relationships

Soul Mates

~ Gita ~ Leave a comment

I asked him: are we soulmates, you think?

He says: of course… or maybe not, I don’t know.

Those are opposites, I said.

I think that’s the definition of who we are, he replied.

To which I asked: please explain which one it is and what you mean?

He said: I think we’re meant to be together, I don’t know if we’re soulmates. I think those are two different things. On certain levels we are, yeah.. but I don’t know if we truly are soulmates.

But so if we are not soulmates, although we are meant to be together, wouldn’t you regret not being with your actual soulmate, I asked in return.

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Stop looking.

~ Gita ~ Leave a comment

He kept showing my only each and all of the reasons why I broke up with him in the first place. Every time we’d interact, he’d whip out another classic example of his asshole self, his selfish behaviors, his grave lack of responsibility, his inability to care, try, reflect or understand, his stubborn stuck up spoiled blown up ego and pride that he continued to hide behind.

So I had to stop looking. I had to look away and stop feeding the person that I hated he’d become with my attention and frustration. I realized only now that this person he was becoming, thrived on my anxiety and my attempts to bring out the best of him gave him fuel to desperately keep holding on control over himself.
My obsessiveness, I shall admit, must’ve enabled him to retreat from willingness to arrogance.
Yet he truly was convinced he was evolving as a person. But growth and evolution are a one way direction. You can’t grow into a littler man. He was becoming less of himself by trying to be free, while he already was.

Still, his life so his choice, his prerogative. But I wasn’t willing to stand idly by and let that happen to the man I love. I tried my everything to make him see and realize what he was doing and what he was letting happen, but there is only so much one person can do for another until it crosses outside of your jurisdiction. It wasn’t up to me.

So I’m not looking anymore. I’m walking away. My hands clean. My conscience clear. My heart emptied of dead weight. My soul cleansed from all the hurt and sorrow. No more of his drama in my tomorrow.

Although I might’ve been the cause and reason of all of this. I arrived in his life, shook it up and down, put pressure and pushed him, had extensive needs and expectations. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. Whether I did this, or he. I don’t want it anymore. It’s holding me back from being myself, from my own journey, my growth, my evolution, my becoming of my self.

I will have to learn to fabricate a future for myself that doesn’t include him. Give up all my plans and dreams. Start all over, again.
Point the direction of my hope on myself again. Put my thoughts and feelings on a path surrounding myself. Pray for my own happy ending. By myself. Alone, as I’ve always been. With whomever I was.

Collisions & Pragmatism

~ Gita ~ Leave a comment

What is it that makes people collide?
What makes it that person X, falls for person Y, and not for person Z?

This isn’t about logic, mathematics or statistics for that matter.
This is about chemistry. Not the scientific kind, but the attracting/appealing kind of chemistry. The kind that brings us to passion, lust, love and all other claimed emotions.

Of course there’s the scientific explanation, to why people come to interact in a certain way with specific other people.
The Darwinistic evolutionary view, about ‘fittest reproduction partners’ and feromones and genetic variation and so on.

But that dear theory does not give us (or me!) a reasonable motivation to why so many people fall for the WRONG person.

The thought that everything has to have reasonable ground, just doesn’t do it, when it comes to interpersonal relationships. They rarely make sense at all, let alone are reasonable in any way or kind.
The neediness for this constant fallback on act-react, give-take, cost-profit, economic balance of usefulness.. is called pragmatism. The thought that everything has to be useful in some sense, or else it might not even exist..!

Luckily for love, it is and can not be bound by any laws or structures, perfectly flawed as it is. Therefore this pragmatism does not apply. Love does not serve any external goal, it doesn’t have to be useful, it does not need any reason or ground to exist. Its only goal, usefulness, reason or ground is itself, intrinsically.

But love does not always draw the lines in the social grid of human intersections. So what is it really, that makes us connect to certain people, rather than to various fit others?
Are these people experiences we have to evolve through, life lessons haunting to be learned, post-traumatic stress therapy maybe?
Whatever it is, I’m pretty sure it’s more than just DNA & genes trying to survive and multiply themselves, regardless of and through us..

Pragmatism itself is pragmatic, and not in a pleonastic sense. It can be useful, but is not necessarily the only or right way to see or do things.

My thought of the day:

The most useful (pragmatic) thing isn’t always the best or most righteous. Because the best & most righteous things in life are not useful at all. They just fill the soul with a glow.

Therefore, it’s probably right to say, there is no reason to why.. ever! Any question that starts with WHY, can be answered by the recollection that there is no answer at all..