I’m missing parts of my life that I haven’t lost yet, but that slowly disappeared from my daily encounters, seeping silently, dimming to diminishment.
I still to this day don’t understand how or why, the people I felt closest to, came and went by in the fraction of a blinked eye. I don’t hold grudges or resentment, but I do hold questions that will remain forever unanswered. And as I try to let them go, I wonder why it still matters to me while it seemingly never mattered that much to them.
The saddest thing about this is that when I do still talk to these people, it seems they also don’t know why or when or how it went lost. The only difference is that they just moved on without considering the options, without caring to even try. I feel I tried my best and gave my all, considering every possible scenario to be the least judgmental and the most understanding. I feel I valued these people dearly and never wanted for us to stray, not like this.
Why it happened, doesn’t matter anymore. How it happened, does still hurt.
I just still wonder, was it necessary to happen at all? As if growth and evolution can’t happen with people that you love surrounding you. As if I was holding any of these people back.
It hurts me to think that they might have thought of me that way.
I will never know because I will never ask. Partially, because I’m afraid of the answers, partially because I know they don’t have the answers.
Maybe I should just ask, I already lost them either way, what more do I have to lose now? But maybe the definitive aspect of receiving answers, is the closure I try to avoid, because I hope not all is lost just yet.
questions
Be Thankful.
Are you supposed to be thankful for something you didn’t want or ask for? Whether it’s good or bad to you, whether it’s well intended or not.
Should you only be thankful for things that are good for you? Or only the ones that were well intended, regardless of the result? Or should you just be thankful for everything that happens and comes to you? Because everything has a reason, a cause, a goal, a purpose.
Philosophy.
I’ve always wondered why it’s a waste to waste time or talent. Almost considered a sin, actually. I believe within a few more years, we’ll be able to commercialize the scientific methods of 3D printing and use them for example to replace our natural bodies with artificial ones. Who knows how far we can expand our lives then, how we will stretch the length of our ages and reconstruct the health of our youth.
Time goes by whether you do something or not, whether you want it or not, whether you’re good at something or not. Why does the general pull always trend to lead to ‘something’ instead of the ‘not’? Do our lives really feel so empty when there’s nothing substantial there? What’s the matter of substance anyway? No matter how we evolve politically, scientifically or psychologically, those are questions cast away to the realm of religion, spirituality and philosophy.
But of all fields named here, the last one mentioned is also the last one standing when it comes to anything, and the first to ever question any of all those things. If all goes well, eventually, humanity will catch up to that.
Truth Beyond Mystery 