can we be done now? Done with the hurt and the anger, the unforgiving misunderstanding, the unwillingness, the pride and ego…you broke me to build yourself, because you were afraid I’d break you like I broke myself. Because you think I’m stronger than you. That’s why you don’t love me, truly. You fear me.
Come.
I miss you profoundly
Endless supply of electrified embraces
Infinite flow of sensational kisses
Warm sweetness soothing my skin
My lips & my taste buds
My hearing, my vision
My unquenchable thirst to feel you within
It’s been too long
I’m astounded in hindsight
To how we could let distance
Come in between once more
I crave you unbearably
Thoughts of how long still to wait
Memories of graphic passionate love we made
Exceeding the laws of attraction
Surpassing the surplus
Delicately savoring
Transcending satisfaction
With ease defying any concepts of perfection
This shall when we
Liberate from separation
Adorn the beauty of this romance
Come together will we only more
Fountain of Love
I seek a fountain.
A fountain of love.
I want to shower in a fountain of love, I want to drink the waters from a fountain of love, I want to be watered by love as from a fountain…
Not just a single drop of rain that by the grace of God happens to land on my desert of lovelacking desperation…
That would not suffice.
That would not satisfy.
I require an ever feeding, ever cleansing, ever growing, ever continuously flowing power of love.
My heart would not survive without.
Long Distance Relationship.
I don’t believe in long distance relationships.
I don’t want a long distance relationship.
I don’t do long distance relationships.
I’ve said this many times and I stand by it, fiercely.
Yet, I am in a long distance relationship, still.
Let me put that a little clearer for you:
Yet, I FUCKING am still in a FUCKING long FUCKING distance FUCKING relation- FUCKING ship !!!!!
Yes, that’s how it feels, exactly how it feels. I’m not going to sugar coat it and act like it has more benefits than it has, act like it has more advantages than disadvantages, act like it brings you “closer” and builds you “stronger”. Although all those might be somewhat true, it also just FUCKING hurts.
To never be able to be with or hold your loved one. Bury your face in their safety, touch or kiss your loved one. To deal with a time difference, varying from 5-6 hours, because daylight savings time is still a FUCKING useless thing over here. To be waking up while they go to sleep. To wait until time is favorable for them to be communicative. To feel fully loved and completely empty at the same time. To be so in love yet so alone, with love, without your love.
To be unable to express your love because texting and skyping is JUST NOT REAL, it’s just not enough. It’s like saying you’re a vegetarian but you still eat chicken and fish. It’s like saying you quit smoking, but you still smoke on the weekends. It’s like saying you’re sexually active while actually you just masturbate. It’s like crying without tears, sleeping without dreams, screaming without sound, running without movement, seeing without shapes or colors, like breathing without air.
You are constantly and continuously shut out of your love’s life. You are always left aside, never involved, never get to participate, never get to share…their feelings, events, moments, memories. Everything is happening without you. The life of your love is being lived without you. They’re living without you, they’re doing fine without you. It’s like being broken up, and they’re moving on, but at the same time you’re also still in a relationship, somehow. You’re still supposed to hope for and believe in a future that doesn’t seem to exist or ever become real.
You are not a part of their life. Only in their phone, tablet, laptop. You live in their phone, tablet, laptop. The moment that technology fails, you’re cut off cold turkey and completely powerless.
At the same time, you’re own life, all your feelings, events, moments, memories…are equally unshareable. The loneliness of it all is unbearable.
I honestly don’t know anymore what’s worse to me, being in a relationship where your partner physically & emotionally abuses you, or being in a relationship where your partner isn’t even around, ever.
Having been in both, I can say sincerely, I cannot distinguish which scenario could be better. At least in the first case, everyone agrees with you that it’s unhealthy, undesirable and calls for some life-changing decisions to be made. As for the latter, people just think it’s romantic…long distance ‘ohh, what a love story, that one’s for the books!’. Ugh.
Nobody understands SHIT.
All living their average generic moderately content lives. People in relationships are the worst, you envy and secretly HATE everyone who gets to be with their love. Envy because you wish you could, hate because they take it all so for granted.
I WISH I could be average generic moderately content. Right now, that’s my highest ambition in terms of personal happiness. I don’t dare to ask for more, I don’t need to ask for more. I don’t want for more, than to just be with the one I love. Who loves me equally, if not more.
