My neighbors might think I run a bdsm dungeon, because at times I scream and cry so loud that it sounds like I’m being tortured.
Which, essentially, I am.
I have episodes of depression and anxiety attacks that are so severe. When every fiber in my body is conspiring together to hurt myself.
In the pure desperation to overpower myself, I have no sense of control.
By any means necessary, I have to protect and save myself.
From myself, by myself.. that struggle not many will understand.
I can’t rationalize myself out of it, there is no logic or reason.
There’s only survival.
Calming myself down could actually turn out to be more dangerous.
Every episode asks for its own individual approach. One time, a cigarette might suffice. The next day a walk could ease my nerves. Another moment I will collapse in the weakness of my flesh and dissolve in the saltiness of my tears.
There is no way to prepare or prevent these attacks from happening or coming at me.
There’s no way to know in advance how to deal with that particular anxiety that’s going to infect me next.
Once I’m in it, I’ll fight with all I have to reach through and make it out alive and unharmed.
By any means necessary, I won’t apologize for how. Survival is selfish.
selfish
Broken Core
Filled with flames of anger
Agressively aggitated and furious
A heart so hurt it lost purpose
A soul so scarred and tangled
It’s now unrecognisable
Though aware the disguise would once fall
We kept on pretending to try
You continuously neglecting my cries
I constantly defending your lies
But what does one do when..
Your worst enemy is the one you are
What is there to know when..
Your own mind speaks nothing but hatred
Where can one go when..
Your own hands tore up the road that you follow
Where is one to hide when..
Your own feet crushed the roof above you
When you have no one…
to trust or believe in?
When even your own self…
is out to take you down?
How do you manage?
To what can one hold on?
I was taught to trust in love
But sadly enough
Just the wrong sort of
The love I clung to
Was a selfish prideful shimmer
Merely an image
Of what I wanted so badly to have
No reality, no truth at all
Just the wish telling the tale
A broken core to follow the fall
But something’s leaking from the cracks
Flowing fastly, building up in stacks
It’s a sweet fluid
Soft and thick and dark
It has a taste of home in it
Like hitting something sharp
It tells me where to go now
It tells me not to stop
Leave behind all the baggage I’ve been carrying
And get ahead with what I’ve got
Even if it’s not much
Nothing more than my body, mind and soul
Had to leave my heart behind
It was too heavy and my bag was full
Trainwrecks of Thoughts
take my breath away
cause it hurts and aches
and I don’t care for it anymore
I want to be more than before
you should keep your distance
cause in an instant
I can turn violent on you
even though I don’t want to
and I don’t deal with regret
it’s a selfish & senseless act
and I hate a powerless feeling
cause it’s doesn’t provide healing
I just want my lungs gone
with my heart I’m also done
I have no need for it
will live solely by courage
and fed by frustration
a severe separation
of the morbid mind
where there is no flaw to find
I long so long for peace
but am bound by this disease
these trainwrecks of thoughts
restraining from what I ought
still my movements are empty
and your hatred only tempts me
to stack up strength
and reach for revenge
fear for what will follow
the words you read are hollow
but the sensation it gives you
is worse than you can live through
Truth Beyond Mystery 