In the pursuit of my dreams and growth, all I remember hearing was how people were sad about where I’m going and will miss the way things were with me.
Not everyone is willing or able to join my journey. Nobody but me has to be.
Just don’t be surprised that I won’t feel sad for where I’m going, because it will bring me further and forward. Also, the way things are with me will never be the same.
I will always strive for better.
growth
Love, kindness and maybe art
I will sleep when I need to
Leave me alone
With your structure and standards
With your routines and rules
System this, regulation that
I will live as my
Body, mind and spirit
Feel adequate so
I live to heal and grow
Feed my soul
Nothing of this world constructed
By mankind other than kindness
Love and maybe art
Are in which I’d want to take part
Or enclose in my heart
Leave me out of your
Over socialized society
With only lonely people
Attached to detachment
Plus vice versa
Pretending, lying, masks on, dying
Always crying
Never showing
Always trying
Never knowing
The only life I’m in
Is of learning and growing
Not surviving ongoing
For flying and soaring
Leave me out of your life
Of grids and boxes
Of lines
I want shapes and colors
Unnaturally
Inexplicable
And unpredictable
Keep the organized
The crime and cruelty
The steps and plans and forms
The maps, the can’ts and won’ts
I will not ever participate to conform
Bury me wherever you need to
My being will burn either way
My scars will guide
Towards a brighter day
For anyone who agrees
I dedicated my release
Freedom is all I’ll ever be
A life of how I am free
All I’ll ever have
Want and need nothing else from me
Lost.
I’m missing parts of my life that I haven’t lost yet, but that slowly disappeared from my daily encounters, seeping silently, dimming to diminishment.
I still to this day don’t understand how or why, the people I felt closest to, came and went by in the fraction of a blinked eye. I don’t hold grudges or resentment, but I do hold questions that will remain forever unanswered. And as I try to let them go, I wonder why it still matters to me while it seemingly never mattered that much to them.
The saddest thing about this is that when I do still talk to these people, it seems they also don’t know why or when or how it went lost. The only difference is that they just moved on without considering the options, without caring to even try. I feel I tried my best and gave my all, considering every possible scenario to be the least judgmental and the most understanding. I feel I valued these people dearly and never wanted for us to stray, not like this.
Why it happened, doesn’t matter anymore. How it happened, does still hurt.
I just still wonder, was it necessary to happen at all? As if growth and evolution can’t happen with people that you love surrounding you. As if I was holding any of these people back.
It hurts me to think that they might have thought of me that way.
I will never know because I will never ask. Partially, because I’m afraid of the answers, partially because I know they don’t have the answers.
Maybe I should just ask, I already lost them either way, what more do I have to lose now? But maybe the definitive aspect of receiving answers, is the closure I try to avoid, because I hope not all is lost just yet.
Stop looking.
He kept showing my only each and all of the reasons why I broke up with him in the first place. Every time we’d interact, he’d whip out another classic example of his asshole self, his selfish behaviors, his grave lack of responsibility, his inability to care, try, reflect or understand, his stubborn stuck up spoiled blown up ego and pride that he continued to hide behind.
So I had to stop looking. I had to look away and stop feeding the person that I hated he’d become with my attention and frustration. I realized only now that this person he was becoming, thrived on my anxiety and my attempts to bring out the best of him gave him fuel to desperately keep holding on control over himself.
My obsessiveness, I shall admit, must’ve enabled him to retreat from willingness to arrogance.
Yet he truly was convinced he was evolving as a person. But growth and evolution are a one way direction. You can’t grow into a littler man. He was becoming less of himself by trying to be free, while he already was.
Still, his life so his choice, his prerogative. But I wasn’t willing to stand idly by and let that happen to the man I love. I tried my everything to make him see and realize what he was doing and what he was letting happen, but there is only so much one person can do for another until it crosses outside of your jurisdiction. It wasn’t up to me.
So I’m not looking anymore. I’m walking away. My hands clean. My conscience clear. My heart emptied of dead weight. My soul cleansed from all the hurt and sorrow. No more of his drama in my tomorrow.
Although I might’ve been the cause and reason of all of this. I arrived in his life, shook it up and down, put pressure and pushed him, had extensive needs and expectations. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. Whether I did this, or he. I don’t want it anymore. It’s holding me back from being myself, from my own journey, my growth, my evolution, my becoming of my self.
I will have to learn to fabricate a future for myself that doesn’t include him. Give up all my plans and dreams. Start all over, again.
Point the direction of my hope on myself again. Put my thoughts and feelings on a path surrounding myself. Pray for my own happy ending. By myself. Alone, as I’ve always been. With whomever I was.
27
Some things I have to admit…
I love that you are 27. Although there are so many people of that age, I love the exact fact and the only way you are 27, as I already love how you will be 28 in a few months.
You have your very own special way in every thing.. Breathing, thinking, moving, talking.. In all essence so pure and beautiful, so effortless and gracious.
I love how I met you, how our story developed. Like a blossom opening in shyness, but reflecting nature’s power in all its brightness.
The water from rain feeding its growth, the light from the sun securing its strength. That is how our love reflects the entire universe in us together.
