You’ve invaded my system and I don’t know who you are. You came out of nowhere and took all control effortlessly. I could never fight you because I never wanted to. Like venomous poison you infiltrated my veins and embodied my heart.
I need protection, I need to hide my inner core from you. Which is impossible for me if you don’t let me. So I’m trying to get away. It’s my only chance of saving myself. From you.
You’re too dangerous for me to be around. I’ll only lose more of myself with you. You’re too powerful in your prescense and entire being. I would dissolve into oblivion. I already am.
prose
The Moon
The moon is swimming along with the stars in a deep blue sea of sky. The moon smiles at me in a transcendant glow, knowing I see him through my window. The moon is proud to be the brightest to shine.
I can’t help but notice him, he challenges me, to come out and play with him. He knows I can’t swim with him, in the sea so high up there, still he keeps calling.
The moon is playing with the waves of air, dancing around him, splashing in his face..
The moon swims back to the surface, each time a wave clouds him, showing me time and time again that he’s still there for me..
The moon doesn’t see the clouds thickening, he doesn’t see the danger approaching..
They spread quickly, flooding over him, like a soft but fatal blanket. He doesn’t stand a chance. Wave after wave the clouds get to him, pushing him further away.
Once in a while I see his face, popping up at the surface, trying to regain strength. I believe that when he sees me, he will know what to fight for and not give up easily.
Then the clouds get heavier, I don’t even see his shine anymore. I feel so helpless, pray that he will survive.
Then, after a few minutes staring at the dark blue softness of the sea of clouds, seemingly innocent but cold and destructive as a thunderstorm, I see a slight shimmer in between the waves.
There is a radiant circular glow growing from beyond the surface. He has come back to show me, nothing can take his shine away.
The moon rises from within the darkest cloud, pushes it away, to show me the brightest smile on his face.
One with pride and confidence, fierce to proof once again how strong beauty in essence can truly be.
Hurt.
You rather hurt me, for loving you..
Than hurt yourself, by loving me..
I understand that though, but it still hurts..
Because you think that I will hurt you, if you let me come closer..
But now you hurt me, by shutting me out so cold..
Wish there was a way, so that neither of us would get hurt..
Please tell me there is…
Y.
Then you meet someone, and you click immediately in a most absurd uncomfortable way, that you should actually be thinking ‘No way!?’ but you think ‘Yess, just that!’
and then you clatter constantly into one another, like marbles in a jar, until suddenly the lid rolls off and both slip away.
Spinning around, looking, seeking each other. But you will never see each other again, that’s as certain as certainty itself. So much coincidence does not exist.
Why did we speak of such trivial things, and forgot in the fun of our flirtation to exchange our data completely? Why does contact with some people come so easily as naturally and why do some people remain hanging in your mind, even though you haven’t known them more than 10 minutes? Why do I only know your name, age and residency?
Ohh and the smile you sketched on my heart, as to rehearse a tattoo of happiness.. That will never become, because I shall never see you again. But the memory alone, lightens my day 🙂
No Name
All I hear are my own footsteps, as I’m walking alone, thinking to find him in these empty streets. He doesn’t have a name, he doesn’t need one. Any name would only compromise his clarity, undo his figure.
I’ve only seen him a few times now. First I thought he was just a figment of my imaginative dreams. I found out he was real, when I saw him doing something which dreams are unable to do: appearing in my wake reality.
From then on I was amazed by this appearance, knowing it to feed my desire to connect with him on some level of resemblance. I used to watch him from a far, and cling to those brief moments, to then later on imagine what kind of person he could be, what kind of thoughts we might share, what kind of things he does in life, what kind of purpose he has been chasing.
One day I saw him in those empty streets, and for a short single second, I could swear, he glanced back at me ..for a moment.
For an instant we locked and connected and a rush of crushing waves flew through my body. Or at least, that’s what it felt like.
