What scares me most?
Loneliness. Because I live it.
What I want most?
Solitude. The only way I can be myself.
See my dilemma here?
What I crave and hate most deeply at the same time:
Being alone. With my only enemy, my only companion, me…
prose
Rainy day & Falling star
I think that’s what I’ve done with you when I met you. You are both a rainy day and a falling star. You are a miracle and magical. You’re melancholia and nostalgia. To me, you’re the entire spectrum and realm of all things good and bad combined. I think you are what life is trying to teach me. My lesson, my reason, my ending…
Love is a gamble. Always.
I feel like a tirelessly exhausted gambling addict.
Every time I lose, the stakes get raised and I always go all in. I don’t ease into it, I don’t wait or ponder whether I have the right cards. I don’t seem to worry about the outcome, I apparently have nothing to lose. Every time again, I believe this time my luck will have turned to face me in my favor. Every time I have my hopes set on the power of faith to work its magic for me just once more. Every time I get burned, broken and beat down. I cry, self destruct, mourn my failure, grief my own downfall. Then I gather my loose pieces and my losses together and reach deep into the infinite bottomless pocket of love cash that is my heart. Only to play again, only one more time. Always.
Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I know that the house always wins and we’re all being scammed for the mere disillusionment that we could have it all and gain even more if we just play it right, if we just get in touch with that one stroke of luck. Maybe one day I’ll learn to walk away as soon as my winning streak is over. But instead I still sit here, betting more of myself than I actually have to give, just riding along on the hope, the wish, the dream, the faith that soon my luck will return. Or love.
Fountain of Love
I seek a fountain.
A fountain of love.
I want to shower in a fountain of love, I want to drink the waters from a fountain of love, I want to be watered by love as from a fountain…
Not just a single drop of rain that by the grace of God happens to land on my desert of lovelacking desperation…
That would not suffice.
That would not satisfy.
I require an ever feeding, ever cleansing, ever growing, ever continuously flowing power of love.
My heart would not survive without.
Fire.
In the tired tears of solitude and abandonment, I find the grounds that will take me further. They will move underneath my feet, they will carry me like I’m weightless. They will be nurtured by grains of strengthless hope, prideless faith and vainless patience.
The deeper the hole I dig in this nothingness, the larger the pile of dust I collect. All just matter to build a path from, all leading to a way out. The black hole beneath, above and around me gets sucked into oblivion by the fire inside my heart.
Infinite and pure, unmoved and self reliant. It fuels from its own ashes, it breathes its own heat. It burns water to steam, it lights air up to flames, it cracks any rock into sand. Every attempt to extinguish, it diminishes within a heartbeat.
It will be my leading light out of this darkness, it will be the furnace I prepare my food on, it will be the blanket I keep warm under, it will be my weapon against any harm.
I’ll reach the sun, going from cloud to cloud, from sitting by the moon, staring in amazement, blessed by its magical shine and warmth. I will return this fire to its nature and origin, and become a moon myself.
Forever surrounded by and surrounding myself with, the light, love and life that is within this eternal fire. Always in awe of what I once held in my heart to then enjoy from a safe and respectful length of peace.
27
Some things I have to admit…
I love that you are 27. Although there are so many people of that age, I love the exact fact and the only way you are 27, as I already love how you will be 28 in a few months.
You have your very own special way in every thing.. Breathing, thinking, moving, talking.. In all essence so pure and beautiful, so effortless and gracious.
I love how I met you, how our story developed. Like a blossom opening in shyness, but reflecting nature’s power in all its brightness.
The water from rain feeding its growth, the light from the sun securing its strength. That is how our love reflects the entire universe in us together.
I feel blessed in full awareness and am thankful in solid gratitude, for you and all you bring to my life.
Every piece of calmth and wisdom, strength and shelter, warmth and safety. Our complementing harmony ..supplementing in synergy ..self evident as synchronicity.
Above all, most importantly and sincere.. Care, Love, Trust ..braided together by communication without fear.
