I feel like a tirelessly exhausted gambling addict.
Every time I lose, the stakes get raised and I always go all in. I don’t ease into it, I don’t wait or ponder whether I have the right cards. I don’t seem to worry about the outcome, I apparently have nothing to lose. Every time again, I believe this time my luck will have turned to face me in my favor. Every time I have my hopes set on the power of faith to work its magic for me just once more. Every time I get burned, broken and beat down. I cry, self destruct, mourn my failure, grief my own downfall. Then I gather my loose pieces and my losses together and reach deep into the infinite bottomless pocket of love cash that is my heart. Only to play again, only one more time. Always.
Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I know that the house always wins and we’re all being scammed for the mere disillusionment that we could have it all and gain even more if we just play it right, if we just get in touch with that one stroke of luck. Maybe one day I’ll learn to walk away as soon as my winning streak is over. But instead I still sit here, betting more of myself than I actually have to give, just riding along on the hope, the wish, the dream, the faith that soon my luck will return. Or love.
The Soul
– soulful prose
Loved.
I’m a firm believer that I don’t deserve to be loved.
If ever I was loved, it would be by accident and the universe will take it away as quickly as possible.
Or destroy it slowly in an unforgiving inhumanely torturing proces, to make it fiercely known that it doesn’t belong to me.
I don’t deserve to be…
Loved.
Weakness
I don’t have time for weakness.
Every time you ask, demand, force me to be “patient”,
you’re asking me to be weak.
Every time you ask, demand, force me to give you time & space,
you’re asking me to be WEAK.
I will never sacrifice my strength for you again. If you can’t handle how I am, then you are the weakness I need to overcome.
Blue Moon
image found on pinterest
Today we experience that very rare occassion, the blue moon occurrence. Although it’s been toned down and sculpted into a very uncreative scientific deformation, it is based on an actual special appearance the moon can sometimes portray.
I read yesterday (paraphrased from I fucking love science):
A blue moon rises from the ashes of something earthly that burned away.
Like a phoenix.
Once in a blue moon, a phoenix comes along. She will die every night to be reborn the next day. From her own ashes she will rise. That what burns her down also sparks her up and awakens her from the dust below. To fly on wings of fire, leaving behind a trail of light & destruction. For everything she touches will be marked by an adorning scar, so she will never be forgotten.
In celebration of the original blue moon, let’s remember what symbolic meaning hides in its shade.
Fountain of Love
I seek a fountain.
A fountain of love.
I want to shower in a fountain of love, I want to drink the waters from a fountain of love, I want to be watered by love as from a fountain…
Not just a single drop of rain that by the grace of God happens to land on my desert of lovelacking desperation…
That would not suffice.
That would not satisfy.
I require an ever feeding, ever cleansing, ever growing, ever continuously flowing power of love.
My heart would not survive without.
Long Distance Relationship.
I don’t believe in long distance relationships.
I don’t want a long distance relationship.
I don’t do long distance relationships.
I’ve said this many times and I stand by it, fiercely.
Yet, I am in a long distance relationship, still.
Let me put that a little clearer for you:
Yet, I FUCKING am still in a FUCKING long FUCKING distance FUCKING relation- FUCKING ship !!!!!
Yes, that’s how it feels, exactly how it feels. I’m not going to sugar coat it and act like it has more benefits than it has, act like it has more advantages than disadvantages, act like it brings you “closer” and builds you “stronger”. Although all those might be somewhat true, it also just FUCKING hurts.
To never be able to be with or hold your loved one. Bury your face in their safety, touch or kiss your loved one. To deal with a time difference, varying from 5-6 hours, because daylight savings time is still a FUCKING useless thing over here. To be waking up while they go to sleep. To wait until time is favorable for them to be communicative. To feel fully loved and completely empty at the same time. To be so in love yet so alone, with love, without your love.
To be unable to express your love because texting and skyping is JUST NOT REAL, it’s just not enough. It’s like saying you’re a vegetarian but you still eat chicken and fish. It’s like saying you quit smoking, but you still smoke on the weekends. It’s like saying you’re sexually active while actually you just masturbate. It’s like crying without tears, sleeping without dreams, screaming without sound, running without movement, seeing without shapes or colors, like breathing without air.
You are constantly and continuously shut out of your love’s life. You are always left aside, never involved, never get to participate, never get to share…their feelings, events, moments, memories. Everything is happening without you. The life of your love is being lived without you. They’re living without you, they’re doing fine without you. It’s like being broken up, and they’re moving on, but at the same time you’re also still in a relationship, somehow. You’re still supposed to hope for and believe in a future that doesn’t seem to exist or ever become real.