Locked away in a prison of my own makings, bars built of cognition, walls of emotional intellect. That is how I remain after I’ve been with or around him. It feels as though he tries to reach out to me, in attempt to gain access, seeking my response. Whenever he moves, it seems towards me. Whenever he speaks, it might be for my ears to hear. His eyes made to register my presence, every movement, any visible appearance. His hands designed to hold me in an embrace of sustaining grace.
Knowing whether it should be like that, I never will.
But faith does certain things to people. Faith which descended from my observation, the plausible interaction, our relation. Though not to be mistaken with ‘relationship’. Any bound or connection, even that which exist only from frequency or contiguity, can be called or referred to as a relation. Only thing necessary to construct a relation is at least one common factor, one feature that is alike.
As cause and consequence follow each other up like shackles of the same chain, so do we repeatedly approximate one another by time or distance. Like leafs in a twirl of spinning wind, we keep each other in eternal rotation. An endless game to play.
Geef mij maar lust..
Geef mij maar lust. Heerlijke nietsontziende, grijpbare, alles-consumerende lust. Gebruik makende van de energie van de liefde, voort bouwende op de energie van de passie. De perfecte combinatie van elementen met als enig doel en oogpunt een volmaakte en complete vervulling van onze meest roerende begeertes en vurigste verlangens.
Lust, zij overheerst en overleeft de liefde, op menig vlak. Wordt nimmer geleid door emoties als angst, verdriet of wanhoop, maar slechts door de voortdurende zoektocht, de voortstuwende ambitie naar geluk, plezier, vreugde en genot.
Lust is de enige echte doeloorzaak voor pure optimisten. De weg naar een beter, prettiger en tevredener leven is nimmer de liefde, welke slechts gevolgd wordt door een spoor van tranen, en vervolgens verdrinkt in de zeeën die daarmee ontstaan, maar liever de lust in al haar glorie. Dus, zodoende en als zodanig, geef mij maar lust.
A modest translation:
I prefer lust. Deliciously ruthless, tangible, all-consuming lust. Making use of the energy of love, building on the energy of passion. The perfect combination of elements with as only purpose and view a flawless and complete fulfillment of our most moving avidity and fiery desires.
Lust, she dominates and survives love, on many levels. Will never be guided by emotions like fear, sorrow or dispair, but solely by the enduring journey, the propellent ambition for happiness, pleasure, joy and bliss.
Lust is the only teleologic cause for pure optimists. The road towards a better, nicer and satisfied life is never love, which is always followed by a trail of tears, and then drowns in seas that are formed thereby, but rather lust in all her glory. So, therefore and as such, I prefer lust.
Shadow
Why are you in my heart?
Get out..
You have no right being there!
It’s not where you belong at all
I don’t even know who you are
You’re like a faint and distant memory
A vague shadow swimming through my blood
The scent of something I already forgot
And you won’t let me in either
Because if I can’t get you out
I want to know your story
But you refuse to respond
Everytime I see your face
You remind me of this feeling
So remote and irrelevant
Still so apparant and appealing
I want to know you
Or I want you gone
Looking for signals
That are missing
I need to run from this
Knowing either way you’ll follow
And since I can’t hide in your chest
I don’t want to know where I’m going
Someday I hope you’ll release me
And show me who you really are
Cause being in love with a total stranger
Is the scariest thing ever so far
Today was a good day.
The odds were off, everything was working against what we know best. Every fear was found unfounded, the air was filled with the most precious unpredictability.
I saw somebody walking on the street, with the exact same t-shirt, as the one you used to wear, and was my favorite.
I spend all day with a gorgeous sweet guy, who wore the exact same shoes you bought as a gift for your own birthday last month.
Seemingly irrelevant notions, but to me it raised caution..
What do these signs tell me ?
This I know..
That I can safely let you go
That it’s okay for me to move on
That my dreams are now in reach
That I only have to get up and grab them
With both hands
Pull myself up
With all my strength
Cut off the dead weight
Of your corpse drowning in my memories
My thought of the day:
Don’t try to erase your past.
Instead replace it with your future.
Truth Beyond Mystery 