shame

How to be depressed

~ Gita ~ Leave a comment

For all people not knowing what happens or goes on in the mind and life of a depressed person: here’s the 101..

First things first. You start off by sleeping at 6 in the morning until 4 in the afternoon. Get up raising your eyebrows in a welcoming gesture to the dark clouds that surround you and the suffocating fog that occupies your mind. Don’t get out to get fresh air. If you must, limit yourself only to go buy alcohol and cigarettes*, and occasionally a loaf of bread and some cheese which you’ll then live from the rest of the week. Oh and noodles, also do the job. Spasm out every once in a while to spend excessive portions of money on healthy and exclusive foods to then cook yourself a luscious and elaborate dinner, which you will stuff yourself so full with, so that the rest of the week you will punish yourself for feeling fat by eating just grilled cheese sandwiches again.

Lash out at everyone you love, to then cry yourself asleep, realizing how you’re all alone in the world and have nothing to live for, because you don’t deserve to exist.

Don’t finish anything you ever start, whether it’s a formal obligation like school or passionate ambition like writing a book. Make sure to satisfy the necessity to confirm that you’re an all time failure at all things you attempt.

*{editor’s note: wrote this 5 years ago, I don’t smoke anymore}

 

Disclamer: This is of course not an actual guide on how to be depressed. Please note that you may choose however you want to be about it. I wrote this purely from my own experiences with depression. Yes, I am that open about it. No, I don’t care what anyone thinks of it.

#MeToo

~ Gita ~ Leave a comment

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What would you do if you came to the knowledge that your partner, or someone close to you, actively participated in someone else’s sexual abuse, assault or intimidation? Would you still be able to look at them the same, love them the same, feel the same for them? Would you protect (possibly enable) them and keep them around, or take a stand for the sake of humanity and eliminate them from your life?

With so many of the victims coming forward. Encouraged. Inspired. Empowered. So many still covered in the shadows of hurt and shame. Will we not forget to look for the attackers, the assaulters, the predators. Don’t kid yourself. They are all around us. They are your brothers and fathers and uncles and sons. Let’s not pretend it isn’t women too, so look at your sisters, mothers, aunts and daughters. Your cousins, neighbors, friends and partners. In all reality, the high percentage of victims indicates a high percentage of perpetrators. So be sure to take a good look around you, even your most inner circle, and don’t forget yourself…

…and, ask yourself. When you know, will you be idle? Could you forgive yourself, like you’d forgive them, passively?

“My man”

~ Gita ~ Leave a comment

Somebody called you “my man” today… doesn’t seem like much special, but I caught myself in the act. I can’t believe, that after over 3 years of being in an exclusive, passionate, insane, magical and committed relationship, with healthy -and unhealthy- doses of attachment, obsession and infatuation, when someone refers to you, today, as “my man”… I still get the uncontrollable urgent tendency to say: “I don’t have a man”…

How is this even possible? When all I clearly, obviously want is to be yours & you mine. But see, that’s the thing… No I don’t know what the thing is, but there’s a thing.

I think I’ve never come to terms, or reconciliation, or agreement even, with myself that this, that you… that this with you is real.
Somehow it always stayed lingering, simmering, marinade-ing on ‘fairy tale’ level. Maybe this clarifies a little of my mechanisms surrounding you and your behavior and disappointments related to you.

I can just so easily write you out the story. At least I think I can, but evidently I really can’t. If it’s surreal, like a dream, then I am lucid enough to control what happens. Except with you, I’m never in control. Not over you, which I shouldn’t even have to want (if you would only behave), not over any situation with or regarding you either, because you’re equally if not slightly more stubborn and prideful than me.
A constant power struggle, and the mindful positivists tell the people of worries (like I am) that if controlling the situation is impossible… it’s OKAY, because at the very least you can control yourself and how you deal or react. NOPE!! not me, not this one, I can’t. Not with you, ohh irony, “my man”.
Maybe that’s exactly what really does make you “my man” and this struggle won’t end until I realize and more importantly, embrace you as you are,
MY MAN.

but what if you
put me to shame?
what if you make
me look like a
fool? what if you
betray & play &
I’ll never know
… control …
… anxiety …
who ever has any reason to trust anyone?