I am where your dark side meets your real heart
In me you find your counterpart
I will be the safety where you can rest your self and soul
With me the universe on your skin will come whole
Drip no longer blood but galaxy
I see you for all that your essence is
Engage your light and dive into love with me
Luck will have us blessed for all of this
safety
Save up
I still blame you for putting us through this, I still blame you for letting me stand alone, while promising me that as long as I believe we will, we can. I still blame you for walking away and extending this torture, instead of expanding our future, for pretending there’s no other way. I blame you for making me feel like there’s truly no way out, to the point that I become as hopeless as I am love deprived in this loneliness of heartache far from your calm safety of resurrection and revival.
I honestly don’t care anymore, what is realistic or not, if this love is real it should be able to provide us with the power to overcome and persevere. Not only in separation, but in ways to end it also. Not only to get through this together, but to remain in togetherness also.
It might now even be all on you, I know it’s not, but in the powerlessness of this struggle, the urge to blame someone other than myself is maybe the only thing that can still keep me hopeful. As contradictory as that sounds, as it is.
Sometimes not having a choice is also a choice. I principally don’t believe in the concept of regret, because it’s useless by default. Regret is not the same as learning from mistakes and moving on for the better, regret is dwelling in past mistakes and not providing the means to change course. I do, however in all my contradictory ways, regret many of the choices we said we had no choice but to make. I still blame you, but now I blame myself too.
Long Distance Relationship.
I don’t believe in long distance relationships.
I don’t want a long distance relationship.
I don’t do long distance relationships.
I’ve said this many times and I stand by it, fiercely.
Yet, I am in a long distance relationship, still.
Let me put that a little clearer for you:
Yet, I FUCKING am still in a FUCKING long FUCKING distance FUCKING relation- FUCKING ship !!!!!
Yes, that’s how it feels, exactly how it feels. I’m not going to sugar coat it and act like it has more benefits than it has, act like it has more advantages than disadvantages, act like it brings you “closer” and builds you “stronger”. Although all those might be somewhat true, it also just FUCKING hurts.
To never be able to be with or hold your loved one. Bury your face in their safety, touch or kiss your loved one. To deal with a time difference, varying from 5-6 hours, because daylight savings time is still a FUCKING useless thing over here. To be waking up while they go to sleep. To wait until time is favorable for them to be communicative. To feel fully loved and completely empty at the same time. To be so in love yet so alone, with love, without your love.
To be unable to express your love because texting and skyping is JUST NOT REAL, it’s just not enough. It’s like saying you’re a vegetarian but you still eat chicken and fish. It’s like saying you quit smoking, but you still smoke on the weekends. It’s like saying you’re sexually active while actually you just masturbate. It’s like crying without tears, sleeping without dreams, screaming without sound, running without movement, seeing without shapes or colors, like breathing without air.
You are constantly and continuously shut out of your love’s life. You are always left aside, never involved, never get to participate, never get to share…their feelings, events, moments, memories. Everything is happening without you. The life of your love is being lived without you. They’re living without you, they’re doing fine without you. It’s like being broken up, and they’re moving on, but at the same time you’re also still in a relationship, somehow. You’re still supposed to hope for and believe in a future that doesn’t seem to exist or ever become real.
You are not a part of their life. Only in their phone, tablet, laptop. You live in their phone, tablet, laptop. The moment that technology fails, you’re cut off cold turkey and completely powerless.
At the same time, you’re own life, all your feelings, events, moments, memories…are equally unshareable. The loneliness of it all is unbearable.
I honestly don’t know anymore what’s worse to me, being in a relationship where your partner physically & emotionally abuses you, or being in a relationship where your partner isn’t even around, ever.
Having been in both, I can say sincerely, I cannot distinguish which scenario could be better. At least in the first case, everyone agrees with you that it’s unhealthy, undesirable and calls for some life-changing decisions to be made. As for the latter, people just think it’s romantic…long distance ‘ohh, what a love story, that one’s for the books!’. Ugh.
Nobody understands SHIT.
All living their average generic moderately content lives. People in relationships are the worst, you envy and secretly HATE everyone who gets to be with their love. Envy because you wish you could, hate because they take it all so for granted.
I WISH I could be average generic moderately content. Right now, that’s my highest ambition in terms of personal happiness. I don’t dare to ask for more, I don’t need to ask for more. I don’t want for more, than to just be with the one I love. Who loves me equally, if not more.
But the universe…
THE FUCKING ASSHOLE UNIVERSE!!!!
Has a reason for all this…sure.
You just tell yourself that.
Whatever makes you sleep at night.
Which you don’t, because you have chronic insomnia.
So whatever makes you sleep when you have the average generic moderately content LUCK to get some sleep. Take it. With both hands.
That also counts for your love. When it comes by, take it & make it work. Whether it’s here and now, or then and there.
As long as it’s worth it… and with tears in my eyes, scars on my soul and holes in my heart, I can still say:
True love is always worth it. ❤
.Love Letter.
