Some things I have to admit…
I love that you are 27. Although there are so many people of that age, I love the exact fact and the only way you are 27, as I already love how you will be 28 in a few months.
You have your very own special way in every thing.. Breathing, thinking, moving, talking.. In all essence so pure and beautiful, so effortless and gracious.
I love how I met you, how our story developed. Like a blossom opening in shyness, but reflecting nature’s power in all its brightness.
The water from rain feeding its growth, the light from the sun securing its strength. That is how our love reflects the entire universe in us together.
I feel blessed in full awareness and am thankful in solid gratitude, for you and all you bring to my life.
Every piece of calmth and wisdom, strength and shelter, warmth and safety. Our complementing harmony ..supplementing in synergy ..self evident as synchronicity.
Above all, most importantly and sincere.. Care, Love, Trust ..braided together by communication without fear.
I adore your effect on me, I admire your entire being. You are what I envision paradise to be, the reality to all I’ve been dreaming.
So fascinating, how you captivate me. So gravitating, how you elevate me. Without any doubt, the surest thing to hold on to, the realest one to count on.
When all else fails, I know I will always have faith in us, and when all else falls apart, I know I will always have our love.
Bougainville.
Fulfilling My Faith
All the love I’ll ever have
Will always be in your possession
For yours to take and keep or leave
Awaiting your affection
To remove all of your worry
I consider my task and duty
Won’t ever allow for a frown
To rest on your face of an angel
Will try to never let you down
As much as I am able
Or am permitted by
The perks of human nature
All I can ever do is try
In the midst of all life’s danger
We can only pray and believe
Learn to trust and achieve
That we deserve what we receive
From loss to sorrow and grief
To love and comfort, relief
We all need someone
Along for carrying this weight
And I want you or no one
To join in fulfilling my faith
Taking me all the way
Up in the clouds
To where paradise is born
Beyond the rainbow rays
With no fear or doubts
Peaceful like the eye of a storm
Beauty like the light of one sun
Among a starless nightsky
I’ll hold your heart high
Treasure it with pride
Stay glued to your side
As long as you want me to
There will only be love flowing
Growing between me and you
I can be so sure without knowing
Because there’s no controlling what’s true
It will just go how it’s supposed to be going
And we can only follow through
With our hands tied to the sky
Our hearts bound together too
The vision of tomorrow in our eyes
Floathing on drops of morning dew
.another illusion.
tears heavy as steel
scratch sharply through my skin
it’s only pain I feel
by futile empty promising
leaving marks across my face
edging scars you won’t erase
everything you said so far
has no truth in it whatsoever
I begin to wonder who you even are
why did I choose you for my forever?
I don’t even know you
who did I give my heart to?
don’t have you at all
as you made it so clear
how dare you make me fall
for something I so much fear
and still you manage
blind for all caused damage
demand me to believe in fairytales
and I should expect it becomes real
I’m just waiting for when it all fails
of which I’m pretty sure it will
cause that always happens
and this is no different
in essence of all life lessons
what I feel is insignificant
to anyone who decides to care
who will then change their mind
before I’m even aware
of what I have lost to find
or can catch up with them there
but I’m already left behind
easy come, simpler gone
and you may claim to know
that you’re not aiming to go
but I’m already alone
you’ve never been with me
we never had the chance
and you’ll never love me like those words
I don’t know why I try actually
talking to dust has more sense
wish I could let you feel how this hurts
but I can’t get in
you’re so inaccessible
I don’t think I’ll ever win
love for me is just impossible
I know now for sure
that ignorance is bliss
cause I can feel it so pure
when I deny knowing all this
and pretend that we can
or even might we will
but in the back of my mind I am
always cautious for the kill
which comes sooner or later
whether you want it or not
you have no say in what fate does
you don’t even have what you think you got
all you are to me now
another illusion that I dreamed of
that I got fooled by somehow
tricked to think it could be love
.Love/Hate.
The most common mistake people tend to make, is assuming that the opposite of love is hate. That you either love or hate someone, while actually, both notions exist simultaneously, in the same space, at the same time.
When you don’t have love in your life, you don’t necessarily have hate instead. What you do have, when you don’t have love…is silence, solitude and fear.
