This is not about you
But you won’t understand
Or consider even
What I might be feeling
This is about battles I fight
Have lost a million times
Have the proof in the lines
On my wrist up to my elbow
This is not about you
Or anyone else
Because I can’t call for help
Because I don’t want to
Scare or worry anyone
This is not about them
I don’t want to hurt anyone
But I need to not want
To hurt myself as well
I can’t remove that feeling
If this is not about me
Then who am I doing this for
Staying strong
Not giving in
The urge to cut my skin
If this is about life
I don’t want any of it
Never did
Never will
Nothing good for me to come
Nothing good to remember
If this is about love
Then why is it not about me
Why can’t I love myself enough
To protect myself from this
Hurt inflicted by myself
This is not about anything
I want to feel nothing
But the hurt I feel inside
Is worse than any wound
I’ve ever caused
This is not about me
Or you
Or them
This is about depression
A disease I will never defeat
Every battle I win or lose
Is just postponing
The next to come
It will always merely be a wait
Until my heart will not longer beat
Until the final breath I take
scars
Love, kindness and maybe art
I will sleep when I need to
Leave me alone
With your structure and standards
With your routines and rules
System this, regulation that
I will live as my
Body, mind and spirit
Feel adequate so
I live to heal and grow
Feed my soul
Nothing of this world constructed
By mankind other than kindness
Love and maybe art
Are in which I’d want to take part
Or enclose in my heart
Leave me out of your
Over socialized society
With only lonely people
Attached to detachment
Plus vice versa
Pretending, lying, masks on, dying
Always crying
Never showing
Always trying
Never knowing
The only life I’m in
Is of learning and growing
Not surviving ongoing
For flying and soaring
Leave me out of your life
Of grids and boxes
Of lines
I want shapes and colors
Unnaturally
Inexplicable
And unpredictable
Keep the organized
The crime and cruelty
The steps and plans and forms
The maps, the can’ts and won’ts
I will not ever participate to conform
Bury me wherever you need to
My being will burn either way
My scars will guide
Towards a brighter day
For anyone who agrees
I dedicated my release
Freedom is all I’ll ever be
A life of how I am free
All I’ll ever have
Want and need nothing else from me
Indifference
I sleep in the shadow of my tears
Painted by the moon on my eyelids
Carved by the rising sun on my cheeks
Dried and hardened to stone threads
Of solemn sorrow and sadness
Grown attached to my skin like scars
Like the ripened wounds on my wrist
From over the years
You were once not like this
I was once stronger
Your kindness withered like my trust
My faith decayed by your indifference
I am damage
“Your heart will always stay
crippled, wounded, not scarred
Because scars are memories
of wounds that healed
I am damage that will never heal.”
– Truth Beyond Mystery
The Edge
Every other day is like a journey
To the end of the world for me
Standing there, on the edge of darkness
I wonder if it’s worth the fight
The constant struggle to exist
Never will my days begin or end bright and shiny
Sunshine is nothing but a covering shadow
Which haunts me, taunting me
With interrogation on my incompetence
It shows the weak side of me
Forces me to protect my illness with a mask
Because without the scars, I am no one
And only in the lightlessness I grow
That’s why I flee this world of chaos
In any chance I get
I am not dead, or alive either
An unliving undead is my defining essence
The edge is where I prefer to reside
.Diamond in the Rough.
full moon is on the rise
but the vessel it’s to fill
has run empty
nothing remains or
is left to reach out for
all the things I dreamt to be
every aching part of me
is dripping down a drain
pulsing from a vein
lost in a bottomless hole
who knows where it leads to
or where it goes
once it escapes the bubble of light
the blackness of a hurting heart
left in solitude to overanalyse
it only just might
live and stand high
or die and fall apart
by the touch of who once owned it
then turned away and stoned it
wounds might heal
time may resolve
but scars don’t disappear
moments like these take their toll
like a glass shattered on the floor
glue it back together
and all you’ll see is cracks
crumble up a paper
can you ever again get it flat
without the lines showing through?
luckily I’m a diamond
if only in the rough
my sharp edges define me
to protect me against what’s tough
you couldn’t break or nevermind me
but you can lock me up
although a golden cage will never outshine me
sometimes it’s better to have enough
than to lose to love
.another illusion.
tears heavy as steel
scratch sharply through my skin
it’s only pain I feel
by futile empty promising
leaving marks across my face
edging scars you won’t erase
everything you said so far
has no truth in it whatsoever
I begin to wonder who you even are
why did I choose you for my forever?
I don’t even know you
who did I give my heart to?
don’t have you at all
as you made it so clear
how dare you make me fall
for something I so much fear
and still you manage
blind for all caused damage
demand me to believe in fairytales
and I should expect it becomes real
I’m just waiting for when it all fails
of which I’m pretty sure it will
cause that always happens
and this is no different
in essence of all life lessons
what I feel is insignificant
to anyone who decides to care
who will then change their mind
before I’m even aware
of what I have lost to find
or can catch up with them there
but I’m already left behind
easy come, simpler gone
and you may claim to know
that you’re not aiming to go
but I’m already alone
you’ve never been with me
we never had the chance
and you’ll never love me like those words
I don’t know why I try actually
talking to dust has more sense
wish I could let you feel how this hurts
but I can’t get in
you’re so inaccessible
I don’t think I’ll ever win
love for me is just impossible
I know now for sure
that ignorance is bliss
cause I can feel it so pure
when I deny knowing all this
and pretend that we can
or even might we will
but in the back of my mind I am
always cautious for the kill
which comes sooner or later
whether you want it or not
you have no say in what fate does
you don’t even have what you think you got
all you are to me now
another illusion that I dreamed of
that I got fooled by somehow
tricked to think it could be love
Epic Moments
Epic moments
Ancient memories
They have a way of coming
Always back to me
When I watch the shades
In a dark night outside
Or when I watch the sun fade
Into the water so bright
Then I realise how my heart
Is filled with so much
Love and care, but torn apart
By edges of broken trust
Whatever may heal
Leaves scars
Things I will always feel
Nomatter how far
Or long ago they might have been
My eyes can’t keep up
With all the ugliness I’ve seen
And been through non stop
They say life is tough
And nomatter how you try
It seems never enough
Nonetheless I’ll get by
And breathe through another day
Find another chance
Create my own space and way
To then again
Fall and fail
But never to quit
Until my last exhale
Until my fire is unlit
I will keep making memories
To learn from and leave behind
I will remember every piece
Every treasure that I find
Salt
It burns in my chest
I don’t know how to cry anymore
Or how to feel what I felt last
I’ve lost love before
But I never feared I’d miss violence
Cause that’s what you imply
You have a side so evil
And I’m not exactly in my right mind
Together we’re more than lethal
But it’s the only real thing
That I’ve ever known
I can’t express in words
How this hurt feels
How I hate that I could not defend
Myself again
Against your angry hands
Not because I don’t love myself
But because you are stronger always
I wish I could have done something
To not let my weakness win
But fighting you is a sign
Of being suicidal
And I want to live now more than ever
Because you took my freedom
And my safety and my trust and all I had
You tore it apart
Because in your thoughts
I don’t deserve to have anything
On purpose you cursed me
With what you call love and so on
You wouldn’t leave or let me run
Forcing me to swallow your hatred
And take from me what’s sacred
My innocense and pride
Glad to say I’m still alive
You couldn’t take from me
What you want and miss now so bad
>My love, my heart you’ll never have
And I will haunt you with that
My presence will be the salt in your wounds
That you carved in your own skin
And will never grow to scars
Cause I’ll be sure to keep them open
Truth Beyond Mystery 