I wrote you a love letter
I’m not sure if you should read it
This love you give to me
Leaves me so defeated
More than I ever needed
Or thought I could ever be worth
With every thought you speak in words
Every gesture, every move of you
It hurts
That I can’t touch your skin
Feel your warmness
Don’t know where to begin
Don’t understand where this is coming from
Didn’t know if it’s even what I want
But I know I do
I know I love you
And everything you put me through
Everything you show so true
You make me feel belonged to
And get me to follow blindly too
There is so much more inside of this
I haven’t seen yet
Ever in my life
But I know it’s there
In your souls depth
Your eyes clearance
Your touch’s softness
Your all over tenderness
I know no signs of emptiness
In your presence
It all makes sense
And if anyone had told me before
Like anyone I’m telling now
It wouldn’t make sense at all
Beyond imagination
Out of this nature
But still so natural
In fact unbelievable
In the most literal way
You took my breathe away
From the first moment I saw your face
Upto our last second of embrace
And still every day
With every smile you place
On my heart and cheekbones
And every time I get reminded
Of this feeling formerly so unknown
I have to share my love with you
Won’t ever let you feel alone
Or let you down again I swear
As long as we both are there
In this place we share
For ourselves and each other
I’ll love you more than this earth holds water
I haven’t even talked about the honesty yet
The safety this precious
This pride that I treasure
When I look at you and realize
How you’re so much more than anything
How you put the me in mesmerize
And how you give me even more for nothing
Always loving
Always you care
Even when I refuse
And choose
To not be fair
You still prove
That you can be stronger
Without hurting me
And that I’m made to belong there
With you so perfectly
I aim for us to grow this into
All that it can become to be
Which is more than anyone who
Has ever loved before can see
I believe in this
Almost sacredly
Because you have me
My heart my soul
You stole
All so faithfully
Promised by God alone
You gave me what he has shown
My future to be like
You by my side
Me as your wife
I can’t believe how I can
Trust this feeling and be still so open
Even though my heart has been
So brutally mutulated
To the point where it would seem
There was no chance to relive
But only this love
That you so generously give
Has all that holds it together
Easing the pain
Not just making it better
But providing the health
So that I can grow again
New seeds will flourish then
And these flowers will be ours
I am devoted to these powers
This magic you sprinkled in my eyes
Covered me so overwhelming
Yet so easy to recognize
Cause only truth feels so good
And only purity can provide security
I adore you for this
This world you gave me access to
And you take me by the hand through all steps
Knowing I have never been there yet
Cause it’s scary and big and bright and new
But it’s all okay as long as I have you
The most impossible part of all
You need me as much back
You feel everything to the detail mutual
Even more so, illogical
It’s insane, but still plausible
And that’s enough reason for me to believe
That’s all I need to give and receiv
My love to the truest
Most beautiful, I dare say
Are you with me next to it
So that’s how we’ll eagerly stay
And if all else has gone lost
At whatever cost
Then at least we’ll still have us
We’ll always have our love as cause
Only Hope.
So many losses
Remembering the hurt
I don’t know how to recognize myself
Memories covered up in dirt
I have no feeling left
It all fell apart
My soul is drowning in this deep liquid
Bleeding out my heart
I peel of my skin like a furr coat
There is more emptiness underneath
Every layer is all the same
It never comes together in any sense
No reason, no purpose
No goal and no mercy
Unresponsive to relativity
Intolerant to patience
Rebellious towards gravity
Ignorant yet persuasive
It’s like a never ending story
But in lack of beginning
Now that I’m in it
I can not get out
It revolves around me
Like a bubble of soap
Incomprehensive water
Collecting and kept in captivity
Disobediant but servile
Destructing freedom for felicity
There is no safety
Only hope.
Salt
It burns in my chest
I don’t know how to cry anymore
Or how to feel what I felt last
I’ve lost love before
But I never feared I’d miss violence
Cause that’s what you imply
You have a side so evil
And I’m not exactly in my right mind
Together we’re more than lethal
But it’s the only real thing
That I’ve ever known
I can’t express in words
How this hurt feels
How I hate that I could not defend
Myself again
Against your angry hands
Not because I don’t love myself
But because you are stronger always
I wish I could have done something
To not let my weakness win
But fighting you is a sign
Of being suicidal
And I want to live now more than ever
Because you took my freedom
And my safety and my trust and all I had
You tore it apart
Because in your thoughts
I don’t deserve to have anything
On purpose you cursed me
With what you call love and so on
You wouldn’t leave or let me run
Forcing me to swallow your hatred
And take from me what’s sacred
My innocense and pride
Glad to say I’m still alive
You couldn’t take from me
What you want and miss now so bad
>My love, my heart you’ll never have
And I will haunt you with that
My presence will be the salt in your wounds
That you carved in your own skin
And will never grow to scars
Cause I’ll be sure to keep them open
Truth Beyond Mystery 