You’re a hit and run
No mercy
No taking back
The bullet
That infested my heart
With your love
I have no choice but to follow
As you disappear at the horizon of my dreams
my heart
No Returns.
I will never not love you
It’s been running through my mind
For days and months and years now
I guess I have to begin to accept
That you’re just part of my soul
Running alongside my blood
Together with every heartbeat
Through my tiniest capillaries
Pulsing subtle and softly
In the background
Never too present
But absolutely always there
Fed by each ounce of oxygen
I manage to breathe
While I might not be aware
Each time I give it a glance
I catch myself looking away
Startled by my own thoughts
Of hoping for another chance
This no longer makes sense
So much time has passed
So many reasons convincingly
Brought us only further from each other
Yet safely buried underneath
My deepest layers of emotions
You are still the truest love I’ve ever felt
As I realize in cautious observation
How I always pick the roughest path
Only grow the hardest way
I will still calmly walk along
This one way street
Leading always to
But never from you
All my heart slowly learns
Love doesn’t do returns
Through giving or gain
Pieces will always remain
Love is a gamble. Always.
I feel like a tirelessly exhausted gambling addict.
Every time I lose, the stakes get raised and I always go all in. I don’t ease into it, I don’t wait or ponder whether I have the right cards. I don’t seem to worry about the outcome, I apparently have nothing to lose. Every time again, I believe this time my luck will have turned to face me in my favor. Every time I have my hopes set on the power of faith to work its magic for me just once more. Every time I get burned, broken and beat down. I cry, self destruct, mourn my failure, grief my own downfall. Then I gather my loose pieces and my losses together and reach deep into the infinite bottomless pocket of love cash that is my heart. Only to play again, only one more time. Always.
Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I know that the house always wins and we’re all being scammed for the mere disillusionment that we could have it all and gain even more if we just play it right, if we just get in touch with that one stroke of luck. Maybe one day I’ll learn to walk away as soon as my winning streak is over. But instead I still sit here, betting more of myself than I actually have to give, just riding along on the hope, the wish, the dream, the faith that soon my luck will return. Or love.
Fountain of Love
I seek a fountain.
A fountain of love.
I want to shower in a fountain of love, I want to drink the waters from a fountain of love, I want to be watered by love as from a fountain…
Not just a single drop of rain that by the grace of God happens to land on my desert of lovelacking desperation…
That would not suffice.
That would not satisfy.
I require an ever feeding, ever cleansing, ever growing, ever continuously flowing power of love.
My heart would not survive without.
Truth Beyond Mystery 