I adore your effect on me, I admire your entire being. You are what I envision paradise to be, the reality to all I’ve been dreaming.
So fascinating, how you captivate me. So gravitating, how you elevate me. Without any doubt, the surest thing to hold on to, the realest one to count on.
When all else fails, I know I will always have faith in us, and when all else falls apart, I know I will always have our love.
Synergy
I wish I knew how to synthesize my heart with my mind. Tie them up together like a double helix. Let them fill in for each other’s lacks, compensate each other’s flaws. Have them in a loving relationship flowing full with mutual respect and high level communication.
Create a great enough synergy, to never again have doubt or worry, fear or jealousy.
You can’t have everything you want, without risking everything you have. One option rules out the other, it’s either this or that, choices are made with every breath to take.
But how to know whether what’s worth the trouble. How to know it won’t all be in vain. How to recollect your losses. How to gain from what you already feel and know.
Too bad I’m not a puzzle, that fits together in the end.
Too bad life is not a challenge.
No chance of ever winning it, only losing it is certain.
Infinity∞
I often wake up in a dream, wishing to be thunder, scary but never destructive.. or carelessly falling like rain, in solid free will..
there were no hearts found in any of my lives, any of all parallel universes, any of every alternate reality..
at least in one of them I am more, or happy, or evil, or useful, or reasonless..
who cares if you don’t have what you want here and now ? or then, there and never..
an infinity of worlds provides infinite possibilities, not each but every of your desires filled in one of them.. in total, this life doesn’t matter..
an infinity of lives is being lived by a countless amount of me…
but if infinity is infinite, there will also be infinite impossibilities, an infinity of disappointment and hurt.. dishonesty, treason and failure.. all stretched into the endlessness of time and space
..would anyone want to live through that ?
I’d rather just have this life.. I will always be everything and nothing in the greater scheme of it all ..this is just one frame .∞.
A Letter to Purpose.
Hello Purpose, remember me ?
I first met you over a dozen years ago, an insignificant while before my childhood froze into wintertime. As that ice sculpture still remains, other seasons thoroughly overwhelmed and interrogated the rest of my belongings. In reflection to what I may have lost or gained during the lengthy depths of travels through these times and spaces, I could find no reason to resist a recollection, specificly of our distinct familiarity within the wide spectrum of all supposed acknowledgments.
I have no pretense to claim in presuming that you might be inclined with this same sensation, but I feel strongly dysphoric about the unforseen and somewhat reluctantly imposed seperation that fell upon our amity so unfortunately. Who is to blame, perhaps, if blame is entitled to posture in this particular affair, I will not be the one to judge.
Because our acquaintance was of fairly short duration, and therefore qualifying merely as vague and faintly unconscious, it received never a chance to be or become more deeply intensified. This to my most sincere regretfulness, as our former interactions held so much promise within their potentials. In spite of this endurance of unawareness on both ends, I know there is still a mutual understanding of how it used to be and possible a slightly more sufficient and respectful comprehension of how it could be, to begin with.
These apparant visions I gave focus on sharing with you, for us to plausibly reunite in any of the nearest by of futures, in absence of any sense of expectant coercion, are faithfully substantiated and hopefully witnessed within the care of this letter.
Hereby, I salute you, hence seeking eagerly forward to, if residing in good fortunes, an equally heartfelt response.
Forever Faithful & Patiently Awaiting,
a previous possessor of Purpose.
.This Time.
This time will be different. This time I’m going as a prisoner of a heart I nolonger own, but still claim to have. This time I go as a disbeliever of the love I never received, perhaps not deserved, but always felt.
This time I’m lost, drained and drowning.
This time I’m broken, empty and scarred.
This time I’m hurt and betrayed, abandoned and left to die.
Left without goodbye.
This time I’m not turning back, nor want I to be turned back for. This time I won’t care, nor want I to be cared for. This time it’s over. And all times to come, I will refuse, to go over it again.