Fear of being left out, fear of living or dying alone, fear of not being remembered or seen or heard. No one to talk to, nobody to rely on, no sheltering arms around you, no shoulder to cry on, no special person to share all that you value. Silence in your soul and emptiness in your heart.
From this silence, solitude and fear…this lack of love, we actually have a choice we can make. We choose..
either hate; including hurt, anger and sadness, following each other up like chackles in a chain, on a downward spiral of negativity, of hating everything and everyone, especially ourselves..
or love; opening doors to hope, faith and happiness, equally following each other up like steps to a stairs, up to whatever we aspire to reach or become, believing in the good of life and being receptive for all the positivity of luck..
Two seperate paths with many intersections..
Love or Hate. It’s upto you.
Synergy
I wish I knew how to synthesize my heart with my mind. Tie them up together like a double helix. Let them fill in for each other’s lacks, compensate each other’s flaws. Have them in a loving relationship flowing full with mutual respect and high level communication.
Create a great enough synergy, to never again have doubt or worry, fear or jealousy.
You can’t have everything you want, without risking everything you have. One option rules out the other, it’s either this or that, choices are made with every breath to take.
But how to know whether what’s worth the trouble. How to know it won’t all be in vain. How to recollect your losses. How to gain from what you already feel and know.
Too bad I’m not a puzzle, that fits together in the end.
Too bad life is not a challenge.
No chance of ever winning it, only losing it is certain.
Infinity∞
I often wake up in a dream, wishing to be thunder, scary but never destructive.. or carelessly falling like rain, in solid free will..
there were no hearts found in any of my lives, any of all parallel universes, any of every alternate reality..
at least in one of them I am more, or happy, or evil, or useful, or reasonless..
who cares if you don’t have what you want here and now ? or then, there and never..
an infinity of worlds provides infinite possibilities, not each but every of your desires filled in one of them.. in total, this life doesn’t matter..
an infinity of lives is being lived by a countless amount of me…
but if infinity is infinite, there will also be infinite impossibilities, an infinity of disappointment and hurt.. dishonesty, treason and failure.. all stretched into the endlessness of time and space
..would anyone want to live through that ?
I’d rather just have this life.. I will always be everything and nothing in the greater scheme of it all ..this is just one frame .∞.
A Letter to Purpose.
Hello Purpose, remember me ?
I first met you over a dozen years ago, an insignificant while before my childhood froze into wintertime. As that ice sculpture still remains, other seasons thoroughly overwhelmed and interrogated the rest of my belongings. In reflection to what I may have lost or gained during the lengthy depths of travels through these times and spaces, I could find no reason to resist a recollection, specificly of our distinct familiarity within the wide spectrum of all supposed acknowledgments.
I have no pretense to claim in presuming that you might be inclined with this same sensation, but I feel strongly dysphoric about the unforseen and somewhat reluctantly imposed seperation that fell upon our amity so unfortunately. Who is to blame, perhaps, if blame is entitled to posture in this particular affair, I will not be the one to judge.
Because our acquaintance was of fairly short duration, and therefore qualifying merely as vague and faintly unconscious, it received never a chance to be or become more deeply intensified. This to my most sincere regretfulness, as our former interactions held so much promise within their potentials. In spite of this endurance of unawareness on both ends, I know there is still a mutual understanding of how it used to be and possible a slightly more sufficient and respectful comprehension of how it could be, to begin with.
These apparant visions I gave focus on sharing with you, for us to plausibly reunite in any of the nearest by of futures, in absence of any sense of expectant coercion, are faithfully substantiated and hopefully witnessed within the care of this letter.
Hereby, I salute you, hence seeking eagerly forward to, if residing in good fortunes, an equally heartfelt response.
Forever Faithful & Patiently Awaiting,
a previous possessor of Purpose.
.Love Letter.
