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I still blame you for putting us through this, I still blame you for letting me stand alone, while promising me that as long as I believe we will, we can. I still blame you for walking away and extending this torture, instead of expanding our future, for pretending there’s no other way. I blame you for making me feel like there’s truly no way out, to the point that I become as hopeless as I am love deprived in this loneliness of heartache far from your calm safety of resurrection and revival.
I honestly don’t care anymore, what is realistic or not, if this love is real it should be able to provide us with the power to overcome and persevere. Not only in separation, but in ways to end it also. Not only to get through this together, but to remain in togetherness also.
It might now even be all on you, I know it’s not, but in the powerlessness of this struggle, the urge to blame someone other than myself is maybe the only thing that can still keep me hopeful. As contradictory as that sounds, as it is.
Sometimes not having a choice is also a choice. I principally don’t believe in the concept of regret, because it’s useless by default. Regret is not the same as learning from mistakes and moving on for the better, regret is dwelling in past mistakes and not providing the means to change course. I do, however in all my contradictory ways, regret many of the choices we said we had no choice but to make. I still blame you, but now I blame myself too.
He kept showing my only each and all of the reasons why I broke up with him in the first place. Every time we’d interact, he’d whip out another classic example of his asshole self, his selfish behaviors, his grave lack of responsibility, his inability to care, try, reflect or understand, his stubborn stuck up spoiled blown up ego and pride that he continued to hide behind.
So I had to stop looking. I had to look away and stop feeding the person that I hated he’d become with my attention and frustration. I realized only now that this person he was becoming, thrived on my anxiety and my attempts to bring out the best of him gave him fuel to desperately keep holding on control over himself.
My obsessiveness, I shall admit, must’ve enabled him to retreat from willingness to arrogance.
Yet he truly was convinced he was evolving as a person. But growth and evolution are a one way direction. You can’t grow into a littler man. He was becoming less of himself by trying to be free, while he already was.
Still, his life so his choice, his prerogative. But I wasn’t willing to stand idly by and let that happen to the man I love. I tried my everything to make him see and realize what he was doing and what he was letting happen, but there is only so much one person can do for another until it crosses outside of your jurisdiction. It wasn’t up to me.
So I’m not looking anymore. I’m walking away. My hands clean. My conscience clear. My heart emptied of dead weight. My soul cleansed from all the hurt and sorrow. No more of his drama in my tomorrow.
Although I might’ve been the cause and reason of all of this. I arrived in his life, shook it up and down, put pressure and pushed him, had extensive needs and expectations. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. Whether I did this, or he. I don’t want it anymore. It’s holding me back from being myself, from my own journey, my growth, my evolution, my becoming of my self.
I will have to learn to fabricate a future for myself that doesn’t include him. Give up all my plans and dreams. Start all over, again.
Point the direction of my hope on myself again. Put my thoughts and feelings on a path surrounding myself. Pray for my own happy ending. By myself. Alone, as I’ve always been. With whomever I was.
You Revive Me.
You revive me…
♥ Like a breath of fresh oxygen on a dusty pile of smoldering ashes
♥ Like breaking through the surface of the water after the dive turned out too deep
♥ Like finally waking from a recycling dream of thinking you got up and started your day but each time you were still sleeping
♥ Like cleansing my skin after a long day surrounded by a dirty world with scentful soap and warm water
♥ Like that first bite of something delicious to still a hunger from too many hours of working too hard
♥ Like a hug that connects every particle of the universe together in an infinite alignment of our past, present & future selfs, showing us we’re ours 💕
Emphasize what’s meaningless
Regret everything that’s not
Amplify all reason less
There is more that we don’t got
Deny every form of structure
Embrace chaos with all due devotion
Cherish what comes in the future
Time has only one direction for motion
Forgive the ignorant
For they don’t know why you should
Release all sensation
Perception is more idealistic than good
Promise what you forgot
Someone might come back for it
Respond to lust with pride,
to love with innocence
Have faith and believe
Trust hatred to leave
Such as every other emotion
No one controls any of them
We lock them away to be safe
Like an enraged lion in a cage
It has no use to us
To doubt everything we lose
Our voices don’t echo when they scream
Our breath never lasts longer than a minute
To await signals like a prophecy
Is like expecting the moon to come closer
It’s only fading further
Pulling loose for freedom
Love is overrated..
Love is overrated
It does not solve everything
It destroys more than its made of
Like breaking after entering
Burn the building to the ground
Swallow the ashes and choke on it
Learn to let go what doesn’t count
Forget the sacrifices you both offered
Memories, both good and bad
Mean less than nothing
And should be forgotten
No loss of pride in feeling sad
Our cries hide behind raindrops
And tears will dry by sunshine
Breathe on until the pain stops
And keep your heart close to your mind
Leave the past for the history books
Grow towards a future that you decide today
Don’t worry about the time and difficulty it took
Focus on your own power and walk away
Because love may come
But don’t let it change you
It should’nt control your person
Or what you go and went through
And then love may go
But remember to know
That everything happens
Exactly as it has to
There are no reasons or patterns
So start every day as new
And remind yourself to remember
That coincidence doesn’t exist
There is no more to it
Than what it really is
Don’t fear for jealousy or hatred
The worst things are often also the greatest
Don’t try to make unworthy feelings sacred
Cause truth is, love is overrated ; )
Today was a good day.
The odds were off, everything was working against what we know best. Every fear was found unfounded, the air was filled with the most precious unpredictability.
I saw somebody walking on the street, with the exact same t-shirt, as the one you used to wear, and was my favorite.
I spend all day with a gorgeous sweet guy, who wore the exact same shoes you bought as a gift for your own birthday last month.
Seemingly irrelevant notions, but to me it raised caution..
What do these signs tell me ?
This I know..
That I can safely let you go
That it’s okay for me to move on
That my dreams are now in reach
That I only have to get up and grab them
With both hands
Pull myself up
With all my strength
Cut off the dead weight
Of your corpse drowning in my memories
My thought of the day:
Don’t try to erase your past.
Instead replace it with your future.