You are not a part of their life. Only in their phone, tablet, laptop. You live in their phone, tablet, laptop. The moment that technology fails, you’re cut off cold turkey and completely powerless.
At the same time, you’re own life, all your feelings, events, moments, memories…are equally unshareable. The loneliness of it all is unbearable.
I honestly don’t know anymore what’s worse to me, being in a relationship where your partner physically & emotionally abuses you, or being in a relationship where your partner isn’t even around, ever.
Having been in both, I can say sincerely, I cannot distinguish which scenario could be better. At least in the first case, everyone agrees with you that it’s unhealthy, undesirable and calls for some life-changing decisions to be made. As for the latter, people just think it’s romantic…long distance ‘ohh, what a love story, that one’s for the books!’. Ugh.
Nobody understands SHIT.
All living their average generic moderately content lives. People in relationships are the worst, you envy and secretly HATE everyone who gets to be with their love. Envy because you wish you could, hate because they take it all so for granted.
I WISH I could be average generic moderately content. Right now, that’s my highest ambition in terms of personal happiness. I don’t dare to ask for more, I don’t need to ask for more. I don’t want for more, than to just be with the one I love. Who loves me equally, if not more.
But the universe…
THE FUCKING ASSHOLE UNIVERSE!!!!
Has a reason for all this…sure.
You just tell yourself that.
Whatever makes you sleep at night.
Which you don’t, because you have chronic insomnia.
So whatever makes you sleep when you have the average generic moderately content LUCK to get some sleep. Take it. With both hands.
That also counts for your love. When it comes by, take it & make it work. Whether it’s here and now, or then and there.
As long as it’s worth it… and with tears in my eyes, scars on my soul and holes in my heart, I can still say:
True love is always worth it. ❤
Story of my life
There are people with a religion.
There are people with a culture.
There are people with a job.
There are people with a family.
And then there are people with a story.
I am a person with a story.
I have a story, not only to tell, but to carry with me as well.
I am not defined by the culture I grew up or live in, or the
religious beliefs that I hold.
I am not defined by the training I had, or the career I
might pursue.
I am not defined by the family that raised me or the people that I surround myself with.
I am defined by that story.
The story of my life.
A Letter to Purpose.
Hello Purpose, remember me ?
I first met you over a dozen years ago, an insignificant while before my childhood froze into wintertime. As that ice sculpture still remains, other seasons thoroughly overwhelmed and interrogated the rest of my belongings. In reflection to what I may have lost or gained during the lengthy depths of travels through these times and spaces, I could find no reason to resist a recollection, specificly of our distinct familiarity within the wide spectrum of all supposed acknowledgments.
I have no pretense to claim in presuming that you might be inclined with this same sensation, but I feel strongly dysphoric about the unforseen and somewhat reluctantly imposed seperation that fell upon our amity so unfortunately. Who is to blame, perhaps, if blame is entitled to posture in this particular affair, I will not be the one to judge.
Because our acquaintance was of fairly short duration, and therefore qualifying merely as vague and faintly unconscious, it received never a chance to be or become more deeply intensified. This to my most sincere regretfulness, as our former interactions held so much promise within their potentials. In spite of this endurance of unawareness on both ends, I know there is still a mutual understanding of how it used to be and possible a slightly more sufficient and respectful comprehension of how it could be, to begin with.
These apparant visions I gave focus on sharing with you, for us to plausibly reunite in any of the nearest by of futures, in absence of any sense of expectant coercion, are faithfully substantiated and hopefully witnessed within the care of this letter.
Hereby, I salute you, hence seeking eagerly forward to, if residing in good fortunes, an equally heartfelt response.
Forever Faithful & Patiently Awaiting,
a previous possessor of Purpose.
.This Time.
This time will be different. This time I’m going as a prisoner of a heart I nolonger own, but still claim to have. This time I go as a disbeliever of the love I never received, perhaps not deserved, but always felt.
This time I’m lost, drained and drowning.
This time I’m broken, empty and scarred.
This time I’m hurt and betrayed, abandoned and left to die.
Left without goodbye.
This time I’m not turning back, nor want I to be turned back for. This time I won’t care, nor want I to be cared for. This time it’s over. And all times to come, I will refuse, to go over it again.
Oblivion.
You’ve invaded my system and I don’t know who you are. You came out of nowhere and took all control effortlessly. I could never fight you because I never wanted to. Like venomous poison you infiltrated my veins and embodied my heart.
I need protection, I need to hide my inner core from you. Which is impossible for me if you don’t let me. So I’m trying to get away. It’s my only chance of saving myself. From you.
You’re too dangerous for me to be around. I’ll only lose more of myself with you. You’re too powerful in your prescense and entire being. I would dissolve into oblivion. I already am.
Truth Beyond Mystery 