This is not about you
But you won’t understand
Or consider even
What I might be feeling
This is about battles I fight
Have lost a million times
Have the proof in the lines
On my wrist up to my elbow
This is not about you
Or anyone else
Because I can’t call for help
Because I don’t want to
Scare or worry anyone
This is not about them
I don’t want to hurt anyone
But I need to not want
To hurt myself as well
I can’t remove that feeling
If this is not about me
Then who am I doing this for
Staying strong
Not giving in
The urge to cut my skin
If this is about life
I don’t want any of it
Never did
Never will
Nothing good for me to come
Nothing good to remember
If this is about love
Then why is it not about me
Why can’t I love myself enough
To protect myself from this
Hurt inflicted by myself
This is not about anything
I want to feel nothing
But the hurt I feel inside
Is worse than any wound
I’ve ever caused
This is not about me
Or you
Or them
This is about depression
A disease I will never defeat
Every battle I win or lose
Is just postponing
The next to come
It will always merely be a wait
Until my heart will not longer beat
Until the final breath I take
worry
Synergy
I wish I knew how to synthesize my heart with my mind. Tie them up together like a double helix. Let them fill in for each other’s lacks, compensate each other’s flaws. Have them in a loving relationship flowing full with mutual respect and high level communication.
Create a great enough synergy, to never again have doubt or worry, fear or jealousy.
You can’t have everything you want, without risking everything you have. One option rules out the other, it’s either this or that, choices are made with every breath to take.
But how to know whether what’s worth the trouble. How to know it won’t all be in vain. How to recollect your losses. How to gain from what you already feel and know.
Too bad I’m not a puzzle, that fits together in the end.
Too bad life is not a challenge.
No chance of ever winning it, only losing it is certain.
Truth Beyond Mystery 