But the universe…
THE FUCKING ASSHOLE UNIVERSE!!!!
Has a reason for all this…sure.
You just tell yourself that.
Whatever makes you sleep at night.
Which you don’t, because you have chronic insomnia.
So whatever makes you sleep when you have the average generic moderately content LUCK to get some sleep. Take it. With both hands.
That also counts for your love. When it comes by, take it & make it work. Whether it’s here and now, or then and there.
As long as it’s worth it… and with tears in my eyes, scars on my soul and holes in my heart, I can still say:
True love is always worth it. ❤
Fire.
In the tired tears of solitude and abandonment, I find the grounds that will take me further. They will move underneath my feet, they will carry me like I’m weightless. They will be nurtured by grains of strengthless hope, prideless faith and vainless patience.
The deeper the hole I dig in this nothingness, the larger the pile of dust I collect. All just matter to build a path from, all leading to a way out. The black hole beneath, above and around me gets sucked into oblivion by the fire inside my heart.
Infinite and pure, unmoved and self reliant. It fuels from its own ashes, it breathes its own heat. It burns water to steam, it lights air up to flames, it cracks any rock into sand. Every attempt to extinguish, it diminishes within a heartbeat.
It will be my leading light out of this darkness, it will be the furnace I prepare my food on, it will be the blanket I keep warm under, it will be my weapon against any harm.
I’ll reach the sun, going from cloud to cloud, from sitting by the moon, staring in amazement, blessed by its magical shine and warmth. I will return this fire to its nature and origin, and become a moon myself.
Forever surrounded by and surrounding myself with, the light, love and life that is within this eternal fire. Always in awe of what I once held in my heart to then enjoy from a safe and respectful length of peace.
Pure
Sand in my face, salt in my hair
I left my worries right there
Buried them on the shore
For the oceans to take anywhere
It has no use anymore
To hold on to them or stare
At them endlessly like before
I have so much more
To give and learn and share
Of what I want and need, I’m sure
All I have to do now, is dare
Forget not to breathe, restore
See clearly why and how, I care
And love to the fullest from the core
Because I deserve what and where
I’m going and belong to live for
Nomatter if it’s wrong, right or fair
As long as my intentions are pure
Prophecy
Emphasize what’s meaningless
Regret everything that’s not
Amplify all reason less
There is more that we don’t got
Deny every form of structure
Embrace chaos with all due devotion
Cherish what comes in the future
Time has only one direction for motion
Forgive the ignorant
For they don’t know why you should
Release all sensation
Perception is more idealistic than good
Promise what you forgot
Someone might come back for it
Respond to lust with pride,
to love with innocence
Have faith and believe
Trust hatred to leave
Such as every other emotion
No one controls any of them
We lock them away to be safe
Like an enraged lion in a cage
It has no use to us
To doubt everything we lose
Our voices don’t echo when they scream
Our breath never lasts longer than a minute
To await signals like a prophecy
Is like expecting the moon to come closer
It’s only fading further
Pulling loose for freedom
27
Some things I have to admit…
I love that you are 27. Although there are so many people of that age, I love the exact fact and the only way you are 27, as I already love how you will be 28 in a few months.
You have your very own special way in every thing.. Breathing, thinking, moving, talking.. In all essence so pure and beautiful, so effortless and gracious.
I love how I met you, how our story developed. Like a blossom opening in shyness, but reflecting nature’s power in all its brightness.
The water from rain feeding its growth, the light from the sun securing its strength. That is how our love reflects the entire universe in us together.
I feel blessed in full awareness and am thankful in solid gratitude, for you and all you bring to my life.
Every piece of calmth and wisdom, strength and shelter, warmth and safety. Our complementing harmony ..supplementing in synergy ..self evident as synchronicity.
Above all, most importantly and sincere.. Care, Love, Trust ..braided together by communication without fear.
I adore your effect on me, I admire your entire being. You are what I envision paradise to be, the reality to all I’ve been dreaming.
So fascinating, how you captivate me. So gravitating, how you elevate me. Without any doubt, the surest thing to hold on to, the realest one to count on.
When all else fails, I know I will always have faith in us, and when all else falls apart, I know I will always have our love.
Truth Beyond Mystery 