I’ll just sit here
Razor in hand
Broken from the plastic
The sharp line asking me
When will we rip open
My skin again

I’ll just sit here
Razor in place
Smoking my sense away
Because I anticipate regret
But can find no peace
Or protection

I’ll just sit here
Until either I
Or this razor
Will win


Some Day

Some day you’ll say
You were never in love with me
That I was just a lesson
A justified mistake
Because I seemed better
At first than what I turned out to be

Some day you’ll be
Happy that this regret didn’t continue
That you are released
A relief it must be
Now that it’s over
At last nothing is any longer bothering you

Some day perhaps
Though, you will come to see
What you have done also
How I was affected
By your demeanor and rejection
At least feeling worthless wasn’t new to me

Save up

I still blame you for putting us through this, I still blame you for letting me stand alone, while promising me that as long as I believe we will, we can. I still blame you for walking away and extending this torture, instead of expanding our future, for pretending there’s no other way. I blame you for making me feel like there’s truly no way out, to the point that I become as hopeless as I am love deprived in this loneliness of heartache far from your calm safety of resurrection and revival.

I honestly don’t care anymore, what is realistic or not, if this love is real it should be able to provide us with the power to overcome and persevere. Not only in separation, but in ways to end it also. Not only to get through this together, but to remain in togetherness also.
It might now even be all on you, I know it’s not, but in the powerlessness of this struggle, the urge to blame someone other than myself is maybe the only thing that can still keep me hopeful. As contradictory as that sounds, as it is.

Sometimes not having a choice is also a choice. I principally don’t believe in the concept of regret, because it’s useless by default. Regret is not the same as learning from mistakes and moving on for the better, regret is dwelling in past mistakes and not providing the means to change course. I do, however in all my contradictory ways, regret many of the choices we said we had no choice but to make. I still blame you, but now I blame myself too.

Trainwrecks of Thoughts

take my breath away
cause it hurts and aches
and I don’t care for it anymore
I want to be more than before

you should keep your distance
cause in an instant
I can turn violent on you
even though I don’t want to

and I don’t deal with regret
it’s a selfish & senseless act
and I hate a powerless feeling
cause it’s doesn’t provide healing

I just want my lungs gone
with my heart I’m also done
I have no need for it
will live solely by courage

and fed by frustration
a severe separation
of the morbid mind
where there is no flaw to find

I long so long for peace
but am bound by this disease
these trainwrecks of thoughts
restraining from what I ought

still my movements are empty
and your hatred only tempts me
to stack up strength
and reach for revenge

fear for what will follow
the words you read are hollow
but the sensation it gives you
is worse than you can live through