I feel blessed in full awareness and am thankful in solid gratitude, for you and all you bring to my life.
Every piece of calmth and wisdom, strength and shelter, warmth and safety. Our complementing harmony ..supplementing in synergy ..self evident as synchronicity.
Above all, most importantly and sincere.. Care, Love, Trust ..braided together by communication without fear.
I adore your effect on me, I admire your entire being. You are what I envision paradise to be, the reality to all I’ve been dreaming.
So fascinating, how you captivate me. So gravitating, how you elevate me. Without any doubt, the surest thing to hold on to, the realest one to count on.
When all else fails, I know I will always have faith in us, and when all else falls apart, I know I will always have our love.
Motion.
We are all, always, looking for things that don’t exist.
Truth, reality, love..
Idealistic illusions are those concepts in my view.
They are idealistic because we strive for them, driven solely by hope and faith for some better way of living and deeper insight in life itself.
They are illusions in the sense that they don’t actually appear in life. Abstract as they are, they can only be formed in the mind.
Being mere concepts therefore.
There is no reasonable ground to presume that any such thing as truth, reality or love actually exist.
The ideas we have about them, are nothing but a balanced calculation between hopes and desires on one side, fear and uncertainty on the other.
As well like views on luck and happiness, these formless unstructured notions of how the world might be and how life may or may not be organized, are simply gradual layers related to one another in a mental conceptual landscape that fits the imagination as well as it can operate in practise.
These visions of things and how things are in opposition to how they appear, are necessary for us to survive.
In a whole new scale of levelling, survival of the most well-adapted is still only a filter to create and stimulate motion.
Motion holds abruptly if there is no space to move into. Growth, development, evolution, however it gets downgraded to normative terms: All is in motion, constantly.
And in the same moment, there is also only ever here and now. This contradiction alone, is to me sufficient enough to believe there is no such thing as reasonable ground to any thing.
No matter how advanced our science or techniques may become, we as humans will always contradict ourselves in our finding, because we eternally continue seeking for more, deeper, further.
But in the end, there is no ultimate substance, no earliest beginning, no inevitable ending. The deepest, highest, most final answer or solution or explanation is the illusion so idealistic to us, that it keeps us looking, that keeps stimulating us to move forward, thus keep evolving. Therefore it is manditory for us to survive, to always continue looking for sense to be made in this world and life.
There is only motion… Even time and space only exist relatively to one another. Only now or never, only here and nothing, are sure entities. The rest will remain a mystery, but lucid enough to keep us moving towards it.
Legacy.
you get yourself into this world
knowing no one will ever be trusted
looking for ways to avoid pain
but unintentionally finding it all over the place
hoping someone will once come to save you
realising that can never happen
because your true savior is within
..right?
of course, but what about the thrill
in living alone there is no pleasure
the connection to others is what challenges
the troubles in growth are what lure
and move us towards a larger space
wherein we can flourish away
to then end up not recognizing ourselves
..right?
what are these circles we run in wildly?
sometimes I wonder what is it all worth?
as if we ever gonna be satisfied
not until life’s over and then many might
reply with: that’s what life is about
learning and growing each step of the way
to then throw it all away
in leaving earth and become forgotten
..right?
I want to leave a legacy
I need to be remembered
I have to get heard and seen and known
if not, I can’t stop living
..ever?
but if so, I won’t have to stop living… ever.
Forward.
i’m rising to the sky
blending with the blue
levitating up high
not ever thinking of you
cause you don’t exist
in the way i thought you would
no more temptation to resist
no longer caring for the good
just try to hold my own
any and only way i know how
is by dealing with it alone
there’s no space for you now
i’m letting go all anger and hate
and everything that used to hurt
for turning back time it’s too late
and above all it’s not even worth
the trouble and the endless energy
got other things to focus on
things that stimulate and benefit me
get me forward to what i want
seeking and striving for growth
cut loose all strings that hold me back
better and easier for us both
nothing will throw me again off track
Poem of Inspiration
Today I would like to share with you a poem I wrote last night. It represents my current attitude, my mental state is elevated.
Inspired by someone I know, I’ve put it to words:
“You make me want to achieve something
You make me want to work & fight & strive
You make me believe in the power of wanting
You inspire me to make something of my life
And all just by looking at you
And all you’ve done and all you do
It doesn’t make me jealous
It doesn’t make me feel I am less
It just makes me want to be more
Try harder, have a goal to go for
Grow farther
Towards where no one has been before
And beyond
Do what I really want
And what I’m good at
Be smart, keep my mind set
Never regret, and never forget
Pride is something I always had
Now it’s time to put it to good use
If I don’t try to win
I will definetly lose
And that’s something
I simply refuse
So I’m going all in
To follow what I choose
Thanks for the inspiration
Heartfelt without hesitation
One day you’ll catch my appreciation
I promise this, without exaggeration”
I hope you liked it.. In my next post I’ll try to explain why and how I came to name my blog ‘Truth Beyond Mystery’ (:
My thought of the day:
Everything implies access to possibilities.
Possibilities imply access to everything.
Truth Beyond Mystery 