I will sleep when I need to
Leave me alone
With your structure and standards
With your routines and rules
System this, regulation that
I will live as my
Body, mind and spirit
Feel adequate so
I live to heal and grow
Feed my soul
Nothing of this world constructed
By mankind other than kindness
Love and maybe art
Are in which I’d want to take part
Or enclose in my heart
Leave me out of your
Over socialized society
With only lonely people
Attached to detachment
Plus vice versa
Pretending, lying, masks on, dying
Always crying
Never showing
Always trying
Never knowing
The only life I’m in
Is of learning and growing
Not surviving ongoing
For flying and soaring
Leave me out of your life
Of grids and boxes
Of lines
I want shapes and colors
Unnaturally
Inexplicable
And unpredictable
Keep the organized
The crime and cruelty
The steps and plans and forms
The maps, the can’ts and won’ts
I will not ever participate to conform
Bury me wherever you need to
My being will burn either way
My scars will guide
Towards a brighter day
For anyone who agrees
I dedicated my release
Freedom is all I’ll ever be
A life of how I am free
All I’ll ever have
Want and need nothing else from me
survival
Survival is selfish.
My neighbors might think I run a bdsm dungeon, because at times I scream and cry so loud that it sounds like I’m being tortured.
Which, essentially, I am.
I have episodes of depression and anxiety attacks that are so severe. When every fiber in my body is conspiring together to hurt myself.
In the pure desperation to overpower myself, I have no sense of control.
By any means necessary, I have to protect and save myself.
From myself, by myself.. that struggle not many will understand.
I can’t rationalize myself out of it, there is no logic or reason.
There’s only survival.
Calming myself down could actually turn out to be more dangerous.
Every episode asks for its own individual approach. One time, a cigarette might suffice. The next day a walk could ease my nerves. Another moment I will collapse in the weakness of my flesh and dissolve in the saltiness of my tears.
There is no way to prepare or prevent these attacks from happening or coming at me.
There’s no way to know in advance how to deal with that particular anxiety that’s going to infect me next.
Once I’m in it, I’ll fight with all I have to reach through and make it out alive and unharmed.
By any means necessary, I won’t apologize for how. Survival is selfish.
Motion.
We are all, always, looking for things that don’t exist.
Truth, reality, love..
Idealistic illusions are those concepts in my view.
They are idealistic because we strive for them, driven solely by hope and faith for some better way of living and deeper insight in life itself.
They are illusions in the sense that they don’t actually appear in life. Abstract as they are, they can only be formed in the mind.
Being mere concepts therefore.
There is no reasonable ground to presume that any such thing as truth, reality or love actually exist.
The ideas we have about them, are nothing but a balanced calculation between hopes and desires on one side, fear and uncertainty on the other.
As well like views on luck and happiness, these formless unstructured notions of how the world might be and how life may or may not be organized, are simply gradual layers related to one another in a mental conceptual landscape that fits the imagination as well as it can operate in practise.
These visions of things and how things are in opposition to how they appear, are necessary for us to survive.
In a whole new scale of levelling, survival of the most well-adapted is still only a filter to create and stimulate motion.
Motion holds abruptly if there is no space to move into. Growth, development, evolution, however it gets downgraded to normative terms: All is in motion, constantly.
And in the same moment, there is also only ever here and now. This contradiction alone, is to me sufficient enough to believe there is no such thing as reasonable ground to any thing.
No matter how advanced our science or techniques may become, we as humans will always contradict ourselves in our finding, because we eternally continue seeking for more, deeper, further.
But in the end, there is no ultimate substance, no earliest beginning, no inevitable ending. The deepest, highest, most final answer or solution or explanation is the illusion so idealistic to us, that it keeps us looking, that keeps stimulating us to move forward, thus keep evolving. Therefore it is manditory for us to survive, to always continue looking for sense to be made in this world and life.
There is only motion… Even time and space only exist relatively to one another. Only now or never, only here and nothing, are sure entities. The rest will remain a mystery, but lucid enough to keep us moving towards it.
Truth Beyond Mystery 