I wrote you a love letter
I’m not sure if you should read it
This love you give to me
Leaves me so defeated
More than I ever needed
Or thought I could ever be worth
With every thought you speak in words
Every gesture, every move of you
It hurts
That I can’t touch your skin
Feel your warmness
Don’t know where to begin
Don’t understand where this is coming from
Didn’t know if it’s even what I want
But I know I do
I know I love you
And everything you put me through
Everything you show so true
You make me feel belonged to
And get me to follow blindly too
There is so much more inside of this
I haven’t seen yet
Ever in my life
But I know it’s there
In your souls depth
Your eyes clearance
Your touch’s softness
Your all over tenderness
I know no signs of emptiness
In your presence
It all makes sense
And if anyone had told me before
Like anyone I’m telling now
It wouldn’t make sense at all
Beyond imagination
Out of this nature
But still so natural
In fact unbelievable
In the most literal way
You took my breathe away
From the first moment I saw your face
Upto our last second of embrace
And still every day
With every smile you place
On my heart and cheekbones
And every time I get reminded
Of this feeling formerly so unknown
I have to share my love with you
Won’t ever let you feel alone
Or let you down again I swear
As long as we both are there
In this place we share
For ourselves and each other
I’ll love you more than this earth holds water
I haven’t even talked about the honesty yet
The safety this precious
This pride that I treasure
When I look at you and realize
How you’re so much more than anything
How you put the me in mesmerize
And how you give me even more for nothing
Always loving
Always you care
Even when I refuse
And choose
To not be fair
You still prove
That you can be stronger
Without hurting me
And that I’m made to belong there
With you so perfectly
I aim for us to grow this into
All that it can become to be
Which is more than anyone who
Has ever loved before can see
I believe in this
Almost sacredly
Because you have me
My heart my soul
You stole
All so faithfully
Promised by God alone
You gave me what he has shown
My future to be like
You by my side
Me as your wife
I can’t believe how I can
Trust this feeling and be still so open
Even though my heart has been
So brutally mutulated
To the point where it would seem
There was no chance to relive
But only this love
That you so generously give
Has all that holds it together
Easing the pain
Not just making it better
But providing the health
So that I can grow again
New seeds will flourish then
And these flowers will be ours
I am devoted to these powers
This magic you sprinkled in my eyes
Covered me so overwhelming
Yet so easy to recognize
Cause only truth feels so good
And only purity can provide security
I adore you for this
This world you gave me access to
And you take me by the hand through all steps
Knowing I have never been there yet
Cause it’s scary and big and bright and new
But it’s all okay as long as I have you
The most impossible part of all
You need me as much back
You feel everything to the detail mutual
Even more so, illogical
It’s insane, but still plausible
And that’s enough reason for me to believe
That’s all I need to give and receiv
My love to the truest
Most beautiful, I dare say
Are you with me next to it
So that’s how we’ll eagerly stay
And if all else has gone lost
At whatever cost
Then at least we’ll still have us
We’ll always have our love as cause
Clarity
clear as water
shimmers of green
seconds of teardrops
shapes of sand unseen
paradise at fingertips
bliss of air around the lips
it feels like I belong here
I don’t ever want to go back
to where I came and fled from
where I have nothing to become
or maybe I just favor the escape
of any place would be okay
as long as it doesn’t cause to make
me fear the same faith
in what I don’t want to believe
need dearly
but too ignorant to receive
as it seems
clearly
I revolve in similar patterns
endlessly over and over
like the earth spins around its waist
all I could be goes to waste
in being too stubborn to make mistakes
so that it actually turns to be that case
I’m stuck in a fase
of not wanting to take
responsibility for what I break
and those thoughts I have lately
of what will await me
when I go back to where I started
reloaded but still abandoned
revived but broken hearted
is there ever any end to this ?
how did it ever come to this ?
at what point
..which second
..what moment
did it all turn around ?
turned against me
pointing down
is it inevitable ?
is this just a rough patch ?
should I just adjust ?
make the best of what becomes less
hold my breath and swim on
pretend I won’t drown
if I don’t hear the sound
of the waves filling my face
draining my body
to the bottoms of decay
covered with bottomless clay
senseless to pray
because God never may
know of this weakness
no one should in any way
all because of pride
or care for protection
so in contradictions we collide
with ourself aiming for perfection
and I still feel like I have
no soul, no heart, no purpose
embracing what is nothingness
could have made it hurt less
respecting the fallacies
of being my own worst enemy
might just get me closer to myself
to not fight but conspire
with my other half
the moon isn’t ever really full
without her darkside by her
against any reason or rule
Truth Beyond Mystery 